To not want to be friends with this couple?

[WanOvaryKenobi]

I will keep the details to the bare essentials, please feel free to ask for more.

DH and I have a system where we do not control who the other person sees but we don't force each other to spend time with people we don't want to. So far this has worked well.

A few years ago I got a bit fed up with one of his friends. Nothing dramatic, just one of these "this time next year I'll be a millionaire" types that will drone on at you for hours about his latest business venture but will of course do no actual work for it. Have seen DH waste 100s of hours and 1000s of £s to help him. Friend does nothing, gets bored, moves on to something else, rinse repeat and he's exactly where he has been for the last 10 years.

A few years ago he met someone, quite a lot of red flags. After only dating a few months she didn't let said friend, who was the best man, go on the stag do as she is controlling. I have organised another big event where the two of them caused a bit of drama and then never showed up. I invited them then, but after that stopped making an effort. There's been a few other problems she has caused within the wider friend group due to her being jealous of other partners.

Recently this friend is struggling with his mental health. They've had two kids back to back and he now recently has a job. She's unhappy about this, screams at him until he overdoses, won't let him wear deodorant after work, checks his phone, and won't let him see any friends alone. She screams in front of the babies and her older child from a previous relationship. Friend has decided that we should all be friends as, to quote, we could "teach her how to behave so she can see life doesn't have to be this way" and so she can "see what nice normal couples are like".

I'm pissed off as I don't want to be involved with these people, their lifestyles, their kids, etc and I'm annoyed DH didn't nip this in the bud. DH thinks I should have made an effort. I don't think it's our responsibility as we have enough on our plate and nobody bothered to ask if I was interested before this idea gained traction.

AIBU?

First of all, screaming and suicide attempts while the kids are there is absolutely child abuse and you must report to social services. It doesn't matter what your husband thinks - clearly he is utterly clueless.

Secondly, I'd be rethinking getting pregnant to your husband if this is his level of emotional intelligence. It is unacceptable of him to overlook child abuse and enable his friend's toxic behaviour. I wouldn't trust him with children.

Thirdly, I'd be making it clear that you don't want these people in your life and the fact that he continues to be so enmeshed with them is making you wonder about the future of your relationship. Do you actually want to keep living like this, OP?

" Other people can bring the drama....you are not obliged to stay for the performance "

@WanOvaryKenobi

Step one is to tell your DH 'firmly but finally' that you have no intention of being around this couple. That you are not a 'life coach' nor an 'example setter'. And that he is NOT to raise this issue with you ever again.

Step two is to report this couple to the relevant authority. Tell them the situation simply and fully. It will be up to that authority to take it from there.

Step three is to then let it go, knowing you've done what you can.

I will say that if I knew one of my DH's friends was subjecting their children to such behaviour and DH 'told' me not to report it, I'd give him a flea in his ear and do it anyway. If DH didn't like it he'd just have to lump it because I know that protecting a child is more important than his hurt feelings. But then again, my DH usually doesn't try to tell me what to do, nor do I tell him. Maybe telling the authorities would give your DH the wake up call he needs to realize that this is a toxic friendship in the first place.

If I try, I can kinda understand husband being worried that the kids will be taken away from the friend. But what's his excuse for the multiple suicide attempts? If my friend had tried to kill themselves multiple times I would not be thinking of double dates to sort it out. I'd be having a huge fight with them about getting help. Like "overdose, not cool bro. How about dinner at the Ivy eith the missus on tue?"

I hadn't thought that his resistance to report is out of genuine fear of the kids getting taken away, rather than because he thinks I am overreacting or being judgemental. Which is a bit horrifying as I would hope he would want what is best for the kids. And it clearly isn't this environment, right?

I agree with all of this.

I agree, his behaviour and his strange devotion to this friend are worrying. You’re undergoing fertility treatment and he’s giving the friend thousands of pounds, trying to make you socialise with friend and his abusive GF, and telling you not to criticise him in any way. He’s pretty much putting the friend before his marriage.

I’d be extremely concerned that when you have children he’d take them to see this friend and the GF if she’s still around, or the next one if she isn’t. There’s no way I’d risk that. It would be time for an ultimatum. No more giving friend money, the abuse will be reported to SS, he only sees friend alone if he insists on keeping this friendship, and he has to accept that you and your future children will keep away from him. If he wants to be a father he needs to understand that he needs to put his wife and children first.

Then do it. What have you got to lose? And frankly, if you're afraid of your DH's reaction, then possibly you need to look at your own relationship dynamics.

I'm not trying to say or insinuate anything. Obvs none of like to upset our spouses/partners. But sometimes we simply have to follow our principles over what they think we should or should not do. In those cases, they should be able to accept our decision and voice any objections calmly. And then both parties should drop it and never bring it up again.

Tell your husband you don't want to be around this couple as they stress you out and as you are having fertility treatment you need to be calm .

As others have said. This poor guy need as many friends he can get. If you can't suck up his annoying ways leave it to your fella.
But personally I'd like to view the witch in action and have a go at least of putting her right

It appears you and dh do not have a system where one doesn't control who the other sees...

I feel sorry for the children who are caught up in all this toxicity

My ability to put her right is contingent on her ability to feel any shame. And I'm not convinced she is capable of that. What is she going to do? Suddenly admit that she has fundamentally failed her children, is abusive and twisted, and has nothing to offer anyone apart from getting knocked up by the next feckless waster?

I think that would be very hard to admit.

Are you going to have a difficult conversation with your DH?

Not least about the money. He's taking away from his current and future family

Had it today actually.

Think your DH should advise this guy to throw her out the door or leave himself. She sounds an absolute nightmare. If he was behaving like this everyone would tell her to leave. Same applies if the women is the control freak. Remember Tracey Andrews!

I’m sorry but how can you both think it is NOT some form of child abuse to have a really bad row, take an overdose & then puke it up IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN.

Making the children stay in this chaotic & violent environment is not good for them.

In this situation you absolutely need to be judgemental and report them.

I agree with everything here.

This a moral dilemma, you have been made aware of abuse and the person in the better position to intervene (DH) is refusing. You have to do something regardless of consequences because it is the right thing to do. If this man successfully kills himself DH will have to live with the guilt of his lack of action, he needs to understand that.

That poor poor man, I hope he gets help.

Any update since you made the call OP? What's DHs position now?

If that's true, it's terrifying

If you're concerned for his / the children's welfare, you could report to social work / police

Have seen DH waste 100s of hours and 1000s of £s to help him.

Your DH has given this man thousands of pounds?! That’s crazy-I wouldn’t want anything to do with them. You can’t fix
this.

All of this x10,000

Your husband doesn't sound like a good bet as a prospective co-parent.

Report the abuse, for god's sake.

Hope it went well. Your DH needs to realize that this toxic friendship (not to mention the wife) affects more than just him.

It's clear he's in an abusive relationship (the woman is the abuser). He clearly needs help / safe space for both himself and the children. I'd be inclined to contact social services. Maybe look at Refuge too, they might have contacts for such situations. But the poor guy / children need help.

What happened?