If I was ever autistic…. I outgrew it

[Finlandia86]

So to start off, let me say that I am far from ignorant about Autism, I have studied it at length and I know it is a condition present from birth / very early childhood and is not something you can outgrow.

Having learned a lot about Autism, including its presentation in girls, I look back on my childhood and see that I had a whole load of traits, including:

• Difficulty distinguishing fantasy from reality, especially as a young child
• Long running obsessions as a tween and teen (characters in books and TV shows mainly, to the point where it would interfere with my life and I would secretly pretend I was them…see above)
• Fixations on certain people in real life (usually teachers).
• Social difficulties - being thought of as aloof and stand-offish when actually I was shy and didn’t know how to ‘be’.
• Avoided showering (couldn’t be bothered and didn’t see the point).
• Sensory seeking (chewing stuff all the time, humming all the time, tendency to jiggle/rock in my seat)
• Difficulty with eye contact (shyness and low self esteem)
• Difficulty organising myself and terrible procrastination, until hyperfocus kicked in (after days of tears)
• Black and white thinking about right and wrong / good and bad, and giving myself an extremely hard time because of this.
• Lots of examples of supremely cringy behaviour, because I didn’t understand how I would look to other people.

If I was a teen today, pretty sure I’d get a diagnosis.

But… at nearly 40 years of age … I have grown out of all of it.

Okay, not quite all. I am still a terrible pen chewer and procrastinator (although my hyperfocus superpower seems to have left me). But the rigid fixations and the social awkwardness… gone. Gradually, it has to be said. It took until I was about 26 to truly grow into myself and find my social confidence, and it was around then that I stopped fixating on both real and fictional people, which I think had a lot to do with finally developing some self-esteem. You’ll be pleased to know that I now shower daily.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this, as I imagine a lot of people will think I am trying to invalidate their diagnoses or those of their children… I’m not. But I guess I am wondering whether we can be a bit quick to diagnose ‘low support needs’ / Aspergers type autism, when actually it’s just a case of ‘quirky child’ / ‘immature teen’.

Or, I guess a different takeaway could be one of hope: that as a probably autistic person I have learned to navigate and overcome many of life’s difficulties by middle adulthood.

I suppose my question is whether anyone else can identify with my experience, and if anyone has any interesting thoughts about it.

Quite a few people in my family are autistic.Of course autism is a wide spectrum.
When I was younger like age 14 and under I had what I would say were autistic traits. I used to get really obsessed with weird facts, like did you know the gdp of Britain is that and Switzerland is that? I would sit there pouring over geography and history books, encyclopaedia etc
I would enthusiastically tell everyone that would listen and they would often tell me to go away.
I would lay down on the floor outside, just staring into the sky, zero awareness of how inappropriate it was. I never understood jokes, sarcasm or people lying, actually it was at uni that I finally learnt a lot of social norms.
Anyway, fast forward to years later, I feel like my traits have gone.

Fascinating question, OP. I wonder if you'll feel differently at menopause? I'm diagnosed adhd and had lots of difficulties but in my thirties and forties kind of got things together. Then peri hit and all my adhd symptoms came back. Or maybe it was more that my coping mechanisms failed. Or a combination of the two things!

I'd be surprised if hormones don't have some effect. Like the raging hormones of puberty kind of makes you temporarily ND?

Interesting you studied Autism at length OP. Have you studied ADHD? If not, might be worth looking at ADHD in girls and women.

I can’t speak for anyone else but it’s only ever got considerably worse for me over the years which is often the case for autistic people, especially females as menopause hugely affects symptoms. I also have ADHD which adds additional things to struggle with though.

I was exceptional at masking for a very long time until it all crashed and burned, I attempted suicide multiple times, I was sectioned and I’ve never recovered to the level I was functioning at before. Im practically a recluse at this point as I just cannot cope in the world at large. I also have multiple ND children which I’m fairly sure has pushed me to a point I may never have arrived at if I wasn’t a parent, trying to manage them and their conditions and my own at the same time.

Perhaps you’re just able to function at a level that fits in with your symptoms and have enough time to recover from social interactions/masking etc so your symptoms aren’t exacerbated.

Its difficult to say though if you’ve never received a diagnosis as you may never have actually been ND in the first place.

DSM-5 criteria for autism:

criterion A: persistent deficits in reciprocal social communication and social interaction

criterion B: restricted, repetitive patterns of behaviour, interests or activities

criterion C: symptoms must be present in the early developmental period

criterion D: symptoms cause clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning

Surely it's possible to meet criteria A and B, but for it not to be considered clinically significant impairment.

