9 year old saying I look pregnant

[Messageinathrottle]

I've got 3 kids and while I'm generally slim all over, I do have a little pot belly and I'm also on my period.

I was sitting down and my 9 year old said 'when you sit down you look pregnant!'. Now, as a teenager, my parents (dad in particular) commented on my weight all the time. My son has made comments about my weight in the past, and I spoke to him about never commenting on anyone's appearance. Neither me nor my husband ever discuss anyone's appearance either to them or behind their back and for me it's just a no-no.

My son said it as I was just sitting having a cup of tea and I said 'oh right, thanks'. He said he didn't mean anything by it and I felt like I'd gone back in time to my dad telling me I need to lose weight. I remember the feeling of just living, just existing in my home watching TV or reading a book and having some kind of comment directed at me. I left the room and then asked my son for a word.

I calmly told him that it's unkind to comment on anyone's body, that 3 pregnancies have left me with a bit of a tummy but it hurt my feelings. My son started to cry and said sorry. We hugged it out and it was over in about 2 minutes but did I over react?

I don't know if it's just a sore spot for me or if anyone else would have just laughed it off? I didn't think it was funny but I don't think my son meant to be mean. Should I have just ignored it or have I actually created an issue of projecting my issues onto him? I don't want to be hyper sensitive mother who requires everyone to tip toe around her, either.

So, wibu to speak to him about it? Commenting on people's weight was so normal in my house that I really don't know.

Haha he asked me can we have another baby a few days ago and I said definitely not 😀

But you made too big a thing about it calling him out of the room like he'd been called to the Head's office.

When reading through the whole thread, it's all about your past treatment etc and how it's all still triggering for you now.

He may well not be the last person who thinks you look pregnant, or asks if you are.

I've been asked twice in the past because I was skinny with a small belly.

It stung a bit but I couldn't argue that I did indeed look pregnant, so I think you'd do well to try and work this through for your own sake.

Otherwise it could well be 'triggering' again in future.

This.

Crying because you feel bad for upsetting someone is the appropriate reaction.

If you didn't tell him, how is he supposed to learn.

You did the right thing OP.

I think you did well.

It was not his fault that you were so upset but you were. He meant no real harm but still did something he knew not to.

You sorted it out and now everything is fine. He now knows why he shouldn't say those things.

Well done.

Yep.

I'm sure we all know people who blurt out things without thinking/caring the impact it will have on the person they're saying it to. Most people don't like people like that.

You've done your son a favour OP.

Bit of an over-reaction but you calmed the situation down well.

I'd leave your hurt feelings out of it next time, as it's not his fault you felt hurt. Just tell him it's impolite to say personal things about body shape like that (it wasn't an unkind or negative comment from him). Then explain that some women's tummies don't go back to being flat after having babies. Don't say all women in case he starts thinking of mums with tummies that have gone back to normal! You could explain the muscles get stretched apart when baby grows and sometimes don't fully close.

Learning what is and is not acceptable to say about another person's appearance is an important lesson. This may prevent him from putting his foot in his mouth with others who would be less forgiving.

Regarding "making someone cry", feeling sad and crying isn't the end of the world if it's not happening all the time. It's a normal part of life. He felt bad about making someone else feel bad. OP explained that his comment wasn't polite or kind, he felt sorry, she's accepted his apology, and they can now move on and leave this in the past. I wouldn't think any more about it, really.

I really understand why you were upset, given your childhood experiences.
I don't think you over reacted.
I think it was important to explain to your son how thoughtless comments can really hurt people's feelings.
I think you handled things well OP.

Despite the avalanche of opinions you get here there's rarely a clear right way to deal with this sort of stuff, parents are humans too and we can all be triggered, I have similar situations with my children. What you've done here is important though, you were honest and said you were hurt but you also showed that just because he unintentionally hurt you a little, you still love him and he doesn't have to be perfect, literally sounds like the opposite of what you were taught be your parents. That's a big step to dial back in one generation OP, be the person you needed when you were young, the fact that you are analysing and questioning your actions shows what a lovely mum you are. Also what we teach in my house is appearances are not something to joke or tease about but also they are just a tiny part of who someone is and nothing to do with their worth as a person.

