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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be friends with this couple?

124 replies

WanOvaryKenobi · 15/07/2024 13:38

I will keep the details to the bare essentials, please feel free to ask for more.

DH and I have a system where we do not control who the other person sees but we don't force each other to spend time with people we don't want to. So far this has worked well.

A few years ago I got a bit fed up with one of his friends. Nothing dramatic, just one of these "this time next year I'll be a millionaire" types that will drone on at you for hours about his latest business venture but will of course do no actual work for it. Have seen DH waste 100s of hours and 1000s of £s to help him. Friend does nothing, gets bored, moves on to something else, rinse repeat and he's exactly where he has been for the last 10 years.

A few years ago he met someone, quite a lot of red flags. After only dating a few months she didn't let said friend, who was the best man, go on the stag do as she is controlling. I have organised another big event where the two of them caused a bit of drama and then never showed up. I invited them then, but after that stopped making an effort. There's been a few other problems she has caused within the wider friend group due to her being jealous of other partners.

Recently this friend is struggling with his mental health. They've had two kids back to back and he now recently has a job. She's unhappy about this, screams at him until he overdoses, won't let him wear deodorant after work, checks his phone, and won't let him see any friends alone. She screams in front of the babies and her older child from a previous relationship. Friend has decided that we should all be friends as, to quote, we could "teach her how to behave so she can see life doesn't have to be this way" and so she can "see what nice normal couples are like".

I'm pissed off as I don't want to be involved with these people, their lifestyles, their kids, etc and I'm annoyed DH didn't nip this in the bud. DH thinks I should have made an effort. I don't think it's our responsibility as we have enough on our plate and nobody bothered to ask if I was interested before this idea gained traction.

AIBU?

OP posts:
PetulantPenguin · 15/07/2024 13:40

Fuck that! They souund awful, I'd be avoiding them like the plague

Mrsjayy · 15/07/2024 13:41

They/he sound an absolute nightmare I wouldn't want them in my life either, your husband can if he wants to be embroiled in the drama but you tried and it just causes grief.

Rainydaydreamer · 15/07/2024 13:42

Not your job to fix them . Step away and don't give them any money either .

Seas164 · 15/07/2024 13:43

No, you are not a rehab service. They are not friends. I would continue to steer very clear and make it permanent.

cheddercherry · 15/07/2024 13:43

I’d probably not want to be around my husband if he was continually wasting £1000s on people like this either…

AlisonDonut · 15/07/2024 13:44

Yeah no. Don't do it.

vincettenoir · 15/07/2024 13:45

No way. Tbh even if you were super self sacrificing and started spending time with her just for the benefit of her dp you would not have ANY influence over her fucked-up attachment style. That could only come from her.

LuckyOnes · 15/07/2024 13:46

You're not a rehab service for troubled couples. And how utterly bizarre for your DH's friend to be telling you and your husband that you need to teach his partner and the mother of his children 'how to behave', while he overdoses and struggles with his MH.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/07/2024 13:48

It won't rehabilitate them. It will give them the impression it's all OK because everyone is acting fine around them.

Report anything abusive in front of the children. A visit from SS will do more than your DH's mad modeling idea.

spilltheteapot · 15/07/2024 13:49

I’d trust your gut and stay as far away from them as possible.

Ygfrhj · 15/07/2024 13:51

She sounds abusive. I hope your DH can be there for his friend if/when he is able to leave.

Doesn't mean you have to spend time with them.

Original poster
WanOvaryKenobi · 15/07/2024 13:53

PetulantPenguin · 15/07/2024 13:40

Fuck that! They souund awful, I'd be avoiding them like the plague

I have been! DH is making me feel like I'm doing something wrong by having a really deep gut feeling that these are not people I want in my life!

OP posts:
Original poster
WanOvaryKenobi · 15/07/2024 13:56

Mrsjayy · 15/07/2024 13:41

They/he sound an absolute nightmare I wouldn't want them in my life either, your husband can if he wants to be embroiled in the drama but you tried and it just causes grief.

I have suggested that to him. If anything he had a word with his friend that she needed help and since then his friend hasn't managed to arrange anything where they will be alone together. It feels controlling again and that if I'm there it would be to "cover" for her. DH has no desire to be friends with both of them, but he has been pushing for this "couples and kids together". Which as we are going through fertility treatment and work stress I really don't want to be around babies (especially in that environment and especially when they have both been on the dole screaming at each other- it's just not nice!).