As far as I know I'm not autistic. However, I meet criteria A and B, in a lot of the same ways as my two autistic kids. I've never needed any adjustments or extra support and so I wouldn't say it was clinically significant for me. Its clear that any traits I have are stronger in my kids, to the extent that it causes them impairment in certain situations.

So either I'm autistic (possible, but where's the clinically significant impairment?) or there are people like me with autistic traits (and multiple autistic family members) who are in fact not autistic, and maybe OP is that type of person?

I don't honestly know but I do think about this a lot!

I agree with you OP. I suspect my DH could be (after reading examples on here), but he seems to manage by making lists, being organised etc. He's very successful and well liked. It seems people are quick for a diagnosis as an excuse, particularly for poor behaviour

I agree. Normal isn't a point its a range. I wonder if this is a push back from the standardisation of education and testing.

I also that there is a big push for people to be extrordinary, rather than being grateful that there is a huge number of people who are within the range of normal as they keep society safe.

The other challenge is that so much of this is subjective. I took the ND questionnaire and it was very obvious that you could answer the questions to get the result you believed was the truth.

DD1 (18) can dress herself independently. Did she grow out of her difficulties with fine motor skills? No. She stopped wearing clothes that required strong fine motor skills. She wears leggings and a t-shirt, with self tie shoe laces on her shoes.

Well done for finding a path that you are comfortable with.

You can have autistic traits but they are not considered significant enough to warrant a diagnosis.

None of what you said equals “out growing” it

FFS OP, if you are 'far from ignorant' about Autism and have 'studied it at length' then you absolutely know that you cannot outgrow it. You can learn how best to cope, and you learn how to mask, but you don't outgrow it.

If you were a teen today I can tell you for sure that you wouldn't get a diagnosis. Do you know why? Because getting any kind of mental health support, let alone a diagnosis is something that takes a ridiculous amount of time. So in answer to your question, no we are not 'a bit quick to diagnose' conditions like this.

Finally, in answer to your other statement, yes you are absolutely trying to invalidate the diagnoses of others, particularly children. They should all 'just grow out of it' like you have done, shouldn't they?

Without wanting to sound provocative, it's really frustrating to hear about what neurodivergence is and isn't from people who aren't neurodivergent themselves.

Of course everyone is entitled to an opinion on any subject under the sun, but if you aren't neurodivergent you have no idea how it feels. It doesn't matter if you have neurodivergent family members, it's not the same as understanding it from the inside.

And it's frustrating to find other people deciding they know better than us.

So, so, so many posts on here bloody constantly from people who "know" kids at school who apparently got a diagnosis EASILY but DEFINITELY aren't ACTUALLY autistic. Because they can tell. Right 🙄

A diagnosis of autism, ADHD etc is often extremely hard to get. Every single SEN parent I know had to jump through hoops to demonstrate it wasn't their parenting. If there are any other factors which may be influencing the presentation, diagnosis is delayed.

I do agree that we need some way of differentiating between groups of autistic people where the degree of difficulties are different.

I'm autistic (and ADHD) and so is my DD. My DS is also autistic but at 14 years old, he's still in nappies. Although we all find similar things difficult, our ability to cope, mask, and manage is vastly different.

The thing is with neurodivergence, many of the difficulties are the same as what a neurotypical child might experience. The crucial difference is the degree to which it interferes with functioning and how many of these differences there are.

For example, noise. There are plenty of children who don't like loud noises, or lots of background noise. But they may not be as intensely bothered by it as an autistic child and it may not present with the whole range of other autistic symptoms too.

Research is currently indicating that there are structural differences in the autistic brain. I can't bloody wait until/if this reaches a threshold where it can be used reliably for diagnosis because it will put paid to all the threads trying to dismiss what autistic people are experiencing, living, and describing.

As for you OP, maybe your presentation at childhood wouldn't have met the threshold for diagnosis. Or more likely, you don't recognise autistic traits within yourself any more as you've crafted a life that works for you, and you manage to mask effectively.

I'm not trying to shut down conversation - I think it's helpful to have conversations about how we more effectively describe different groups. But pouring cold water on the diagnosis of autism, with a bunch of neurotypical people all agreeing that most of us who are diagnosed aren't actually autistic at all is really hard to read. Time after time after time after time.

