Family expecting us to pay as we’re ‘high earners’

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DH and I are in our 30s, child-free, living in the city, earning around 100k each. A while ago, we made the mistake of using a family member (mortgage advisor) to arrange a mortgage, resulting in our salaries being shared around my family.

I’m from a small town with low average earnings and the only one in my immediate family earning this much. Since this info has come out, my family’s behaviour towards us has completely changed. At all family meals/events since, no one puts their hands in their pockets and we are expected to pay the entire bill. Snide remarks are made about how we hid the fact we’re “rolling in it”, and we’ve been guilt tripped about how we should be helping people in the family out who are struggling.

Whilst we do live comfortably, we are far from millionaires. I don’t feel that we are in the position to be supporting family financially, nor should it be expected. It’s getting to the point where spending any time with family is a nightmare as finances are almost always brought up or we’re expected to pay. AIBU in being absolutely sick of this and asking for some advice as to how we handle it?

Snide remarks are made about how we hid the fact we’re “rolling in it”, and we’ve been guilt tripped about how we should be helping people in the family out who are struggling.

id actually call them out on what makes them think were “rolling in it”. Where have they got their info from etc. say thats not the case etc etc. id say its kinda funny since applying for the mortgage that they think this. If it was leaked mortgage person would lose their job etc. Make them squirm as they wont want to drop the mortgage person in it

There’s a difference between being generous and people expecting you to pay for a four course meal for a group just because you have more money than them. OP may be a generous person you don’t know that but to have people expect and take the piss is not ok

I have state pension and a small occupational pension, and we are reasonably fixed. I pay for my mum, who is on pension credit, and my DC who is getting started on a working life, when we go out to eat. Even so, we don't go anywhere swanky.

@InterIgnis It doesn’t matter that the average is less

Yes it does.

OP and her partner aren’t millionaires

If they're not millionaires now, they will be soon. Anyone who doesn't obtain a net worth of £1 million within 10 years or so of having a 200k salary is inept with money.

How does it matter, exactly? OP’s issue is that she and her partner are fielding snide comments from her family and being treated like cash cows. Is that something they’re supposed to just accept for having the audacity to make a decent wage?

It's a reasonable point @shuggles , but it doesn't commit them to funding every family meal.

And you show love through money alone? Or is money the only way to show you care?

It's rather depressing that, all it's about is money.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was, when on holiday last year, we were expected to give my cousin our baby monitor or else buy her one, despite my children being younger and us needing our monitor. Apparently ‘we should go without because we have so much’. I was quite clear that it was not our job to provide for her children, and if she needed a baby monitor then she needed to buy one herself. Cue half the family telling me how selfish we are….

@RomeoRivers thats just awful ☹️

I don’t think you should be pressured to support other family members but given the salaries you earn and the rest of your family don’t, I think you could pick up the bill for a family meal out every now and again with a good grace.

I’d be very tempted to tell mortgage advisor relative that unless they tell everyone that actually they got it wrong and you really don’t earn more than average you will report them for breaking confidentiality.

Otherwise next time you are out with family say ‘I’d love to buy you a drink but due to xx relative being so crap at their job we are on a terrible mortgage deal and broke. Sorry!’

Or just say ‘let’s go somewhere <<in budget>> so that everyone can afford it’

Every now and again, but not every time!

3 times the salary, a massive income tax bill and a heavy mortgage to boot!

It's really not on to expect anyone to pay for you to go to fancy restaurants. Split it fair and square.
That said I wouldn't split if it was just us and mum, but siblings, cousins, niblings, aunts etc split the bill.

People with higher incomes tend to have higher expenses. Bigger house, nice car, nice hobbies, holidays etc.

Do you begrudge someone who has worked hard to earn a nice salary actually spending their own money on the things they like.

If others want more money and fancy meals out they should improve their employment prospects and earning power. Then they can buy themselves nice things without putting their hand out expecting others to fund them.

My dad is the same!!!! I got annoyed when we once went for a meal with my dad and his sister ( my auntie) and she said she wanted to pay for it - he told her not to, that me and dh would … pretty annoying as we had already been paying for all the meals for the past two weeks ( and forever) and akready planned on picking up the tab AND it’s very rude to volunteer someone else and not stick your hand in your own pocket

Why didnt you just pay for what you had then pass it to the next person?

If you paid, more fool you!

I would offer to swap jobs with anyone who criticises you for the money you earn. Also tell them how much tax you pay.

I would be absolutely fucking fuming about the twat relative who spilled your private information.

I'd be so tempted to report them for it. It's a massive breach of privacy.

As for your grasping family, just cut them off. If they want a relationship with you it can't be based on what they can get out of you.

It's one thing to offer to pay for a meal now and again but not if it's expected and assumed.

You need to report the mortgage advisor.

Then I'd be straight with your family. Your money is not theirs to spend or I just wouldn't go out with them again.

I’m cross on your behalf!

If it were me, I think I would make an excuse for the next family meal just to break the habit of you being there and them expecting you to pay. Then for the one after that, I’d reply to the invite and say that you’d love to join however just to set expectation you won’t be paying for their share of the meal in the future and if there is a problem with that to let you know upfront so you can stay away.

I’d also consider speaking to the mortgage advisor relative and let her know how she’s broken your trust on a personal level and GDPR on a professional level and created a really awkward family situation as a result

Agreed

Go to the next such group meal, pay for your own and leave.

Good for them? They're not crying about how much they earn, they're crying about being taken advantage of.

Definitely report the person who gave this info out both to heir employer, their professional body and to the body that’s responsible for GDPR - I think there’s an automatic fine, but if they’re employed by someone you need to complain to them first and let them solve the issues.

massively unprofessional and irresponsible- so much so doubting someone actually qualified would do this. Are you sure they are a legit and qualified mortgage advisor

@TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre People with higher incomes tend to have higher expenses. Bigger house, nice car, nice hobbies, holidays etc.

Those are not "expenses." Those are lifestyle choices. I wish someday, people will stop pretending that lifestyle inflation is an unavoidable consequence of having more money.

Do you begrudge someone who has worked hard to earn a nice salary actually spending their own money on the things they like.

If others want more money and fancy meals out they should improve their employment prospects and earning power. Then they can buy themselves nice things without putting their hand out expecting others to fund them.

You're delusional. Of course I work hard too, as everyone else does. But it's not a simple case of "just go and earn more money." You sound like one of those people who thinks people can just motivate themselves out of being disabled, or just stop being overweight. Being a high earner is often dependent on things outside of our control- such as nepotism/cronyism, or being attractive.

You would have to cut them off because you'd be paying for their kids to go to uni as well at this rate. There's no point acting like cutting them off is an over reaction what they have done is disgusting and this is absolutely the reason why families fall out.