If I was ever autistic…. I outgrew it

[Finlandia86]

So to start off, let me say that I am far from ignorant about Autism, I have studied it at length and I know it is a condition present from birth / very early childhood and is not something you can outgrow.

Having learned a lot about Autism, including its presentation in girls, I look back on my childhood and see that I had a whole load of traits, including:

• Difficulty distinguishing fantasy from reality, especially as a young child
• Long running obsessions as a tween and teen (characters in books and TV shows mainly, to the point where it would interfere with my life and I would secretly pretend I was them…see above)
• Fixations on certain people in real life (usually teachers).
• Social difficulties - being thought of as aloof and stand-offish when actually I was shy and didn’t know how to ‘be’.
• Avoided showering (couldn’t be bothered and didn’t see the point).
• Sensory seeking (chewing stuff all the time, humming all the time, tendency to jiggle/rock in my seat)
• Difficulty with eye contact (shyness and low self esteem)
• Difficulty organising myself and terrible procrastination, until hyperfocus kicked in (after days of tears)
• Black and white thinking about right and wrong / good and bad, and giving myself an extremely hard time because of this.
• Lots of examples of supremely cringy behaviour, because I didn’t understand how I would look to other people.

If I was a teen today, pretty sure I’d get a diagnosis.

But… at nearly 40 years of age … I have grown out of all of it.

Okay, not quite all. I am still a terrible pen chewer and procrastinator (although my hyperfocus superpower seems to have left me). But the rigid fixations and the social awkwardness… gone. Gradually, it has to be said. It took until I was about 26 to truly grow into myself and find my social confidence, and it was around then that I stopped fixating on both real and fictional people, which I think had a lot to do with finally developing some self-esteem. You’ll be pleased to know that I now shower daily.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this, as I imagine a lot of people will think I am trying to invalidate their diagnoses or those of their children… I’m not. But I guess I am wondering whether we can be a bit quick to diagnose ‘low support needs’ / Aspergers type autism, when actually it’s just a case of ‘quirky child’ / ‘immature teen’.

Or, I guess a different takeaway could be one of hope: that as a probably autistic person I have learned to navigate and overcome many of life’s difficulties by middle adulthood.

I suppose my question is whether anyone else can identify with my experience, and if anyone has any interesting thoughts about it.

This makes total sense to me.

I happily accepted my ADHD diagnosis but was very resistant to autism. I didn't see it in myself at all. And I knew autistic women and didn't relate at all to any of them.

It was only when thinking of myself as a child and teenager that I saw it.

As I've started to unmask a bit I've felt a lot happier but now I'm not hiding things as well I definitely think other people are noticing that I'm not neurotypical way more than ever before.

One of the reasons I was so resistant is I didn't relate to the not understanding social rules. My DH is autistic and often isn't aware of he is talking too much or too little or talking too much about specific interests. I never identified with that at all.

If anything I always felt very hyper aware of peoples reactions to me and could read their facial expressions and knew if they were reacting negatively. But truthfully I never instinctively knew why. I just knew I was doing something weird and so sort of trial and errored and copied others to figure it out.

It's only through years of reflection I've realised and remembered how I learned how to make small talk from copying others almost by rote, copying specific phrases and conversations. I started remembering a lot of the shame and how I ran away from who I was.

I remember using "big" words as a child in a way that was unnatural and I remember a lot of adults pulling faces so I learned how to talk more like other people and would purposely change my style of speaking. I remember copying other peoples personalities, likes and dislikes etc. I would be completely focused on the other persons reactions to me when I spoke with them and learned how to act more "normal".

I actually think I did a pretty good job and for years nobody would have guessed but I couldn't keep it up for long so struggled to make lasting friendships. I also would regularly become burnt out and found daily life overwhelming. Now I've learned to unmask even slightly I feel a lot happier.

Interesting. Also wondering if it's that black or white. There is ND spectrum so there must also be NT spectrum. Maybe most people just have more NT traits or more ND traits. A PP likened a spectrum to a mosaic. I like that, it makes more sense.

If someone has dyslexia, would you just say that you’ll never be able to read, and that if you can ‘you’re masking’?

Of course not. Learning to read may be more difficult, take longer, need to be taught differently but the brain is plastic and can adapt.

I had this too!! I was a quirky kid who did some rather weird things such as collecting dead birds off the road to bury in the garden as I felt sorry for them.
I also struggled socially with friendships, lots of fall outs, shy and found eye contact hard etc, very nervous around groups of people and boys when the time came.Young for my age, pretended to be a baby alot aged about 8 or older! Lots of giving personalities to objects and forming strong attachments to soft toys etc, struggled with affection, spoke in rather strange ways about things, rigid thinking.
But I am 99.9% sure my dad was autistic...so I do wonder if it was learnt behaviours from him.
I'm fairly different now at 36.

I dont think you grow out of being autistic. My DS certainly doesn't suffer with things he did as a child now but he still.struggles. He doesn't function in society the same way someone who isn't autistic does. It's a disability for him as it prevents him being able to live the life he envisages for himself instead accepting a different kind of life where he has learnt coping strategies to get by. That's just at 23 by 40 I would imagine his coping strategies become intrinsic in everyday life and the adapted life he creates for himself will feel like it should. I hope it does anyway your post is actually quite positive really as what more could you ask for to accept yourself for who you are whether that is autistic or not.

