To not want to be friends with this couple?

[WanOvaryKenobi]

I will keep the details to the bare essentials, please feel free to ask for more.

DH and I have a system where we do not control who the other person sees but we don't force each other to spend time with people we don't want to. So far this has worked well.

A few years ago I got a bit fed up with one of his friends. Nothing dramatic, just one of these "this time next year I'll be a millionaire" types that will drone on at you for hours about his latest business venture but will of course do no actual work for it. Have seen DH waste 100s of hours and 1000s of £s to help him. Friend does nothing, gets bored, moves on to something else, rinse repeat and he's exactly where he has been for the last 10 years.

A few years ago he met someone, quite a lot of red flags. After only dating a few months she didn't let said friend, who was the best man, go on the stag do as she is controlling. I have organised another big event where the two of them caused a bit of drama and then never showed up. I invited them then, but after that stopped making an effort. There's been a few other problems she has caused within the wider friend group due to her being jealous of other partners.

Recently this friend is struggling with his mental health. They've had two kids back to back and he now recently has a job. She's unhappy about this, screams at him until he overdoses, won't let him wear deodorant after work, checks his phone, and won't let him see any friends alone. She screams in front of the babies and her older child from a previous relationship. Friend has decided that we should all be friends as, to quote, we could "teach her how to behave so she can see life doesn't have to be this way" and so she can "see what nice normal couples are like".

I'm pissed off as I don't want to be involved with these people, their lifestyles, their kids, etc and I'm annoyed DH didn't nip this in the bud. DH thinks I should have made an effort. I don't think it's our responsibility as we have enough on our plate and nobody bothered to ask if I was interested before this idea gained traction.

AIBU?

I'd love to hear from the 2% who voted YABU...this one seems like a no brainer surely?!

YANBU OP!

He's being abused.

I can see why your husband is worried. As would you be if it were a friend of yours?

They need social services, not a friend's press ganged wife.

agree with this, social services should be alerted as there are young children caught up in this unhealthy behaviour - ie the overdosing scenarios.

He's in an abusive relationship and has tried to commit suicide several times while his kids are at home? They need intervention from medical professionals and social services.

DH should be advising his friend to get a lawyer and try and get custody of his children.

Bringing you into it is a desperate attempt to find another woman to offload the mental load on to and the forced friendship attempt is like sticking a plaster on an earthquake rift.

He won't leave her as "within a few months she'll have someone else moved in that my kids would be calling dad". I can't really argue against this as she moved out previous baby daddy to move him in.

I agree with PP that this situation isn't something you and your DH can solve with good intentions. If anything dysfunction and misery tend to flow towards people the that get involved. I'd be messaging social services from what you've told me.

I agree. IF this is real.

op If one of your female friends was in an abusive relationship would you want to help her?
For whatever reason, your DH is friends with this bloke, and he is being abused by this woman. It sounds like he needs DH’s support. I understand you don’t want to get involved but the poor bloke needs help, not to mention the kids.

My poor brother was in an abusive relationship, they lived away so we didn’t know for the longest time. He has finally managed to escape, but he is a broken man and has attempted suicide, thankfully ambulance crew got to him in time but it was touch and go.

OP, this 100% should be reported to SS.
He has attempted to OD because of her abuse and they have children.

As for yourself, you need protecting too.
Why is there an attempt to bully you to be around a totally toxic environment?

You should only have had to say it once to your husband.

Tell your husband to back off and not mention either of them to you again.
If he doesn't respect this, rethink your own situation.

Yes I would be. I also wouldn't expect my husband to be mates with someone abusing my friend.

just report them for child abuse/neglect and stay well away. Crazy people like that shouldn’t be allowed to be parents.

I agree that social services need to be aware of this shitshow. All 3 children are at risk and need to be protected.

He's been on the dole for years and they are not married. I'm not sure what resources he has for this. They have a council house together so I'm not even sure how it would work or if he and the kids have anywhere to go. Also he will not leave her as "within a few months she will move in someone else".

For all those suggesting social services I would like to but my husband is very much against it, and I imagine it would come back to us because of what we know/would report.

This. If the sexes were reversed I think some of the responses would be different. This man needs help. Can your DH give him some contact numbers for male domestic abuse charities such as ManKind?

He needs to protect himself and his children.

Does your dh not realise that these are young children and the parents need to be reported?

Your DH is not making good choices in terms of his friendships. He has allowed himself to lose thousands in support of failed business ventures and now has you getting embroiled in someone else's deeply chaotic relationship. While it's all well and good having no say over each others friendships, there is a line, and for me that comes where it has a negative impact on you. If i were you I'd tell him very firmly that I was having no part of it. (The ideas ridiculous anyway. As if you'll be able to change his mates relationship by positive role modelling! They're not children, that horse has long bolted.) I'd also be setting some boundaries for how far the friendship should be allowed to impact our life.

Your DH is sounding really bad in all this, OP.

Jeez, no! Not your circus, etc.
Up to your DH if he wants to be involved in the drama, but you steer well clear.

Well your DH isn't someone with good judgement whatsoever, if he gave this disaster of a "friend" thousands of pounds. Does this person have some weird hold over him? Anyone with any sense would run a mile.

Whilst I can see why you're reluctant, this goes beyond what you, your husband or anyone else wants or agrees with.

There are children at risk of emotional and physical harm. You can't just ignore that and neither can your husband. Child safety trumps everything else.

Your husband isn't their councillor your children don't need exposed to these people suggest he "signposts" them to other services if they are not coping.

If your husband tries to guilt or coerice you into meeting up with this family he's selfish and inconsiderate and he might also be getting some sort of "saviour" thrill out of the drama.

Coming to that conclusion myself. I think my DH has always had this massive blind spot for this friend. This is just a continuation of that. When they started trying for kids I told DH that friend needs to get his shit together, work on his mental health, make sure his relationship is stable, and get a job. DH lost his shit at me. None of what I suggested happened. Now we are where we are.

I might have misunderstood and thought you had children but my comment stands these people are not yours to fix.