If I was ever autistic…. I outgrew it

[Finlandia86]

So to start off, let me say that I am far from ignorant about Autism, I have studied it at length and I know it is a condition present from birth / very early childhood and is not something you can outgrow.

Having learned a lot about Autism, including its presentation in girls, I look back on my childhood and see that I had a whole load of traits, including:

• Difficulty distinguishing fantasy from reality, especially as a young child
• Long running obsessions as a tween and teen (characters in books and TV shows mainly, to the point where it would interfere with my life and I would secretly pretend I was them…see above)
• Fixations on certain people in real life (usually teachers).
• Social difficulties - being thought of as aloof and stand-offish when actually I was shy and didn’t know how to ‘be’.
• Avoided showering (couldn’t be bothered and didn’t see the point).
• Sensory seeking (chewing stuff all the time, humming all the time, tendency to jiggle/rock in my seat)
• Difficulty with eye contact (shyness and low self esteem)
• Difficulty organising myself and terrible procrastination, until hyperfocus kicked in (after days of tears)
• Black and white thinking about right and wrong / good and bad, and giving myself an extremely hard time because of this.
• Lots of examples of supremely cringy behaviour, because I didn’t understand how I would look to other people.

If I was a teen today, pretty sure I’d get a diagnosis.

But… at nearly 40 years of age … I have grown out of all of it.

Okay, not quite all. I am still a terrible pen chewer and procrastinator (although my hyperfocus superpower seems to have left me). But the rigid fixations and the social awkwardness… gone. Gradually, it has to be said. It took until I was about 26 to truly grow into myself and find my social confidence, and it was around then that I stopped fixating on both real and fictional people, which I think had a lot to do with finally developing some self-esteem. You’ll be pleased to know that I now shower daily.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this, as I imagine a lot of people will think I am trying to invalidate their diagnoses or those of their children… I’m not. But I guess I am wondering whether we can be a bit quick to diagnose ‘low support needs’ / Aspergers type autism, when actually it’s just a case of ‘quirky child’ / ‘immature teen’.

Or, I guess a different takeaway could be one of hope: that as a probably autistic person I have learned to navigate and overcome many of life’s difficulties by middle adulthood.

I suppose my question is whether anyone else can identify with my experience, and if anyone has any interesting thoughts about it.

That's good news.
Well done to your DC 😊

I agree with OP to a certain extent, completely depending on the individual and the severity

Having observed neurodiverse children that my DC go to school with, I have noticed that those with behaviours that were difficult to manage and clearly had no interest in other children in reception/yr 1, are now children that join in, can sit down for longer periods of time and can communicate better now they are in yr 6. There were a couple of non-verbal children who now talk well.

I can only imagine that for some ND children it can take a bit longer for their brain to develop in particular areas. What I mean by that is, OP mentioned she found if difficult to separate reality from fantasy. Pretty normal for a child up to around 4ish, not so normal for a teen. Sensory seeking/avoidance behaviour, pretty normal as a young child but you tend to grow out of it.

It seems that for some ND children some of their traits can 'disappear', but they probably have a new behaviour or can control it better/mask. It's important to note that many teens with MH struggles also have ND.

Well there is a whole spectrum of it. The more socially intelligent or just generally intelligent you are, the better chance you have of learning the social queues and etiquette and figuring it all out. Women are simply better at this naturally than men, more connections between both sides of the brain. We recover better from strokes too because of this fact apparently. It can be tiring for people though to always be thinking about what they should be doing. And embarrassing to always be getting it wrong and this is one reason some adults with ASD become reclusive, it's simply easier to avoid people.

My DS2 will need to be fully supported throughout his life, I'm under no illusions about him ever growing out of it. My DS1 was diagnosed as Aspergers / HFA and his autism seems to be getting more pronounced in his teens and he is more isolated and "quirky" than ever before. I'm starting to be very worried about him living independently as he is moving from mainstream into an ASD unit at 15yrs of age as social challenges have become so pronounced in school.

