Family expecting us to pay as we’re ‘high earners’

[Spotlightdeck]

DH and I are in our 30s, child-free, living in the city, earning around 100k each. A while ago, we made the mistake of using a family member (mortgage advisor) to arrange a mortgage, resulting in our salaries being shared around my family.

I’m from a small town with low average earnings and the only one in my immediate family earning this much. Since this info has come out, my family’s behaviour towards us has completely changed. At all family meals/events since, no one puts their hands in their pockets and we are expected to pay the entire bill. Snide remarks are made about how we hid the fact we’re “rolling in it”, and we’ve been guilt tripped about how we should be helping people in the family out who are struggling.

Whilst we do live comfortably, we are far from millionaires. I don’t feel that we are in the position to be supporting family financially, nor should it be expected. It’s getting to the point where spending any time with family is a nightmare as finances are almost always brought up or we’re expected to pay. AIBU in being absolutely sick of this and asking for some advice as to how we handle it?

I would let them arrange a restaurant again. When they pass you the bill, silently tot it up, make sure you have everything to hand, then say, ‘I make that £100 each, here is £225 cash from us including tip, afraid we have to run as our cab is here - we’ve had a lovely time, must do this again!’

What did you say when they did this?

Honestly I can't believe the cheek of them!!!!!!

I would attend one more family event, with as many people as possible. Announce that you are disappointed with the way you're being treated and it won't be happening in future. You expect courtesy and respect, you are not discussing your (or anybody else's) income, and you will cease contact with anyone who can't follow this simple rule. The mortgage advisor should be reported.

That's absolutely CF at its finest. I too would be reporting the mortgage adviser. They absolutely should never have divulged your income to anyone.

I'd be reporting the mortgage advisor relative. They absolutely shouldn't be disclosing identifiable information about clients - whether they're related to them or not.

I can - to an extent - understand your relatives feeling chippy and being a bit weird. Money can do that. I'm also a high earner and have seen a similar-ish attitude from a few people who were close to me. While they don't know how much I earn, they know it's a fair old whack because of what I do. I have no issues with banter or friendly teasing, in fact I expect it. But if people are genuinely sour and rude about it they can hush. My tremendous good fortune in my adult life hasn't been at their expense.

As for anyone who expects you to pay is being a knob. I enjoy being able to treat my friends and family and give to good causes. But I can safely say that none of my genuine friends or close family would expect me to pay for their stuff (or at least, if they do, they don't make it obvious).

Class and money are, in my opinion, the biggest divisions in this country and it can make things so awkward when we move between classes and occupy wildly different income brackets.. But anyone who genuinely loves you won't treat you like a meal ticket. Those that do: call them out. And if they don't change, cut them off.

Id be tempted to at least scare the shit out of the advisor for sharing your salary, even if you dont end up reporting them.

report so called mortgage advisor to hid professional body, and the ICO for GDPR breach.
And give crap but honest reviews wherever you can,

For the public | ICO

There's a difference between you offering to pay and them expecting you to pay. I think they sound horrible.

"Spotlightdeck
Thank you everyone. I should add, quite a lot has happened for us to finally get to this breaking point. The last family meal was arranged (not by us!) at a fancy restaurant where family members each ordered 4 courses (when paying for themselves, they’d only have a main) and simply passed the bill over to us when it was brought to our table! Safe to say we’ve had enough"

"I would let them arrange a restaurant again. When they pass you the bill, silently tot it up, make sure you have everything to hand, then say, ‘I make that £100 each, here is £225 cash from us including tip, afraid we have to run as our cab is here - we’ve had a lovely time, must do this again!’
*
Please this.*

It is very sad that they are acting like that. Let that be the last free meal they get out of you. If you do want to see them again (why???). Tell them you are not their personal piggy bank and you are offended that they think you are.

Even before GDPR the mortgage advisor had a professional duty to be confidential.

You do have an income where it would reasonable to contribute to aging parents and young niece's and nephews. DH & myself earn less and both do, but it is for you to offer and the disclosure of your income and their behaviour since is absolutely outrageous and I suspect why you've never offered before.

Please tell me you didn’t pay the entire bill?

Yes this, there's nothing wrong with contributing and it's nice to if you can.
It's the sheer entitlement and expectations of them that's off.

I would tell them one more shitty move like that and you'll report mortgage advisor

Why?

Honest question.

Tell them that you pay much more tax than them and that it goes towards paying for them via the welfare system.

I would tell the mortgage advisor - if you know for certain it was him/her - that you think they behaved very unprofessionally by disclosing your income to family members, and that you considering reporting them. Let 'em squirm for a bit.

Where is your evidence it was the mortgage advisor?

It really doesn't take a mortgage advisor or a genuis to work out a couple working in BIG city jobs, are earning lots more than the rest of the family if they are all low paid NMW type jobs.

On the face of it, your family sound awful.
Are they generally difficult to get along with or is it just this one issue? The only explanation I can think of for otherwise reasonable people behaving like this would be if you had form for pleading poverty or were tight with money. In that scenario I could see why, on discovering that you have a household income of £200k, they might feel justified in making comments. Although passing you the bill in the restaurant would still be incredibly rude behaviour!

I have a relative who despite earning very well indeed is notoriously tight. He will always disappear to the toilet as soon as the bill arrives at family meals, loves to be hosted by others and always turns up empty handed and would never dream of offering financial help his adult DC or a family member who was struggling, although he was more than happy to accept help when he was on his way up. I'd love to have the guts to pass him the bill next time we go out to eat! Don't think I could actually bring myself to do it though.

The thing is people with higher earnings tend to have higher outgoings along with it.

DH and I earn similarly to you and similar circumstances. DS and her DH have combined salaries of around half of ours and a DC so always have the attitude that we’re wealthy. However we probably have about the same amount of disposable income as they do.

We pay more in tax, NI, pension contributions and student loan repayments so even though our salaries are double theirs our take home pay isn’t.

Our monthly mortgage payments are 4x theirs. Our bills are higher. Our friends earn more which means it’s hard to avoid a more expensive lifestyle where we’re expected to spend more on expensive hen dos, destination weddings, expensive wedding and baby shower gifts etc. which all adds up.

Having a higher income doesn’t always translate to more disposable income!

Please report the “mortgage advisor” - they are beyond unprofessional and I wouldn’t want to use someone like that, even if it was only family they did it to. Awful!

How do you contribute?

Well their behaviour is vile. I would be tempted to tell the family member you could and might report them but I doubt I’d go through with it. I would be cutting that person off for sure. The rest of your family you have to probably think about on a case by case basis - do you want to salvage the relationship if no, easy, if yes then you need to talk to them about their behaviour.

You might not feel in a position to financially help others but again think about this on a case by case basis - can you pay everyone’s mortgages for them and buy them all cars? No of course not. Could you help your parents somehow if they need it? Maybe. My own (non grabby) mum is elderly and skint through no fault of her own (disabled and on a state pension) so I pay for her to have a cleaner. I earn a fraction of what you do but I can pay £60 a month for this help for her. We also tend to pay for birthday meals out and the odd take away etc. I would find it hard to believe that on £200k you couldn’t do similar, obviously you don’t have to but you probably could.

It's an awfully big coincidence that the comments only began after OP's consultation with the mortgage advisor. Someone else might have figured it out and spread the information, but it does seem more likely that it originated with the so-called professional that OP and her husband recently trusted with their private information.