Family expecting us to pay as we’re ‘high earners’

[Spotlightdeck]

DH and I are in our 30s, child-free, living in the city, earning around 100k each. A while ago, we made the mistake of using a family member (mortgage advisor) to arrange a mortgage, resulting in our salaries being shared around my family.

I’m from a small town with low average earnings and the only one in my immediate family earning this much. Since this info has come out, my family’s behaviour towards us has completely changed. At all family meals/events since, no one puts their hands in their pockets and we are expected to pay the entire bill. Snide remarks are made about how we hid the fact we’re “rolling in it”, and we’ve been guilt tripped about how we should be helping people in the family out who are struggling.

Whilst we do live comfortably, we are far from millionaires. I don’t feel that we are in the position to be supporting family financially, nor should it be expected. It’s getting to the point where spending any time with family is a nightmare as finances are almost always brought up or we’re expected to pay. AIBU in being absolutely sick of this and asking for some advice as to how we handle it?

Totally agree, remove yourself until your family can learn to pay their own way. You’ve worked hard and have every right to spend your money how you wish - not on them for every occasion.

As a side note, we’re in a similarly privileged position to you. Our family don’t know how much we earn but know we do alright (as much as you can living in the SE), we’ve never been expected to pay for things like meals out but very much expected to chip in on things (like Christmas food or a BBQ spread that not everyone else is asked to) which we’re happy to do and wouldn’t ask for the favour to be returned when we host.

£100k is not rolling in it. After tax it’s maybe £60k. And those on a lot less are usually topped up with benefits

@Gummybear23 beat me to it. Next meal I would go along with the invitation, send a message that you are running late but not to wait for you, then pull out with an 'emergency' situation. Leave the family to pay for themselves having ordered thinking you will pick up the bill.

But in future I would avoid socialising where there is potential for a joint bill. Suggest a walk instead. If you are invited to future meals, ask in advance how the bill is being split.

How many family members / is it parents, siblings, partners kids etc?

Tell them all to fuck off, starting with the broker who breached GDPR.

I think t depends on who they are really. If it was DPs I might explain that you know it seems a lot but it is all relative and you dont mind paying sometimes but it is hurtful to be put in this situation. If it is siblings (which is what I am betting) I would be more direct - our finances are none of your business, we are not the family bank and we will not be participating in anything else that we are expected to pay for unless it has been explicitly agreed in advance that this is what will happen. I would also contact mortgage advisor, let them know what they have done is a serious breach, you are not going to report now but they ned to be a lot more discrete in future or you will take action.

That is outrageous!! I’d tell everyone that you won’t be attending any more family get togethers as they have made it clear they’re only interested in using you. Also if they wanted to move to London and work their arses off for £100k (which is a lot but in reality doesn’t go far when living down south, as housing is extraordinarily expensive (let’s save the conversation about the sorry state of our housing market for another day)) they are very welcome to.

Report the mortgage adviser to their regulatory body - the financial conduct authority.

These matters are all about context. For example if my salary is £100K and my mum earns £26K then I would definitely pick up the bill and be happy to do so.

It's coincidence absolutely nothing more.

It could the new address, be a flash holiday, a new car or something else that has given away their status.

It's just easy to blame him. Who's probably on a decent income himself and probably not even fussed by it.

My parents are millionaires, but apart from things for Dd (holidays they take her on and toys they buy for their house) they don’t pay for anything.

I think it’s outrageous and would be fucking furious if I was in your position.

If you want more money you earn it, just like the rest of us! I’m a lone parent and have struggled massively in the past, and if I asked my parents would help me out, but why would I want to ask? Everything I have is mine and I worked bloody hard for it.

Don’t give in to sob stories, if there’s no other way people will find a way.

I swear I’ve only seen on Mumsnet couples making “200,000+” a year. Personally if I was on an astronomical salary, yes I would be very generous. But then I earn a fraction of that and I’m very generous and love spoiling my family.

Just tell them how you feel

Plus one for reporting the mortgage advisor. Apart from anything else they might be ignoring the right to confidentiality of other clients.