My DH suggested I go for an assessment but I don't see the point. I manage and have plenty of friends, confidence and work in IT which probably helps as it seems to be full of people with autism. Certainly everyone's child seems to have autism anyway. I'm in good company! Understanding that I probably have autism has helped explain things to me though, how I was as a child and how I am now. I don't think I've overcome autism, people constantly tell me how refreshing I am. However I see, usually much, much too late, when I overstep the mark and unintentionally offend people and they back away from me permanently.

I would agree that autism does not go away as such however it is possible that you have learned to change certain behaviours that indicate ASD and if you were now assessed for it, you would not meet the criteria.

You do realise that the people who give the diagnosis are HIGHLY TRAINED PROFESSIONALS don't you??? Doesn't matter what people post here, their opinions.

That’s not masking.

As a pp said , autism is being used as a name for a wide variety of people. I have two autistic kids according to school. One is profoundly disabled- never a word spoken,understanding of a 6 month old. I don't believe her condition should be classed as autism as her needs are incomparable to those on the higher end of the spectrum. The other has much much lower 'needs' and is academically alright. I believe her social needs will slowly improve as i have seen it happening

This definitely resonates with me, OP. I think the extra twist is, growing up socially immature scarred me to the point that I still feel quite fragile a lot of the time and have a fairly limited life due to a deep-seated wariness of others. Some of that is due to my home life, but a lot will also be down to the poor reception I received (from children and adults alike) as a socially clueless girl. I did eventually improve my social skills through life experience and effort, but I'm best in a transactional or performance context - not so much at getting close to people, or spending a lot of time around people outside my family. Some posters here might explain that as masking. I don't know - I feel like I've just been slow to learn and therefore I'm behind and my confidence was knocked.

It was actually suggested by a professional when I was small that I showed signs of autism, but this was shrugged off, it being the '80s. It wasn't a very sympathetic environment - I was written off as being shy, naughty, weird - when I would have loved to have the magic key to social interactions and confidence. I think people just assumed I wanted to be this way.

I genuinely don't understand what people mean by "it's a spectrum like a colour wheel or a mosaic" - surely the normal meaning of spectrum is a continuum. I also don't find the comparison to pregnancy (i.e. you are or you're not) to be very convincing - it's not like you can pee on a stick to diagnose autism, and nor is there an observable physical artefact. It seems like this is an ever evolving definition and so it's not right to shut down enquiry with canned phrases.

You could be right. When my son was 3/4 yrs old we were told my son was the worst autistic child they had seen. He's now 13 and in the last few years everyone has shook their head in disbelief as he shows no autistic traits at all.

I don't think that line is always worth anything, tbh. I think it is perfectly possible to be diagnosed wrongly, especially where a child's parents or an adult patient are actively seeking diagnosis and have read enough to give the "right" answers. I also think it is possible to go through the assessment process and not received a diagnosis where weight is given to input from eg school, who may lack any real knowledge of the patient.

@OneRingToRuleThemAll

Could it be that you mask so hard you have suppressed everything that is autistic and don't recognise it in yourself?

This is a scary rabbit hole that, personally, I don't want to go down. And, at the age I am now, the need probably won't arise.

That’s what I was thinking too

I'm finding this thread fascinating. As someone who feels they could also have been diagnosed as a child but definitely not now (and I have a DC with a diagnosis) I find the lines so blurred.

It will be fascinating to see how this generation of children grows up. For my generation (40s) the idea of an autism diagnosis as a child meant you couldn't really function in the mainstream. Now most of the kids I know with diagnoses are in mainstream schools - they struggle and need support but they have all kinds of different profiles. As a parent I can't help but hope that this diagnosis is something flexible and different which won't write off their future capabilities and life choices.

As for me I followed a similar trajectory to many on here.

Considered bright at school, was even put up a year and enrolled on gifted/talented program.

Found secondary harder and struggled with social rules. Was quite clingy to the friends I had, found eye contact awkward, had a very nervous energy and liked routine. I remember being upset when my friend wanted to go to a different room at break time than the one we usually went to. I didn’t like transitions - getting changed for PE felt like a bit of an ordeal which I dreaded, I’m not even sure why. I’ve always had an odd ‘stim’ which I won’t detail on here as it’s quite unusual/outing. I had obsessions that I cringe about thinking back as I bored everyone to tears with them.