OP posts:
vincettenoir · 15/07/2024 13:57

I think your dp is coming from a place of deep concern for his friend. I would empathise with that but be clear that it does not follow you have to spend time with a very troubled woman you don’t even really know. As you say, you are not stopping his involvement with them.

Original poster
WanOvaryKenobi · 15/07/2024 13:57

I've been quite firm with that.

OP posts:
Original poster
WanOvaryKenobi · 15/07/2024 13:58

LuckyOnes · 15/07/2024 13:46

You're not a rehab service for troubled couples. And how utterly bizarre for your DH's friend to be telling you and your husband that you need to teach his partner and the mother of his children 'how to behave', while he overdoses and struggles with his MH.

It's like Ken Loach crossed with My Fair Lady

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 15/07/2024 13:58

screams at him until he overdoses

What did you mean here?

Original poster
WanOvaryKenobi · 15/07/2024 14:00

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/07/2024 13:48

It won't rehabilitate them. It will give them the impression it's all OK because everyone is acting fine around them.

Report anything abusive in front of the children. A visit from SS will do more than your DH's mad modeling idea.

This! I almost feel like the best thing for them is to realise is that if they want to "be around nice normal couples" (the friend's quite again) they should be one!

OP posts:
Singersong · 15/07/2024 14:07

Why is your DH giving him so much money?

Boreded · 15/07/2024 14:11

WanOvaryKenobi · 15/07/2024 13:38

I will keep the details to the bare essentials, please feel free to ask for more.

DH and I have a system where we do not control who the other person sees but we don't force each other to spend time with people we don't want to. So far this has worked well.

A few years ago I got a bit fed up with one of his friends. Nothing dramatic, just one of these "this time next year I'll be a millionaire" types that will drone on at you for hours about his latest business venture but will of course do no actual work for it. Have seen DH waste 100s of hours and 1000s of £s to help him. Friend does nothing, gets bored, moves on to something else, rinse repeat and he's exactly where he has been for the last 10 years.

A few years ago he met someone, quite a lot of red flags. After only dating a few months she didn't let said friend, who was the best man, go on the stag do as she is controlling. I have organised another big event where the two of them caused a bit of drama and then never showed up. I invited them then, but after that stopped making an effort. There's been a few other problems she has caused within the wider friend group due to her being jealous of other partners.

Recently this friend is struggling with his mental health. They've had two kids back to back and he now recently has a job. She's unhappy about this, screams at him until he overdoses, won't let him wear deodorant after work, checks his phone, and won't let him see any friends alone. She screams in front of the babies and her older child from a previous relationship. Friend has decided that we should all be friends as, to quote, we could "teach her how to behave so she can see life doesn't have to be this way" and so she can "see what nice normal couples are like".

I'm pissed off as I don't want to be involved with these people, their lifestyles, their kids, etc and I'm annoyed DH didn't nip this in the bud. DH thinks I should have made an effort. I don't think it's our responsibility as we have enough on our plate and nobody bothered to ask if I was interested before this idea gained traction.

AIBU?

You need to help him find his safe place and get out. I’d keep her close for this exact reason

spicysamosahotcupoftea · 15/07/2024 14:15

She doesn't let him wear deodorant??

Original poster
WanOvaryKenobi · 15/07/2024 14:18

Crunchymum · 15/07/2024 13:58

screams at him until he overdoses

What did you mean here?

He comes home from work. She screams at him and follows him around the house. At least twice he has run into the bathroom to take an overdose so she will stop. He then vomits it up. This is happening in a two bed flat with three children (one is 9, 2 under 2).

OP posts:
Lincoln24 · 15/07/2024 14:19

I agree with pp, she sounds very abusive. I'd encourage your DH to be there for him but there's no need for you to see her.

Do you think it's possible she is trying to isolate him by insisting your friend only sees his friends with her present?

Original poster
WanOvaryKenobi · 15/07/2024 14:19

spicysamosahotcupoftea · 15/07/2024 14:15

She doesn't let him wear deodorant??

No, she doesn't let him wear deodorant. Or take any spare clothes to work.

OP posts:
Original poster
WanOvaryKenobi · 15/07/2024 14:21

Lincoln24 · 15/07/2024 14:19

I agree with pp, she sounds very abusive. I'd encourage your DH to be there for him but there's no need for you to see her.

Do you think it's possible she is trying to isolate him by insisting your friend only sees his friends with her present?

I have never made it difficult for DH to see his friend. I know the two of them had a private chat and friend said his girlfriend needed help.

Since then, there has never been a single occasion where the friend has been able to meet alone. So I am absolutely convinced that this is further isolation and as I said before that I would be there for "cover".

OP posts:
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