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Original poster

My Dh just said I did drugs

137 replies

FeatherBoas · 15/07/2024 20:31

My DH just said I did drugs I never did, the worst was probably a drag on my mum's (stolen) cigarette when I was about ten, I once lit a cigarette for a boy friend while he was driving many years ago. I don't, never did smoke, never have done any illegal drugs, I had friends who did weed, I didn't, I once saw people doing heroin I didn't. I feel really upset why did he say this and when I said I never did he's still saying I did, ridiculous but it seems like he's talking about someone else, he has had a few drinks. We've been together for many years where has this come from? I was in tears with my adult DD.

OP posts:
QuackQuackFuckThat · 15/07/2024 22:20

Bizarre behaviour from your DH. Gaslighting.

What is the rest of your relationship with him like OP?

When we were splitting up, my exH who was abusive claimed my mental health difficulties were because I took drugs…Only he had some kind of amnesia because while I did actually take some drugs in my youth, I hadn’t for over 10 years. He had conveniently forgotten he took way more than me and much more recently. He also forgot that most of the mutual friends to whom he berated about me to had also taken drugs.

Its actually quite funny when I think about the ridiculousness of what he said now.

SavageTomato · 15/07/2024 22:24

I had a "friend' like this. He would get pissed and just talk shit to put people down. He was a bully, essentially. Could be charming, but he knew exactly what he was doing when he did that. And it was nasty.

MillyNair · 15/07/2024 22:28

SoupDragon · 15/07/2024 20:32

Why would this leave you in tears?

frustration at someone lying about you.

Terrribletwos · 15/07/2024 22:30

FeatherBoas · 15/07/2024 21:06

I don't know, if you had someone you are very close to accuse you of something totally untrue would you really be able to just brush it off? Even if they had had a few drinks?

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No, I wouldn't be able to brush it off. People excusing it as just drunk talk ...well no. It's not acceptable and I wouldn't be accepting it. That is a shit way to talk to your partner. No way is it acceptable...people with a drink in them who are normal do not talk this way.

justasking111 · 15/07/2024 22:31

FeatherBoas · 15/07/2024 21:16

He does drink too much but normally OK with it, this was just horrible.

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You shouldn't be okay with this and neither should he.

Edingril · 15/07/2024 22:33

FeatherBoas · 15/07/2024 20:54

May be I'm over reacting, but saying that in front of my DD when it is totally untrue and from someone I do love, is just really painful and where did that thought even come from? He's known me forever and knows, I thought at least, that I never have done any drugs, not even smoked. Just hit me like a brick.

Why? There is seriously something with you if you think this, yes I genuinely would suggest professional help if this is the case

newnamethanks · 15/07/2024 22:35

Maybe you should hold both drink less. Its a drug you know and makes some people aggressive and fall into unnecessary domestic arguments.

GanninHyem · 15/07/2024 22:36

Crying to your adult daughter about this is fucking ridiculous, she deserves better from her parent(s). What a mess the both of you are.

BarryCantSwim · 15/07/2024 22:36

So 2 slightly pissed people. 1 has form and accuses the other of doing drugs. Number 2 gets emotional at the accusation. This is all said in front of DD.

Tell you what the problem is.

Booze.

BarryCantSwim · 15/07/2024 22:38

Are you still under the influence?

Spidey66 · 15/07/2024 22:40

If he drinks a lot, and as you said neither of you are getting any younger, I wonder if it’s the start of an alcohol related dementia.

Wheresthebeach · 15/07/2024 22:41

I suspect your more upset by the bare faced lying than the content of the accusation. You need to have a talk when he’s not drunk or hungover. It’s nasty to make up stuff like that.

Nanaof1 · 15/07/2024 22:41

DollopOfFun · 15/07/2024 20:37

Give it him back. Keep referring to 'when he used to like wearing women's clothes'.

Yep--tell him you can remember when he nicked your black nightie and high heels (or panty and bra...dress, garter belt and stockings...) and he looked so funny!

Then, when he gets mad, tell him that he has dressed up in your clothes as often as you have done drugs.

Or, roll your eyes and tell him he is not a fun drunk, and he can STFU. Then walk away and ignore.