I think this is spot on. Children are being endlessly shielded now from being pushed out of their comfort zone, be they NT or ND. They miss out on the chance to develop life skills they need.

Obviously there are varying severities of autism but contrary to the myth everybody is not somewhere on the spectrum. You either have it or you don’t.
Nobody “grows out of it”.
For me my autism is more noticeable in times of stress so it can appear to have “got better” but it is just that I am managing it better. Add in more stress and I don’t have enough capacity left to manage it as well.
Like many people my age I wasn’t diagnosed until middle age. I wish I had been diagnosed as a child (if the times were different and supported difference which they very much did not in the 60/70s) because perhaps then I wouldn’t have blamed myself for being weird and not fitting in. This did huge damage to my self esteem.

Btw I may vomit if I read terms like “neuro spicy” or “neuro sparkly” or that it is a “super power” ever again.

Doesn't sound like you've even met an autistic person. I work with autistic children every day. They are amazing. You are wrong.

Place marking! I was diagnosed at age 26 - quite a long time ago now. It was also picked up at University when I was 18. At secondary school in the 90s I got detention for having ADHD (and no support)

But i too feel less affected by it now. I mask a lot and have adapted amazingly but I am intrigued by other people’s positive experiences. I’ll come back tomorrow for a read!

I even thought last week “maybe I’m not autistic after all”…. And then proceeded to stay wet, wrapped in a towel after a shower for ages because I was overwhelmed and couldn’t get dressed. I kept telling myself I was lazy instead.

But, I’m still intrigued by the thread nonetheless

I feel similar and understand what you're saying. Since supporting my autistic child I have been able to mask much less myself, because I don't need to mask as much anymore. I can communicate when I'm overwhelmed and also the accommodations put in place for my son really help me to cope better too, so I can relax and be more me!!

You haven't grown out of being autistic, you've merely masked and learnt the social code through trial and error. This is something autistic girls/women are very good at. Your post resonated with me and I copied my way through extreme social anxiety as a teen/young adult.

This.

There are many people posting here who clearly have never even met an autistic person and certainly shouldn't be commenting.

I tend to agree with you OP but put your flameproof suit on.

Same. A relative was constantly being assumed to be on the spectrum as a younger child. V sensory, socially immature, hyperlexic, obsessions, some stimming, struggles with toilet training, very very black and white about things.

Now a happy teenager, does well at school, has a nice small group of friends. Channeled obsessions into hobbies, matured, a lot.

I don't believe you stop/outgrow bring autistic.

You either are or you aren't.

Perhaps as an adult you lead a life in society that does not have the pressures and triggers that being a child (with little control) had, therefore you manage daily life well?

Some expert hey? Took him thirty years to notice his own child was autistic, who by then was addicted to drugs and in prison.

Are you implying that autistic people don't grow up to be happy and healthy? How rude and ignorant.

One slant on this might be that you're more comfortable in yourself in adulthood because you've developed some agency and control over your life, gravitating to situations which are less likely to cause you distress or anxiety. Children and adolescents have much less power.

Assumed by who? Surely only multi disciplinary team will be the only ones in a position to determine and then it will be a fact, not an assumption. Unless you mean parents and teachers who are not qualified to assess.

Mild autism does not exist.
We are not “all on the spectrum…” a bit.
We don’t outgrow what is developmental brain formation, there from before birth.
It IS possible to learn strategies/copy/mask the areas we each find individually difficult.

Recommended reading:-
Spectrum Women - Walking to the Best of Autism
Anything by Dr Luke Beardon.

Research moves on.

Where has the OP said those children are not amazing?

If you're working with autistic children, they will be very different in twenty or thirty years and hopefully will have learned many skills along the way. Why are you simultaneously saying these children are wonderful AND writing off their capacity to adapt and learn?

I agree with this post. Im suspected (by my own accord) adhd/asd and have ND children. I completely understand what you’re saying as i feel similar BUT i don't think you’ve outgrown it more learnt to deal with it better (mask).

I'd say I'm the opposite. I am more aware and I guess self conscious of my differences now and that makes life harder. I think it can be harder to hide from now I'm a parent. I have to take my DC to a busy park sometimes, go to parties and make small talk, announce things about my private life to people eg tell people I'm engaged, having a baby ect. When I was younger I would just refuse to do things I didn't want to and avoid talking about myself, now I have to face things head on. I wouldn't say I've changed all that much.

I think on the 'mild' end things can shift around whether is misdiagnosis to start with or whatever way you look at it. My DS was diagnosed with AS at age 9 and then ADD at age 16
The psychiatrist said occasionally someone will present as AS at one age and for it to shift to ADD or something else at another age. I have a student the same, diagnosed with AS age 8... Now at 12 presenting more Adhd rather than AS.

I think with my son it was that sensory issues and regulation issues meant he couldn't function socially in a regular way at a younger age... But as he grew out of the sensory issues his social issues and sense of humour emerged.

On the other hand the most severe level 3 autism is totally different and obviously definitely doesn't get 'grown out of '.

I think it can be very difficult for the most severly disabled having to share the same label as children who can go on to live relatively regular independent lives.. I'd imagine in years to come this huge umbrella definition will be broken down into different diagnosis

Except what she wrote was a mish mash of traits of ASD, ADHD, EUPD and plain old normal teen behaviours like calling crushes on people “obsessions”