pervy bil & dc, how to stop him staring, wwyd?

[strongandenduringfriendships]

Live next-door to in-laws, they aren't married but have been together a number of years. Don't have a good relationship with them which is exacerbated by behaviours from him that I don't like, racist remarks, binge drinking, anger management issues &bullying, living in a tip, so I keep completely out of the way & avoid wherever possible. However dd age 18 is very pretty & now he is staring at her obviously, (it may be to intimidate, I don't know as he is such an unpleasant character). Want to keep the peace however I really don't want dd to feel uncomfortable at her own home. Issues in the past have never been resolved well, sil has previously said 'just don't wind him up' .... Any advice?

I’d give her (and your husband, and maybe your SIL) some easy things to say to clearly draw attention to it every time he does it, in a neutral way.

”Are you ok, you keep staring at me?”
”You’re staring at me again, are you sure you’re ok?”
”You’re staring at me, was there something you wanted to ask me?”
”You keep doing that staring thing, are you feeling quite ok?”

If he says something back to justify himself then responding
”Well you’re making me feel uncomfortable, could you stop doing it please”
”I’ve asked you to stop staring at me please”
”Do you always stare at children like that?”

I wouldn’t call this new phase a development- it’s sinister if your 18 year old dd has noticed too. This gives me vibes of Danielle Jobes who was murdered by her uncle

You are kidding…??? You can’t seriously think that make believe Hollywood nonsense is a model for actual behaviour when dealing with a rapist.

Of all the responses, I'm changing mine to

'Are you ok, you keep staring at me'

As the best one. Turns it back on him. She doesn't want to let him know he's making her uncomfortable because that's his goal. She can't be aggressive, because he'll be worse back. This calls him out without any indication that she's feeling threatened.

I would say fuck off out of here and leave us alone. I wouldn't want someone like that around a young woman.

You could help by saying "Why are you staring at her?"

Why are we always so afraid to state the obvious for fear of upsetting others. Are we all like this? I know that I am and I need to change. So do you, OP.

Seems like it is easy enough for DD to stay at your place and not go over there much, and never alone.
She is eighteen so will be excused for not going to family meet ups. Encourage her to forge her own lif, to invite her firends and go out with them etc. Solidarity and security in numbers. If you want to meet SIL go out (away from BIL) for girly time.

Jesus! No: he will not respond to polite and indirect remarks like “are you ok?” Or “do you always stare like that?” FFS.

I would be very wary of following some of the advice on here - this isn't some random bloke in a pub that you'll never see again. He lives next door to you - it's a potentially very dangerous scenario.

I know you don't want to (and I agree you shouldn't have to) but I would be moving house.

I'm intrigued how you ended up living next door to each other if you can't stand each other. I like having family close by. But in the same town is close enough. One of my siblings would drive me up the wall living next door.🤣🤣🤣

On a more serious note it's sexual harassment. As she is his niece it's concerning. I would report the creep to police. He's a risk to young women.

This is something for your DH to handle, but whatever he says might not help.

If he continues the behaviour, document it. Repeated staring can constitute harassment.

www.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/sh/stalking-harassment/what-is-stalking-harassment/

If it is at all possible, I would move.

Agree. Do it in company, in front of your daughter. If possible do it in front of your husband and SIL too. Please stop staring at my child.

“Piss off,” to be honest.

Please don’t ask your daughter to deal with this. You already know the man is aggressive and unpredictable. He’s not going to be embarrassed into stopping by a sassy remark. It might even encourage him.

This is a man to man issue. Police if things escalate.

Prioritise your child and protect her. Tell BIL in no uncertain terms that it’s harassment, and to stop. Tell his wife too.

Can you move? They sound awful to live near.

Why would you risk antagonising him?

I genuinely don't get some of this advice - he lives next door and could pose a very real risk to a vulnerable 18 year old. Confronting him could put the daughter in a really risky situation.

What behaviour and history?
What has been tolerated previously?

I can't understand why you want to live next door to this sleazy individual. This is obviously not an isolated incident of unpleasantness. This man been allowed to get away with this behaviour for a long time. My father would have put the fear of God into any relative who behaved like that to his teenage daughter and my mother would probably have done worse, But, most of all, my parents would have moved away. They were prepared to move countries to get away from my mother's family who were very disapproving of their mixed marriage!

I would be moving. Not just because of this, but because of all the issues you mentioned.

She is 18, you should be teaching her how to handle this herself not trying to fix it for her. He doesn’t fill an ‘uncle’ role in her life so she should be coached through how to deal with him like any other pervy man. You will not always be there to tell the bad men to go away! Teach her how to tell them to fuck off - she doesn’t need to be polite. She needs to call them out, make a fuss, not be ashamed, make them ashamed! “What are you staring at? You’re old enough to be my dad , are you a pedo? ” at full volume should do it!

Why should you want to keep the peace with such an unpleasant man? If there are racist comments in the street, report to the police. If he is driving, then assume he is unfit to, and report to the DVLA. If he is claiming benefits, report to the DWP.

Sounds like the local police already have a record on him ? In which case go to them and voice concerns and ask for advice. In the meantime, best to ignore rather than inflame a situation for now. Difficult but given it is family - assuming your partner's mother's partner? - it would be wise to keep a low profile until police advise. In the meantime, counsel your daughter not to react nor respond to comments from him. Very sorry she is going through this.

Was thinking the same thing about magic phrases and this character.

What if she carried an alarm and if she caught him perving at her, instead of saying anything, she just let off the alarm. The loud noise would attract attention and would embarrass more than any sentence I think. It would also demonstrate that she was wise to him and ready and prepared to alert those around her. She could always pretend it went off by accident if anyone asked.

I know it sounds a bit dramatic, but it can be intimidating trying to find the right words is hard in the spur of the moment.

I'd be saying loudly and to be heard, oh is Uncle Bob staring at you again. Ah don't worry creepy old men always stare at young girls, daughter's name. He is most likely feeling old and probably his eyes are going bad now too, has difficulty focussing etc

Other than that roar loudly stop staring at your niece you perverted old fucker, much more of it and we will report you to the police and your employer for harassment. No matter if you do or don;t I'd make a show of him every single time

Oi Dave, stop staring at DD or you'll get a right reputation as a perv.

Say this loudly and in front of as many people as possible.