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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

pervy bil & dc, how to stop him staring, wwyd?

123 replies

strongandenduringfriendships · 17/07/2024 10:28

Live next-door to in-laws, they aren't married but have been together a number of years. Don't have a good relationship with them which is exacerbated by behaviours from him that I don't like, racist remarks, binge drinking, anger management issues &bullying, living in a tip, so I keep completely out of the way & avoid wherever possible. However dd age 18 is very pretty & now he is staring at her obviously, (it may be to intimidate, I don't know as he is such an unpleasant character). Want to keep the peace however I really don't want dd to feel uncomfortable at her own home. Issues in the past have never been resolved well, sil has previously said 'just don't wind him up' .... Any advice?

OP posts:
Brefugee · 17/07/2024 10:30

You need to tell him to stop, as does she.
You need to balance your apparent need to keep the peace with your desire to stop him perving over your DD.

I know what I'd do, and it wouldn't be prioritising peace-keeping.

Thirtytwoinsidethesunset · 17/07/2024 10:31

Yeah- protect your daughter and stop having contact with them.

Comedycook · 17/07/2024 10:31

What do you mean in laws? Are they her grandparents or uncle and aunt?

Either way, I wouldn't be quiet about it. I wouldn't give a shit about offending him. People like this thrive on other people's politeness and silence

Comedycook · 17/07/2024 10:31

Oh sorry I saw your title and see it's brother in law.

TheSpottedZebra · 17/07/2024 10:32

Not have him in your house. Not make/encourage your daughter to go round to theirs.

And make it clear why.

jeaux90 · 17/07/2024 10:32

Team DD here, you need to demonstrate boundaries to her so she knows it's also ok to tell him to stop.

I'd absolutely say something.

HowIrresponsible · 17/07/2024 10:33

He's not welcome in your home ever again. You live next door. If you have to see them you go there and DD doesn't.

She doesn't have to go she is an adult.

Original poster
strongandenduringfriendships · 17/07/2024 10:35

yes you are right, however to live peacefully I keep distance & this works mostly. He is unpredictable & won't say 'oh sorry I didn't realise I was making her uncomfortable' , it will be met with nastiness. What would you say to him?

OP posts:
Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 17/07/2024 10:36

whose brother is he?
or is he married to your dh's sister?
what does your dp think about the situation?
has he noticed the lechy behaviour?
does he understand the effect on your dd?
does he have more of a relationship with them than you do?
why have you ended up liviing next door to each other, and is there any chance that will change any time?
if this is your dp's family, can he not deal with it?

Original poster
strongandenduringfriendships · 17/07/2024 10:37

he hasn't been in our house for 10+ years I would never let him in I don't like him & have no contact

OP posts:
yeesh · 17/07/2024 10:37

Are these your partners family or yours? Why would you allow your daughter to be perved on just to keep the peace?

LadyMinerva · 17/07/2024 10:38

As you've said both bil and sil I assume your dh is the brother of bil? Is he still present? If so he needs to stand up for his dd and put his brother in his place.

Jamazon1 · 17/07/2024 10:38

As above, need to speak up, demonstrate boundary setting etc. Have you had discussions with your DD and has she told you how she feels/what she wants to do?
Also what is your partner doing to support?

N0tfinished · 17/07/2024 10:39

Could you move? Why on earth would you live next to them in these circumstances

Original poster
strongandenduringfriendships · 17/07/2024 10:42

sorry if not clear, he is sil partner. I had noticed him looking at dd previously & this morning dd said 'EURGH he was looking at me ' as we sometimes use same entrance to property. Hadn't mentioned it to DH but will tonight. Hence asking advice ...

OP posts:
ChaToilLeam · 17/07/2024 10:44

Let your DH deal with it, and in the meantime continue to keep away from this disgusting man.

AzureAnt · 17/07/2024 10:52

He sounds awful. Any chance you can move house?
Is it your DHs brother?

BakeOffRewatch · 17/07/2024 10:53

Move. Give your daughter a home that is a totally safe haven to enjoy and relax with her family. She might be 18yo, but I assume you’d want her to visit with her family in future and that you want to enjoy your own family well into the future.

Berga · 17/07/2024 10:54

In all honesty, I'd tell him to stop fucking looking at my 18 yo DD. I wouldn't be being all nice to keep the peace. You're prioritising other people, and an awful bully at that, over yourself and your DC.

pinkyredrose · 17/07/2024 10:56

Why on earth do you live next door to them? I'd move.

wombat15 · 17/07/2024 11:00

It's going to be hard to stop him. If you say anything he will just deny it and he isn't doing anything illegal. I would move.

wombat15 · 17/07/2024 11:01

Berga · 17/07/2024 10:54

In all honesty, I'd tell him to stop fucking looking at my 18 yo DD. I wouldn't be being all nice to keep the peace. You're prioritising other people, and an awful bully at that, over yourself and your DC.

That might make him worse if he is trying to intimidate.

Hoppinggreen · 17/07/2024 11:03

Your DH reaction will be very interesting.
If its that he didn't notice but will now address it then fair enough
If he minimises it, gets nasty with you or tells you and DD to put up with it to keep the peace then you have a serious issue.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/07/2024 11:06

You do need to say something, think of it as teaching your dd boundaries. Letting a bloke getting away with perving on her to keep the peace is a terrible message to give your daughter.

If he's not been in your house for ten years, where is it happening?

MargotEmin · 17/07/2024 11:06

The only way to challenge behaviour like this is loudly and directly. Trying to do it discreetly or politely in a way that will keep the peace is impossible and plays into the hands of perverts everywhere.