Slowly started doing worse and worse in my exams, left after A-levels and had a number of false starts before falling into the job I’ve been in for 10 years now.

Like PP said something clicked in my mid 20s (which is when the brain matures and finishes its main development) and I finally ‘got it’. I grew in confidence, the eye contact got much better, I found social relationships much easier and I felt less bogged down/paralysed by my own brain. Things have improved ever since and now people have even described me as confident, capable and sociable. I’ve learned how to confront and do things I don’t like or previously would’ve hidden from.

I honestly believe some people just take longer to mature than others and follow a slightly different development trajectory.

Educational psychologist here, just to add that gifted students often exhibit similar traits to ADHD/ASD (Asperger's is gone, and even ASD is on the way out), so you could be looking at that, but also I wouldn't discount high levels of adaptability and learning social norms, potential masking as protection (this isn't always conscious), and possible overlap of giftedness and Autism (much more likely in gifted populations). Growing out of Autism is a little reductive a hypothesis, so I hope the above helps.

One last point, neurodivergent individuals tend to take longer to "mature" and exhibit more neuroplasticity, just something to bear in mind.

Some people heavily identify with Autism.
All those you tube autistic family videos.

I agree - I think people are quick to jump to a diagnosis, when surely we're all different, unique and diverse human beings. Everyone has different personalities and strengths/ weaknesses and it's 'normal' to be 'neurodiverse', surely that's the spectrum of humanity right there, we're all diverse. Therefore every human is on a spectrum and that's humanity ( versus identical neurological presentation, which isn't 'normal' - we're not robots). And kids are young humans with an immature brain, even more neurodiverse until they adapt to societal norms and therefore that neurodiversity should be viewed as normal....

Of course you can't 'outgrow it' but you can and do learn to cope with many of the issues. A less challenged person can easily become a fully functioning member of society.

But I wonder if you are on the spectrum or were just very shy and awkward?

Either way - everyone is different. DS (16) was very challenging throughout his childhood, but nowadays is a complete pleasure to be around. He can overreact if people criticise him, and his social skills are still a bit awkward. He also struggles with planning and understanding things, and has no awareness of abstract concepts/danger etc. But he has really developed so much in ten years, I would never have believed it. Hoping the next ten years will be even better!!

@BurnerName1 I work with autistic children and you are very very wrong.

I genuinely don't understand what people mean by "it's a spectrum like a colour wheel or a mosaic" - surely the normal meaning of spectrum is a continuum.

It might help you to see the autism spectrum for once?

@BurnerName1 the spectrum is not linear, with mild at one end and severe at the the other end. 'Spectrum' refers to the fact tbat autism affects a wide range of factors in the human experience eg social awareness, sensory processing, neuro-motor differences and within each of the many factors, each autistic person will have a different set of traits.

Being non-verbal is an extremely obvious sign but most of what the autistic person experiences is not visible. So for example somebody who can speak normally may be unable to go into a supermarket due to sensory overload whereas the non verbal person may find this ok.

My 17 year old has high functioning autism with accompanying social anxiety, poor eye contact, fixations, awkwardness etc, and I was exactly the same in my teens. I am definitely not now.

I am probably autistic. What I would say is that it's quite painful even though I know it doesn't affect me a lot.

I did most of those things and so does my daughter, in addition to other traits such as intense mimicking/masking. She had an online assessment and it was found inconclusive. The point I’m making is that often behaviour has to be quite extreme (more so than your examples) to secure a diagnosis. I think your view of now diagnosis happen in the current climate is quite naive.

I think this is happening now as well.

What it points to, I would say, is overdiagnosis. Kids who are actually within the realm of normal for their age, probably who are in an inappropriate environment, or the age expectations are unreasonable.

Mine has become more debilitating with age, which is pretty normal for autistic people. Masking has had severe implications for my psychological state.