I have two kids with a ASD diagnosis and two borderline. I think I could get a ASD diagnosis too. I don't say that flippantly. I think if you near the borderline for diagnosis you can learn to mask so well that it becomes your new normal. But I think those issues never fully go. Put back under pressure I think you'd tend to go back to your comfort zone.

My son qas diagnosed just as he turned three. By six his paed said he wasn't classically autistic and she would struggle,to put him into the language disorder or ASD "box". My son has severe SEN. He is,disabled by his needs. It's severe. But he has no special interests, never had a meltdown. Ever. Doesn't need routine. Seeks out and has very successful friendships.

I think ASD isn't a neat little thing. You have to hope that therapy etc helps or what's the point. My lovely ds isn't the child he was at 3. He is,a different person at 12. I also have a 16 year old at sen school. You would never guess he has SEN if you met him. He still has severe dyspraxia and a language disorder. He had extensive therapy and its worked. He still is the person he always was

@Finlandia86 I don't have an answer, but it's interesting.

You say that things changed when you were 26. The brains pre frontal cortex isn't fully developed until around 25 years of age. Google says that part of your brain is responsible for planning, decision making, working memory, personality expression, moderating social behavior and controlling certain aspects of speech and language.

Maybe that has something to do with it?

My question would be what makes a trait "autistic"? Coudl it just be if that particular trait is dysfunctional i.e. if they are not causing harm or easily managed?

I have been diagnosed with and recieved treatment for an anxiety disorder. Anxiety is a normal emotion. What made it a disorder was that; I didn't eat, I couldn't leave the house because I was so scared and when I did leave the house I would return 3-4 times because I was worried I left the stove/straighteners etc.

Many people with ASD are never diagnosed because it doesn’t affect their social functioning, ability to get work, learn at school etc. That is the only reason to get a diagnosis in my opinion. We got one for my DS and the therapy he received as a result has been life changing.

My brother is very obviously ASD as well but never diagnosed . He functions fine as he has a job with a high concentration of them and where such quirkiness is almost celebrated.

I get you, my son has just been diagnosed as autistic and it has made me reflect a lot how I was growing up as I had lots of similar traits. I think now as an adult I am more aware of these and mask them better though they still rear their ugly head when I am not feeling on top of my game. Its not something I can control but I have learnt coping strategies though I think they shine through in other ways especially now in peri menopause. I have tried really hard to understand social norms and I work really hard at being aware - its exhausting and don't think I get it right but I think for a limited time I can mask it well. Luckily I have a job which means I don't have to have lots of interaction so I think I can hide all my difficulties.

So am not sure I outgrew it - I just learnt awareness, how to navigate situations better and just through lived experience you know you better. I see this in my son to, he is learning how to navigate life and its been a terrible few years but he is owning being autistic and do you know, its going ok.

@Notthegodofsmallthings Thank you! Yes I have to some extent, I don't know if my flame-proof suit will carry me down the ADHD rabbit hole as well, I’ll save that for another evening 😄

So interesting, thank you. I wonder what constitutes “clinically significant”? Must be a tricky one to call in borderline cases, especially as children are developing all the while.

I agree. Grew up hyperlexic, selectively mute, socially awkward, difficulty making friends, obsessive, etc. etc. Nowadays I can't relate that person at all (well, I still can be socially awkward, but I can laugh about it!). Even during incredibly stressful times. I don't feel like I'm pretending... It really is like I grew out of it.

While it is true that with the right support and education, a child will develop and change and learn coping strategies, they will not "grow out" of autism; it is an integral part of who they are. And to be given a diagnosis of autism you have to fit a certain set of criteria.

OP you are either autistic and have always been autistic, but have learnt coping strategies as you have grown up, so it is not quite so obvious now, or you are not autistic, and have never been autistic.

You haven't outgrown it. Autism isn't something that diminishes as you mature like some health conditions. It doesn't go away. If you've studied it at length then you know this isn't the case so this thread title is deliberately inflammatory and antagonistic. You will also know that the autistic brain grows and changes just like the neurotypical brain, and therefore traits and challenges can lessen, increase and change reflexively throughout an individual's life-time. There is also the socialisation and masking component of autism that can improve or even decrease in reaction to life-style.

I am guessing if you don't experience any autistic traits now and were never diagnosed with autism, then you are not on the spectrum.

you are right, it doesn't make sense - if you have a disability you can't pretend you don't to the extent that you actually don't.

That is called not having a disability

Couldn't have said it better myself.

That's so encouraging to hear, as mum to a teen DD with situational mutism.