BarryCantSwim · 15/07/2024 22:44

I’m not justifying what he did but the best come back is to say you are pissed and talking shite. Take all credibility from him. You don’t try and argue your way out with a drunk person - especially when you are as well.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 15/07/2024 22:45

Is your DD crying about it too? Are you all pissed? Do none of you have work etc in the morning? 😂

Nanaof1 · 15/07/2024 22:45

Terrribletwos · 15/07/2024 22:30

No, I wouldn't be able to brush it off. People excusing it as just drunk talk ...well no. It's not acceptable and I wouldn't be accepting it. That is a shit way to talk to your partner. No way is it acceptable...people with a drink in them who are normal do not talk this way.

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It's bullying. He's nothing but a two-bit bully who knows what buttons to push, but if it was done to him, hell would rain down. As far as I am concerned, it's a form of abuse.

If my DH had ever done that to me when drunk, I would have been in the bedroom around 5 a.m. with a loud radio and pan lid cymbals, right above his head.

Nanaof1 · 15/07/2024 22:49

FeatherBoas · 15/07/2024 21:16

He does drink too much but normally OK with it, this was just horrible.

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He gets drunk as a skunk and then goes to work the next day? Ick!

BarryCantSwim · 15/07/2024 22:50

Bumblebeestiltskin · 15/07/2024 22:45

Is your DD crying about it too? Are you all pissed? Do none of you have work etc in the morning? 😂

100%

biscuitandcake · 15/07/2024 23:00

FeatherBoas · 15/07/2024 21:50

It's not about doing drugs really it's being accused of something I never did. If I had done I would freely admit it (possibly even be proud of it). It was very common in my youth, most of my friends did something I just didn't, initially probably because I didn't smoke cigarettes so didn't get into weed, too embarrassed to try in public because I didn't know how to smoke! Encountered Heroine in some ones house once when I was quite young just about understood what was going on and ran. That is about my experience with drugs.

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I was going to post that this is the part I would find upsetting but you said it first! I know exactly what you mean. I had a relationship once where my boyfriend was convinced I had once had a thing with a friend before we met. We hadn't. If we had it wouldn't matter because it wasn't cheating. But it was the sense of being accused of lying when I knew I wasn't and worse, said partner feeling he had something over me because "we both knew" the truth. In that case, with the advantage of time, I do think he was not a nice person and actively enjoying putting me in a losing position. Especially around other people. In your partner's case - if he hasn't done this before he might just be drunk and his brain scrambled. If you can talk to him in the morning about it and he can admit he was talking crap that's fine. But it sounds like there are other "communication" issues between you...

Also - any chance he did drugs and is deflecting?

Thelnebriati · 15/07/2024 23:00

Its normal to be upset that someone lies about you, especially if they refuse to believe you when corrected. There are also some negative childhood experiences that can leave you with a strong reaction to injustice.

Ineverlose · 15/07/2024 23:13

I agree it would be horrible if my partner of many years said something about we that Just Wasn’t True and then doubled down on it. I would be furious

pikkumyy77 · 15/07/2024 23:22

FeatherBoas · 15/07/2024 21:30

I think maybe some people on here don't realise how upsetting it is if someone you really care for says something really hurtful, it's easy to say you shouldn't be upset or cry, not so easy to do. If you don't care about the person it's really easy to ignore nasty comments and not be upset or make an equally nasty retort. Thanks for every ones insights. I'm sure it will be better in the morning although I'm not sure I can forgive and forget, for a while yet anyway.

You should STOP CARING about this person. Thats the point we are all making.

Ilovelurchers · 15/07/2024 23:27

I can understand you feel a bit gaslit. And you are getting a bit of a hard time on here, I think because the conversation just sounds strange and we all can't quite imagine it. What was being said before he came out with this? And did you all pursue the conversation? How did it end? Where is he now?

I can see it would be upsetting for him to accuse you of something that you personally feel strongly about and that isn't true. I think people probably feel you should be angry at him rather than tearful. But they are your emotions of course - you are allowed to respond however you respond.....

Hope you are ok. Maybe get some sleep, and see if it's possible to talk to him in the morning. You do need to assert a boundary here I think, even if it's hard. He needs to accept he shouldn't have done this, and undertake not to do it again. And quite possibly quit drinking, if it makes him a total knob!

OnTheBoardwalk · 15/07/2024 23:31

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 15/07/2024 20:44

It can be very disconcerting when someone you love and trust projects a distorted image of you out into the world. Even knowing it's not true, you can still be left shaken by it. You are not being unreasonable.

Another one for this (and I don’t do quoting)

how can you try to reason with something that’s so wrong

DingleDongBellEnd · 15/07/2024 23:32

If he's been drinking I'd drop it completely. Let it go. Don't bring it up again. Don't get into a fight.