To think this is scandalous yet in plain sight because the patriarchy has no shame

[Webjisroommate]

A year ago I separated from my DD’s father and she was in the middle of her first year of nursery. He paid the cms amount every month, without fail. This was 360 a month, even though I was left to pay over 1,300 on nursery fees alone. Obviously the situation has now changed slightly with the hours but his 360 contribution is quite literally nowhere near half her costs. I have spoken about this with other mum friends and have learned that 360 is actually pretty fortunate! Some women are being paid less than 200 and others have to chase cms when their ex is self employed. I was not aware of any of this before having Dd.

My career is now hugely clipped as I am doing 95% of childcare while ex sees her a day a week… the day I use mostly to clean and get the house in order to start the week again. And yes, I suggested 50/50, he didn’t want that.

I honestly feel like this is a huge joke player on women in plain sight while nothing is actually done about it?! I also can’t fathom how HMRC can chase tax from the self employed but Cms can’t chase these men to pay for their children. It’s a disgrace. Why is this allowed to happen?!

Ummm...what?

What exactly are you confused by, @XChrome?

Assuming that all single parents get benefits is a persistent and pernicious mistake. I earn high 30sK. Other than CB I don't get any help from the state. I didn't require childcare, or I would have got help there but it doesn't cover all. In order to earn that salary I obviously work full time which makes juggling everything very difficult and stressful most of the time. @ThisOldThang assertion that the mental load is made up bollocks only goes to show that he doesn't understand either what it is, or how it changes when kids reach school age and the amount of micro management involved there. As they get older mine have had various mental health issues which are utterly draining. I've dealt EBSA and self harm, been formally warned by my employer for missing too much time while trying to handle this and had nothing but carping from ex about how I'm doing it all wrong. His life and mine are worlds apart due to his decision to do and pay the minimum possible.

@BibbleandSqwauk

If you read my last post, you'll see that i was referring to the so-called mental load of remembering to buy food/clothes/shoes/nappies or wash the bedsheets - which were provided as examples of the 'mental load' that men just don't have a clue about.

I'm certainly not belittling the genuinely stressful burdens that parents have to manage.

You don't find it stressful because the mother is helping you.
You are neither a single parent nor an underappreciated woman, and evidently lack imagination, which is why you are not grasping it.

@ThisOldThang

Mental load is a weird one. You’d expect it would be the big things that are the most difficult to deal with, but more often it’s the little things that
get you. The year after my split was hell. I couldn’t pay the mortgage, and had threats of eviction from the bank. I was going through a nightmare custody case after my abusive ex had abducted our kids. My Mum was seriously ill and one of my children had just been diagnosed with autism. I handled all of that. But was the times that we get to school and I’d forgotten to put the lunches in their bags, meaning I’d have to go back and grab them and be late for work, or a burnt dinner or missed appointment that would have me sobbing on the kitchen floor.

You constantly feel like you’re on a really crappy raft on a choppy sea. At any time, the slightest upset can flip it upside down. That’s ‘mental load’.

@Anonym00se yes exactly. Throw in world book day (about which your kids change their mind four times) and the shop you need to get to for X is only open during the working day and the sorting office to pick up the missed delivery from Amazon likewise, a school assembly that your kid really wants you to come too, the day your childminder rings in sick and its you AGAIN that has to take time off as there is no 2nd parent to take a turn. and so on....

I see you and hear you. I remember being in a whirlwind of house repossession, ex threatening me he has MH issues, work being taken over, health issues not related to stress, and breaking down at creche drop off because I forgot it was wear a certain colour day.

I remember talking to a therapist and she said it's like your brain knows you have to release your emotions and it chooses a safe place to crack.

Needless to say all I did was self admonish for not keeping myself together. But I am trying to do what she suggested, how would you talk to your friend going through it.

The mental load to me is the feeling you are the first and last defence for your children in every aspect of their existence accompanied by the same for all of your own life. It's exhausting.

@ThisOldThang are you getting it now? Do you get how totally and utterly different the experience of a single parent is, usually on a limited income to your own? Do you get how what might seem easy to you in your circumstances is a straw that broke the camel's back for a single parent? If your oldest is 5 you haven't yet started dealing with the school dynamic, friendship issues, etc. Hopefully if you do, you can understand why we might feel that 15% income of a largely absent other parent is pretty pathetic and even IF the numbers seem ok, it in no way compensates for all of the stuff that comes with single parenting.

My ex once charmingly lashed out at me that "you don't get paid to parent your own kid", which is true. But I'd quite like to be paid for the parenting of HIS kid, for the 49 % extra I do that he should be doing. I worked it out once using the childminder rate at the time..he ought to be paying me well over 1k a month at childminder rates for HIS HALF of the time. Not my half, but the time he should be there but isn't.

I am a single parent. I've never found that stuff stressful either. It's just basic life

Ok. Good for you.

Well there's something not right if basic stuff causes so much stress

Tell that to the millions of people on antidepressants. It’s called modern life. It’s very stressful for many people. Obviously you’re one in a million if you never feel stressed.

Very helpful 👍

Quite. Stuff gets on top of everyone at some point or another. Can only manage so many balls in the air.

@Gogogo12345 literally no two situations are alike. The type of job you do, the money available to ease certain pressures, eg a cleaner, or a reliable car, the age and temperament and neuro profile of your children, the amount of help you get from the co-parent or other family. Does the school your kid goes to communicate well and in a timely fashion or just spring things on you? Is your employer understanding about absence or lateness or requests to watch the nativity? All these things and countless more will contribute to how one person handles parenting compared to another. Just because you have found it fine does not mean those of us who struggle at times are doing it wrong or could do it better.

You're absolutely right. Women invariably get the shitty end of the stick. Not only financially, but pretty much in every respect.

It isn't just women in this situation! My bro has the same problem with his ex. , who contributes absolutely nothing. ALL exes should be made to pay towards their kids.

@Jaxhog that has been covered previously...we all know that, but given that something like 98% of single parents are women it's not really surprising that these threads tend to focus on the absent fathers. I do t think anyone is suggesting it ought to be different if the NRP is female, they just so rarely are.

Yeah well to cover a few of those bits. Was basically on equivalent of minimum wage, no CM from kids father and he never said aw them except once in a blue moon .School had a habit of dropping " needs" the night before

Couldn't generally go watching nativity etc ( thank heavens )

Drove old banger and did my own cleaning. Bought lots of stuff secondhand

And 2 kids that's argued and fought every time they were together

Still wasn't particularly stressful. Mins you I was brought up with the motto " Life can be shit. Either sort it or put up and don't whinge"

I call bullshit on you never being stressed. Not possible. Everybody gets stressed. Why are you lying?

@Gogogo12345 I’m not saying you’re a psychopath, but psychopaths for example don’t feel stress. It’s dependent on your particular brain chemistry, not a moral strength. If you don’t feel stress, you’re the outlier.

More likely it's just a contrarian who tries to use false claims about his/her life to "prove" people wrong. Their numbers are legion, unfortunately.

"I call bullshit on you never being stressed. Not possible. Everybody gets stressed. Why are you lying?"

@Gogogo12345 said they didn't get stressed by basic life tasks such as food shopping or laundry. They haven't claimed that they never, at any point in time, got stressed by other things.

Sigh. Everybody knows that. Why can't women ever have a discussion about our experiences without somebody pointing out it also happens (much more rarely) to men, or that NAMALT?
Do you suppose men, on a site meant for dads, have people barging into their threads to do this?