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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

pervy bil & dc, how to stop him staring, wwyd?

123 replies

strongandenduringfriendships · 17/07/2024 10:28

Live next-door to in-laws, they aren't married but have been together a number of years. Don't have a good relationship with them which is exacerbated by behaviours from him that I don't like, racist remarks, binge drinking, anger management issues &bullying, living in a tip, so I keep completely out of the way & avoid wherever possible. However dd age 18 is very pretty & now he is staring at her obviously, (it may be to intimidate, I don't know as he is such an unpleasant character). Want to keep the peace however I really don't want dd to feel uncomfortable at her own home. Issues in the past have never been resolved well, sil has previously said 'just don't wind him up' .... Any advice?

OP posts:
Jennyathemall · 17/07/2024 11:07

Move house.

HowIrresponsible · 17/07/2024 11:08

pinkyredrose · 17/07/2024 10:56

Why on earth do you live next door to them? I'd move.

Because house prices and interest rates make that affordable and easy?

Original poster
strongandenduringfriendships · 17/07/2024 11:08

we don't want to move & generally keeping away works apart from this new development ... I have spoken to his mother previously about other antisocial behaviour, however this is a more delicate & pertinent as its my DD. Will discuss with DH & DH tonight. What do you say to someone who is aggressive & defensive??

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 17/07/2024 11:09

Oh - just saw she passes him in the entrance. Ok role play with her. 'Don't you dare look at me like I'm an object.' Learning standing up for herself is a good skill. Practise on him.

Why does your sil not divorce him?

ByCupidStunt · 17/07/2024 11:09

Teach her to say "what the fuck are you staring at?"

HowIrresponsible · 17/07/2024 11:10

ByCupidStunt · 17/07/2024 11:09

Teach her to say "what the fuck are you staring at?"

Because that's safe for her when she lives next door to a dangerous relative ?

Sunnydiary · 17/07/2024 11:12

You say you don’t want to move but I would think this situation warrants it.

Original poster
strongandenduringfriendships · 17/07/2024 11:14

arethereanyleftatall · 17/07/2024 11:09

Oh - just saw she passes him in the entrance. Ok role play with her. 'Don't you dare look at me like I'm an object.' Learning standing up for herself is a good skill. Practise on him.

Why does your sil not divorce him?

thank you, it's helpful to have that phrase ready for him. I have no idea why sil is with him, she was very dismissive about his misogynist behaviour years ago however I have nothing to do with them now.

OP posts:
GrumpyPanda · 17/07/2024 11:19

What exactly is the physical layout. Is there anything you can do to get rid of the shared entrance?

pikkumyy77 · 17/07/2024 11:19

I don’t think one clever riposte frim your dd will have any effect. The lot of you have trained him that you don’t have the courage to call him out or follow through.

He has been awful and anti social for years.

I think I’d pull the plug on the entire relationship and tell SIL to control her dog I mean boyfriend and tell dh he needs to tell bf to keep his eyes to himself.

Toptotoe · 17/07/2024 11:21

I think I’d be looking to move house. . .

Original poster
strongandenduringfriendships · 17/07/2024 11:23

Sunnydiary · 17/07/2024 11:12

You say you don’t want to move but I would think this situation warrants it.

life isn't as simple as that, he is more likely to move away first. I don't spend time with people like him & whilst I can't say "don't f***g stare at my daughter, I can say other things. Unfortunately because of his behaviour & history things have been tolerated that shouldn't have been.

OP posts:
Parkmybentley · 17/07/2024 11:23

Can you move home? It doesn't sound safe for DD

SchoolQuestionnaire · 17/07/2024 11:27

We had a similar situation with dd (who was 14 at the time). It was at a family party with one of dbil’s relatives. I didn’t need to do anything as dh clocked it as quickly as I did and went up to the perv and very discreetly told him that if he caught him even glance at underage dd again he’d rip his eyes out.

It’s not an ideal solution and I said as much to dh. Dh’s argument was that we didn’t know what he was capable of, since he seemingly thought it acceptable to publicly perv over a young girl, plus it worked and most importantly dd was completely oblivious. She’s very young for her age and would have been distraught if she’d realised that a grown man was looking at her like that.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/07/2024 11:27

It's all about control, intimidation and bullying isn't it.

Have you seen that scene in I think Red Sparrow where Jennifer Lawrence is able to take control back and it completely floors the rapist?

It's something to aspire to.

GreigeO · 17/07/2024 11:32

I don't think it should be on your DD to deal with this behaviour, and I wouldn't want her to engage with him at all, as any interaction from her might be taken as an 'in' by him. I hate to say it, but this type of bloke is more likely to pay attention to another bloke. I think your DH should say something. Or move.

Toptotoe · 17/07/2024 11:34

imho - this is one of those situations where you either move or you put up and shut up.

You cannot control someone else’s behaviour - not his nor sil - you can only control your own behaviour . . .
your options are limited:
a) call him out on his behaviour and risk having a long running bitter neighbour
b) shut up and say nothing
c) move

You say ‘ that things have been tolerated that shouldn’t have been’ but what should have happened if the thing had not been tolerated? You’d probably be in some awful ‘neighbours from hell’ dispute?
I think life is too short to be living in an environment where there is so much toxicity but I have a low tolerance for drama.
i think you need to assess your options - none are ideal but it’s a question of priorities.

WetBandits · 17/07/2024 11:35

I’d say to pass this one on to your DH. It’s his BIL and men like that rarely listen to women, especially the ones they are trying to intimidate.

Original poster
strongandenduringfriendships · 17/07/2024 11:37

Thanks for advice

OP posts:
maudelovesharold · 17/07/2024 11:40

HowIrresponsible · 17/07/2024 11:08

Because house prices and interest rates make that affordable and easy?

Show quote history

A house even in the same area, but a different street would be preferable to living cheek by jowl with a relative who makes life miserable for you, surely? It’s not very common for in-laws to live next door to each other - for good reason.

BobbyBiscuits · 17/07/2024 11:41

You and daughter both tell him straight..Stop staring it me or I'll have to contact the police about your intimidating behaviour. Tell him he should be ashamed of himself.

Sunshineafterthehail · 17/07/2024 11:41

Get her a t-shirt with Fuck Off Perv on it. I hope your garden set up isn't so he can view her from a window..

Seas164 · 17/07/2024 11:41

There isn't a magic phrase to make him stop using staring as an intimidating tactic. If you can't move, and fair enough, I'd deal with it as if he wasn't married to your SiL, as though he was an unrelated neighbour. What would you do in that scenario?

pikkumyy77 · 17/07/2024 11:42

There are no magic words that make an uncontrollably horrible person behave. You either fight fire with fire and escalate until it is more unpleasant for him to continue or there is very little you can do. And obviously that is a high risk approach as he is more practiced than you are.

I would suggest getting a copy of “the gift of fear” for your dd so she can learn to spot predators and abusive men before they move in with her. Your poor SIL could have used it and avoided this mess.

ETA:Snap! The poster right above me and I had the same reaction!

cupcaske123 · 17/07/2024 11:42

strongandenduringfriendships · 17/07/2024 10:35

yes you are right, however to live peacefully I keep distance & this works mostly. He is unpredictable & won't say 'oh sorry I didn't realise I was making her uncomfortable' , it will be met with nastiness. What would you say to him?

Keep him away from her; protect your daughter.