My mum is a bit like this (in no way as extreme I must stress). Since my dad died in 2017, if we go for a meal she would never ever offer to chip in, say I'll get the first round etc or even enquire about the bill. She doesn't even bring any money. We collect her, pay for her and transport her home - she sometimes says thank you. We were talking about energy bills and my husband was saying to his dad don't be not having the heating on thinking you are saving money and she chipped in - yes don't be saving money to leave to these two, they are very aflluent. Don't get me wrong, we have a decent income - I earn £90k and am oop North so obviously we bought our house for 25p and we would never ask her to pay but she obviously has a chip on her shoulder, I'd be pleased if my child, who didn't go to university, was earning a decent salary, not having a dig.

We are in a similar situation OP and have had to go low contact with a lot of my family as a result. The ridiculous thing is that we did share and pay for a lot of things, but apparently that wasn’t good enough.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was, when on holiday last year, we were expected to give my cousin our baby monitor or else buy her one, despite my children being younger and us needing our monitor. Apparently ‘we should go without because we have so much’. I was quite clear that it was not our job to provide for her children, and if she needed a baby monitor then she needed to buy one herself. Cue half the family telling me how selfish we are….

It’s really sad; I never thought my family would behave like that over money.

Because they're our family and we love them and we can easily afford to

Terrible behaviour from both mortgage advisor and family. Truly entitled !
I think I'd be just sending a message on the family WhatsApp saying that you feel like the family cash machine and it's got to stop

DBIL left the UK to work overseas and was highly successful, and generous, treating family. But now retired, they still look at him to fund everything. Stamp on this quickly.

Presumably your family love and appreciate you? Would you ‘love spoiling’ people who clearly resented you? People who wouldn’t actually appreciate what you did for them, but considered themselves entitled to what you had?

Because that’s what OP is dealing with.

Not read the entire thread so sorry if asked before - but why didn’t you just divide by couples or number of people and say each share is £x amount? Why pay it?

I have vultures like this in my family but we are earning no where as much as you. We live in London too and my family outside of London are always doing this. One would often ask me to book cinema tickets for her as she’s “not very technologically able!” She is, she’s just lying. So I would pay and never paid me back. Everytime she asks now I say I can’t and you can book at the cinema when you go. I know it’s hard but they will just keep taking. They don’t have to go to fancy restaurants, in future go where their budgets will allow and everyone splits the bill

@Spotlightdeck Whilst we do live comfortably, we are far from millionaires.

You live "comfortably"? Reminds me of Prince Andrew saying Epstein's behaviour was "unbecoming."

You and your husband earn more than 3 times the average salary of 30k. Crying about this is a bit ridiculous.

It would certainly explain why so many on this board seem to be completely out of touch.

Yes, they’re comfortable. It doesn’t matter that the average is less - OP and her partner aren’t millionaires, and even if they were they’re in no way obliged to suck up being treated like cash cows by family members nursing massive chips on their shoulders.

So for both my parents and PILs we pay for flights and all expenses when they visit us including days, meals out and some extra spending money. This is in part because we chose to emigrate and they would not be able to afford to if we didn't. And then when we visit them we would pay for any extras like meals out but would always be our idea, none ever suggest something expecting us to pay, and is because we want to treat them and have a nice memorable time together

Then we contribute according to need.

For my DF that in the past has been vet or gas bills. I have also offered to pay for private physio but so far he has refused. For DM who has a higher income she's not needed this but I've done a lot of personal admin type stuff for her. I've also offered to lend her a large sum so she could get a retirement visa but in the end she didn't need to.

For PILs DH and his siblings split costs 1/3 each for any large purchases they need as their pensions cover daily expenses but not say a new appliance. We also bought a new second hand car for ourselves to use when we visit which is there's to use most of the time, which conveniently got rid of the issue of theirs needing replacement.

The genie is out of the bottle and there is no going back. You need to cut those off who were trying to guilt trip you into paying. All of this could have been avoided by the advisor not opening their big fat gob. I would definitely report them as their actions have caused all of this unwanted stress.

Tell them you're not paying and let the cards fall where they may. If they don't want to know you because of that, do you really want to know them? Totally their choice.