To not want to be friends with this couple?

[WanOvaryKenobi]

I will keep the details to the bare essentials, please feel free to ask for more.

DH and I have a system where we do not control who the other person sees but we don't force each other to spend time with people we don't want to. So far this has worked well.

A few years ago I got a bit fed up with one of his friends. Nothing dramatic, just one of these "this time next year I'll be a millionaire" types that will drone on at you for hours about his latest business venture but will of course do no actual work for it. Have seen DH waste 100s of hours and 1000s of £s to help him. Friend does nothing, gets bored, moves on to something else, rinse repeat and he's exactly where he has been for the last 10 years.

A few years ago he met someone, quite a lot of red flags. After only dating a few months she didn't let said friend, who was the best man, go on the stag do as she is controlling. I have organised another big event where the two of them caused a bit of drama and then never showed up. I invited them then, but after that stopped making an effort. There's been a few other problems she has caused within the wider friend group due to her being jealous of other partners.

Recently this friend is struggling with his mental health. They've had two kids back to back and he now recently has a job. She's unhappy about this, screams at him until he overdoses, won't let him wear deodorant after work, checks his phone, and won't let him see any friends alone. She screams in front of the babies and her older child from a previous relationship. Friend has decided that we should all be friends as, to quote, we could "teach her how to behave so she can see life doesn't have to be this way" and so she can "see what nice normal couples are like".

I'm pissed off as I don't want to be involved with these people, their lifestyles, their kids, etc and I'm annoyed DH didn't nip this in the bud. DH thinks I should have made an effort. I don't think it's our responsibility as we have enough on our plate and nobody bothered to ask if I was interested before this idea gained traction.

AIBU?

Your DH has terrible judgement, and it is showing here. Friend is in an abusive relationship and the dynamic is toxic. I witnessed my own mother take a 'fake overdose' when I was around 9 and it has scarred me for life.

Report to SS. That's actually the best thing you can do here. Then support the friend to seek custody of his DCs.

…why?

She sounds controlling and he sounds manipulative.

You and your Dh are being told that the children are being dragged up in this abusive situation but neither of you want to contact social services to help the dc? You are just as bad.

Your DH and this guy seem very enmeshed - what hold does he have over your DH? Is your DH usually a fixer?

Stay well clear of "D" friend!

Perhaps it hasn't occurred to your DH that enabling this situation is actually doing his friend the gravest disservice ever. Were he actually able to feel the full consequences of his decision to remain in this relationship then this would be a far faster track to his ending it.

If you suspect their children are being exposed to an abusive situation then the only real thing you can do is report this. Your DH is not helping his friend by giving him money, especially such large sums as this, as this is tantamount to putting a sticking plaster on this festering relationship. You're also quite entitled to nix this if it's coming out of your household finances.

Trust your instincts and steer well clear.

This. He may not know it but he is enabling. This may be a dealbreaker between you and DH but you know what you have to do....

If you have any resources I can use to convince my DH that we need to report them I would be extremely grateful. DH has explicitly told me that I am being judgemental for thinking they are child abusers due to their relationship and lifestyle.

This has been an ongoing issue with this friend. He always wants hand outs whether from his mates or the state and doesn't ever seem to understand that his life is the way it is because of poor choices.

He is being abused and this is not something that can be sorted with seeing ‘normal couples’. He needs support and so do the children.

you should still report them whether or not DH agrees....as I said it may be a dealbreaker.

Why is this burden on OP and not her husband?

Because it's wummins werk in't it?

In case he wants to shag someone else, keeping him smelly and dirty.

Infuriating.

You don’t need to convince him your husband that they need reporting. You can just do it. If you think you need your dh’s agreement or permission to do something, you are also in a controlling relationship. He sounds rather overbearing himself.

You don’t need to convince him. You’re an adult aware of children in an abusive situation. You need to report it to social services. You know those news articles where something terrible happens to a child and everyone wonders why adults that knew did nothing? This is why. Do something.

And you’re right to not be involved in any other way.

Bingo. It's to ruin his confidence and make him self conscious.

If your husband always such a wet lettuce? I realise that he is trying to help his friend in his own bonkers way, but he's actually enabling their behaviour by normalising it and refusing to involve the appropriate authorities.
This is seriously dangerous for their poor children and your husband's friend. How is your husband going to feel if his pal actually follows through with an overdose?
I'd be going behind my husband's back today and reporting to social services. The NSPCC can offer you free advice.

If you think the children are neglected and are concerned you can report through .Nspcc/RSspcc (children1st) or your local authority children's services anonymously .

I've no idea what is wrong with people that they are so insecure!

I don't have any evidence of abuse or neglect, only what their relationship is like.

You don't have to do anything really was just if you wanted to report them.

Because OPs husband should be helping his friend to get out of the situation but he can't seem to see the problem and is enabling.

And how does this make him any better than her? Super manipulative.
You are getting your info from you dh who heard it from his friend, is that right?
Hmmm. Not sure I'd be taking it as gospel 🤷‍♀️

you don't need evidence to express anonymously the same concerns you have expressed on here.