I have had multiple adults ask me and I wish they had been informed as children that you don't ask. Yes, diastasis recti and gaining weight mean I do look pregnant, but I don't need reminder!

I think this is a you problem and you’ve made him feel guilty for an innocent comment. He’s a child. It sounds like you have issues from your own childhood that affected your reaction so maybe try to work through those.

I also think you could give your children issues with self image if you are this sensitive. Instead of showing upset, perhaps “I love my body because it gave me you” would have shown that it’s okay not to look ‘perfect’.

I think from what OP has described it’s a ‘her parents’ problem, not a ‘her’ problem, and they are the ones who need to work through their issues. Poking their adult child in the belly and saying ‘porky’? I hope they are good parents in other respects but that is fucked up behaviour and I’m really sorry you have to deal with it, OP. Have you tried telling them firmly not to treat you like that? Honestly instead of making a fuss about your perfectly reasonable and appropriate conversation with your son, it would be more reasonable for some PP to worry about whether your parents are going to start in on him about his weight and body shape as he gets older, as if they do he will realise pretty quickly why you got upset.

I am so, so co scious of burdening my son with my emotional issues and this was done to me on a massive scale, which is why I wanted opinions. At the same time, I don't want my kids to go pointing and making comments about how people look (and not in a flattering manner). I think I'll be less reactive of it happens again and will have a more laissez faire attitude but still reinforce things you keep in your brain vs things you say out loud.

I went into him at bedtime and he was sitting listening to a Horrid Henry audio book, sorting out his Pokemon cards and he just looked so sweet. I told him I loved him and he told me the same, and we had another hug. It's all forgotten about now but I'm glad I've had a chance to reflect on it and not get so triggered if it happens again.

Brilliantly handled. It's ok for him to gently learn mum is human and has feelings and it's unkind to critique other people's bodies.

He clearly didn't realise that it was a critique and you've taught him today the difference between an uplifting comment and an unnecessary criticism. It's not like you shamed him publicly or wept and rent your clothes, you calmly took him to the side. If you'd let it slide, however innocent, he'll grow up thinking it's normal to comment on his friends', his girlfriends', his wife's bodies. You've parented well today.

My parents are unbelievably padded remarkable and being overweight is an absolute crime, in their eyes. We visited them at Christmas and my mother asked my daughter if she wanted 'a fat mummy' as I said I'd have another helping of the dessert. My daughter (5) just looked at her totally bemused. I didn't say anything as I felt so shocked. A while ago I gained a good bit of weight and my father asked how my husband felt about it. My dad recently asked what I weigh these days as I'm looking very well, so it's shoehorned into everything, criticism and compliments. I think it's very important that people don't make comments about other people's bodies, and I do think that needs to be taught in childhood.

Gosh thank you!

You need to get really firm with your parents that it’s not ok to speak to you like that, and particularly in front of your children, and particularly in front of your daughter.

I'm very low contact with them now thankfully.

Yeah obviously it’s come from the OP’s parents.

Feeling guilty when you've accidentally hurt someone's feelings is ok and part of how you learn to care about other people.

It doesn't help children to protect them from ever feeling negative emotions.

From what you have posted it seems likely that he understands not to make negative comments. Im wondering if he thought looking pregnant was a positive comment? As we often go on about pregnant women looking beautiful, lovely baby bump, etc. He didn’t say you looked fat or have ugly hair both of which are obviously negative/critical comments. Perhaps he’s just missed the subtlety that looking pregnant is only good when you actually are!

Yes I did think about that afterwards; how being told you look pregnant isn't a compliment if you're not! I decided not to go back over it but he prob didn't understand at the time.

I understand why you reacted the way you did, as it was a particular sore spot for you and I'm so sorry it took you to a bad place. But it sounded like an innocent comment on his part, and that previously he didn't see your tummy as a bad thing or a negative. Now he might. And that might cause him to look at other bodies, including his own, in a different light.

He’ll be getting messages about body image from all over the place - including his grandparents, from the sound of it - and pretty much every time he watches TV or film or advertising, implicitly if not explicitly as it’s made clear who the ‘attractive’ people are.