pervy bil & dc, how to stop him staring, wwyd?

[strongandenduringfriendships]

Live next-door to in-laws, they aren't married but have been together a number of years. Don't have a good relationship with them which is exacerbated by behaviours from him that I don't like, racist remarks, binge drinking, anger management issues &bullying, living in a tip, so I keep completely out of the way & avoid wherever possible. However dd age 18 is very pretty & now he is staring at her obviously, (it may be to intimidate, I don't know as he is such an unpleasant character). Want to keep the peace however I really don't want dd to feel uncomfortable at her own home. Issues in the past have never been resolved well, sil has previously said 'just don't wind him up' .... Any advice?

First step would be to discuss it within your family (with DH and DD, separately or all together).
How I would deal with it would depend on how you fear he will react. Bluster and temper tantrums, I would go ahead and tell him to stop staring. Likelyhood of him becoming physically violent or destroying property, I would think of an alternative solution.

I'm all for keeping the peace but if some twat made my daughter (nearly 18) uncomfortable sexually I would threaten to cut his balls off and I'd mean every single syllable.

Most men just try to intimidate and completely back down if you totally believe in yourself.

Can you split the entrances, put up tall fences? CCTV to catch him in the act?

Tell your dh to speak to him.

Honestly I would try to move as your dd should not feel so uncomfortable and intimidated at her home, her safe place.

I would be hesitant to have her confront him with any preprepared responses unless she is confident enough to continue to stand up for herself if he retorts as it could cause the situation to escalate.

This is the best way. He’s much more likely to back off if another man pulls him up on it.
I wouldn’t expect an 18 year old to deal with this alone if support from her father is available.

Tell him to pack it in and if he kicks up a fuss, give your daughter a water pistol and every time she sees him stare, squirt him in the face. Tell him if he's going to behave like an animal he can be taught like an animal.

I'd say stop staring you dirty old man and if he kicks off I'd keep answering back and I wouldn't care if the whole street heard what was going on

For Gods sake don’t do this. Any excuse for physical contact - in this case grabbing the pistol off her - and he’ll take it.

Does the SIL have daughters?

YABU for not having moved house before now.

“Stop staring at me you old perve”

”does aunty x know you are leering at young girls?”

”gross, fuck off”

Can you apply for a Clare's law (not sure if that's the right one) disclosure from the police? He sounds dangerous and he may have form.

Can you move?

Stand up for your baby and give her to tools to also do it for herself by showing her how it's done

The problem with moving is these types of men aren't particularly rare. There's thousands of them.

Who cares about this pervert. Stand up for your dd and make sure she knows that she can too. Any fall out then that's their issue. Actually win win as you will have less to do with them.

I'd be very careful about following some of the responses on here. This isn't some random in a public place that might be embarrassed into stopping. This is someone who you already know to be nasty, living next door to you. Do you really think that by telling him to fuck off and stop staring, he will actually stop? Do you not think there is a chance that he could escalate things and make all your lives awful?

please do not prioritise peace over your daughter's safety. If you know there's nothing you can say to make him stop, or think he will escalate if you say anything, then I'd honestly move. Is there any reason why you have stayed?

Move

You might not want to but it would sort out a lot of issues like this if you did. Doesn't have to be far, just far enough from where you are now.

I'd say it anyway and hope it escalated enough that they leave you alone and start avoiding you. Fuck the family rift.

TBH you seem to be minimising this so you don’t have to take action. He’s behaving like this to your daughter in her own home ffs. I would actually move house.

I was one of the PP who said tell him to fuck off, and despite that, I also know what you are saying. I think the difference between me and OP is my telling him to fuck off wouldn't be an out of the blue thing, I'm pretty upfront and mouthy, so wouldn't have been keeping the peace all this time or have moved next to this awful man. I also know that the men in my family would not have allowed his behaviour or let it slide.

So actually, I'll modify my advice and say to OP if you won't move and this is the status quo that no one will change then teach your DD everything you can about abusive men, power plays, intimidation etc. because if she sees this as acceptable and normal, she is at risk of repeating this cycle your family find themselves in.

Claire’s law is a good idea as a first step - you need to know if he has form
how often does it happen?
The problem with confrontation is that these type of men love to make people uncomfortable, and responding opens up more opportunity to interact.
If your going to get your DH to talk to him then it needs to be ‘stop leering at my daughter’ rather than ‘you’re making my DD uncomfortable’. A clear instruction is needed without giving him the pleasure of knowing it’s upsetting her.

I agree. The OP should move.

Lots of good advice here, I just want to add you need to choose one and do something. You need to keep her safe, that trumps keeping the peace every time

I agree. This is utterly bizarre.