My Dh just said I did drugs

[FeatherBoas]

My DH just said I did drugs I never did, the worst was probably a drag on my mum's (stolen) cigarette when I was about ten, I once lit a cigarette for a boy friend while he was driving many years ago. I don't, never did smoke, never have done any illegal drugs, I had friends who did weed, I didn't, I once saw people doing heroin I didn't. I feel really upset why did he say this and when I said I never did he's still saying I did, ridiculous but it seems like he's talking about someone else, he has had a few drinks. We've been together for many years where has this come from? I was in tears with my adult DD.

It reminds me of XH#2, who lied and bullshitted all the time while making me feel 'wrong'. I was so in love such a sucker that I didn't realise the extent or significance of his awfulness until, one day, he made a nasty remark that flew directly against my core values.

It was about not giving anything to charity. Donating is a part of who I am, much as not abusing substances seems to be for OP. It shook me so hard that I woke up to who he is (ironically, because he'd shown he didn't know who I am).

I get it, @FeatherBoas, and I think it'd be a good idea to try and answer some of the wider questions PP have asked.

I think we all understand how upsetting it can be. We just don’t understand how ‘you did drugs’ is a hurtful comment. It’s a bit bizarre, as you haven’t done drugs, but we’re not really understanding why that’s ‘hurtful’.

So, I’m sorry you’re upset, but I don’t really get it.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who gets so drunk he loses control of critical faculties like seriously being unable to tell truth from fiction. Unsafe, unreliable, unattractive. Out.

So he gets nasty when he drinks, and is so pissed on a Monday night that he won’t even remember what he has said tomorrow.

Is this really how you want to live?

It’s not an overreaction. This is supposed to be the person you love, who loves you and you can trust completely.
To me it’s why he’s saying this and how, in what context that it’s important. My exh was an alcoholic and would accuse me of the most vile ( completely untrue) things when he wanted to hurt me.
This could be were it starts OP.

I am interested in people's opinion, that's why I'm asking. In some ways it's good that some people think I am over reacting, it was just such a bolt from the blue, I guess I just needed to see what people thought.

Why is it really hurtful? He's got the wrong end of the stick about something or misremembered something and said it while he's drunk. It's something you can talk about in the morning when you're both sober if you think it's worth setting him straight on.

We're you just sitting quietly when he said it or were you having a conversation at the time?

The bloke who swore blind I was a drug addicted alcoholic (when I'd take paracetamol about three times a year if I had a migraine and had probably drunk three alcoholic drinks in the previous decade) was, unsurprisingly enough, a drug addict and alcoholic trying to deflect away from his behaviour by attacking me.

Mind you, shortly after that, I also became like an alley cat on heat trying to escape the house in order to hookup with multiple strangers if I said I needed to go and buy some milk, according to him, so I guess you'll know where this is going:

He's an alcoholic using the principle of the best form of defence being attack - and making sure it's something where he can screech 'I'm not an addict, you're an addict, everybody knows it' and you'll get upset as he continues to humiliate and accuse you.

He sounds as though he has a serious problem with alcohol. Do you?

I wouldn’t be upset and tearful, I’d be confused and/or annoyed. Mostly annoyed I think.

@FeatherBoas Ask him for specifics, since he is all-knowing.

DH "You did drugs"
"@FeatherBoas "Oh, did I? And when was this? What date? Where? Which drugs? How old was I? You were there, were you, to witness? Have you any evidence? Photos? No?"

I can understand crying with anger if someone is spouting a lie about you, but to be crying upset over something you know is a lie just seems extreme. If you know it's a lie, why let it get to you?

I don’t think you are overreacting @FeatherBoas I think you are under reacting.

Life really is too short for all this tedious alcohol fuelled drama. I wouldn’t be surprised if HE is taking drugs.

Is this how you want your life to play out? And you have children? Being single would be so much better than living with a dickhead like this.

Sounds like classic gaslighting

Presumably because her abstinent choices are so important to OP that she actually remember the two long-past times she took a single drag of a cigarette. She would rightly expect her husband to know this about her.

It's an assault on her core values or, in current parlance, her "identity".

That was pretty nasty to read.

It's not about doing drugs really it's being accused of something I never did. If I had done I would freely admit it (possibly even be proud of it). It was very common in my youth, most of my friends did something I just didn't, initially probably because I didn't smoke cigarettes so didn't get into weed, too embarrassed to try in public because I didn't know how to smoke! Encountered Heroine in some ones house once when I was quite young just about understood what was going on and ran. That is about my experience with drugs.

He's a drunken twit.
Pay him no heed.

My opinion?

He's an alcoholic who knows he is drinking too much and is trying to make out that you are as bad as he is, so he doesn't feel as bad about being dependent on alcohol. His memory problems could be alcohol related as well.

You might love him but he loves drink more than he loves you.

Just my opinion.

hahaha ingenious

All sounds a bit bizarre.

I don't think you're over reacting. Your husband has made a false statement about you in front of your daughter and is insisting its true. You know its false, he knows its false yet is insisting otherwise. That's both disturbing (what mind game is he playing and why?) and incredibly frustrating because you're right and can't get him to accept that. If people haven't been gaslighted like this, they will find it hard to imagine you might cry with frustration.
This behaviour as part of his heavy drinking is a concern OP because it means he's escalated to either not knowing fact from fiction, or to wanting to bully you in this weird way. Either way, it's not a good sign. He needs to stop drinking so much.

It's sounds like his drinking is the problem. He's drunk enough to be talking shit on a Monday night? And drunk enough that you don't think he'll remember what he said tomorrow 😳