To think if I had this diagnosis people wouldn’t be as supportive as they are with her?

[AloofAlot]

Hey. So first off I’m in a bit of a bad mood today but this is how I feel.

im going to make this as short as possible. There’s this girl I know. We used to work together years ago. She’s had a successful life with both having her kids young and also getting to enjoy her 20’s while I’ve had setback after setback in my life. Yes I’m a bit jealous of her and I really wish I wasn’t.

When I worked with her I would hear and see her going on lots of holidays and dates in swanky restaurants flaunting her amazing figure and looks while I could barely get a date with my distant ex and had to work really hard to get slim but never had as good of a body as hers. It was like everywhere she went or wanted to go it seemed like it was an always yes to her. She was able to have it all.

im married now with kids and while I do get time to myself I’ve always been held back in life mainly by overstepping family members and men who had let me down. I’ve had several people let me down and walk out when they’d promised to be there (not saying she hasn’t) I started my family much later than her and I wish it was the other way round so much as now her kids are older and she’s closer in age than them. Her and her daughter go and do girly things together and I’ve rarely had that.

this isn’t a pity party it’s just how I feel. Now she’s been diagnosed with a serious life threatening illness and people are rightfully so flocking round to show their support and she rightfully so deserves that. I feel sad because if I had the same illness I wouldn’t get that support as much. She never had to try in life. I suppose some people are luckier than others and that’s just the way life is. I wish I didn’t feel this way but I do. I’m married with a family now so at least I have achieved something but I wish that happened earlier as it might as well have because I never had a proper youth and have always been prevented in experiencing things I wanted to by family as I have a condition and I still feel so much resent for that.

why do I feel so much jealousy? It really isn’t normal and I wish I didn’t feel like that

So she’s never had to try in life and she’s so lucky and now she has a serious life-threatening illness. She’s not that bloody lucky then is she!

To be this obsessive over someone you worked with years ago is ridiculous. You need to get some help.

Speaking as someone who has had a serious life-threatening illness I find your attitude of “she’s never had to go through what I’ve been through” pretty awful.

she has been diagnosed with a life threaten illness and you are what? Jealous???? words fail me. Get some help OP.

I know so many people, myself included, that have been dealt some terrible knocks in life. The difference is that we’ve all pushed ourselves out the other side. You speak like life owes you something. Life is what you make it! I have an amazing life now and you wouldn’t know I’d been through many traumatic events just by looking at me. How do you know that this lady hadn’t been through some terrible times and just got on with it? Even if she hasn’t, your happiness is your own responsibility. Don’t ruin your whole life being jealous and bitter. Start the change now!

I agree with this kind response - the op came looking for a safe space and has just got unkind judgement so far

Op I do agree with pp that you need to get some therapy. With support to change your thinking patterns you could be so much happier life is too short to feel this bitter

I agree with this

@AloofAlot Please, please be careful, this is not a safe space for you to talk about your feelings.

You are not disgusting or awful, at all.

But, as you have seen, there are people on here who absolutely revel in and enjoy trying to tear your down for trying to make sense of what you are going through.

You seem to have some issues that would benefit from therapy and professional help. You were very brave to post about it and ask for guidance.

You could talk to your GP, perhaps or contact somewhere like MIND.

I would leave this thread and hide it, now. Don't take it to heart - people on here can be vicious, nasty and entirely lack empathy; it says more about them than you.

I have two medical conditions that mean l could die anytime (I'm in my mid 60s).
I just get on with it, and take my medications which control them. Hopefully l'll have another 20 years, you can't sit and dwell on it every minute of every day.

At work, it means l stay sitting down on a till. I don't go onto the shop floor because one of my illnesses affects me in a particular way. If I'm on my feet for maybe more than 10, 15 minutes, l go dizzy and pass out.
My managers are fine with this, they've seen my hospital documents, it's not a problem. Obviously they don't want me keeling over and potentially hurting myself, so I stay sitting down.
Walking to get something from a display is okay, that just takes a couple of minutes, I just can't be on my feet for extended periods.

However, a while ago, l had someone who was sitting on a till next to me, who, when they were asked to go onto the shop floor, remarked pointedly "I might say l've got something wrong with ME, then l can stay sitting down all day."
It was obviously directed at me, there was no one else there. It quite upset me.

I'm not lazy, l work bloody hard when l'm there and l've never been told there's a problem with my work. But this woman clearly has a problem with me. It doesn't affect her job. I'm not skiving or giving her more work to do.
She doesn't know me. She doesn't know what's wrong with me.
But she's judged me. It's not nice. Or fair.

...it’s like if I met my husband sooner and had my kids sooner and when I’m the age I’m at they’d be a lot more independent and we’d relate to each other better.

This is perhaps the most concerning part of your post as it sounds like it's negatively affecting how you relate to your DC now.

This idea that you would relate to your children better if you'd had them younger is so unhelpful to you and them. It's meaningless anyway, based only on what you see of your ex-colleague. It's allowing you to detach from the life you have with your DC here and now, for some 'what if' fantasy.

It's good that you are able to see (I think?) that this is an unhealthy way of looking at things. I have to agree with pps who have suggested therapy.

That said, as uncomfortable as the feelings described are, jealousy is a very common emotion. It's unhelpful, we know it's unhelpful - and yet many of us feel it, especially if we feel our lives have been hard, that we ourselves are 'less than', and that we feel that life should be fair.

I have learned that feelings like these may signal a bout of depression.

There was a girl a bit like this who I grew up with. Our mothers were close. Except the trajectory of her life somehow went skew. I though she would always have 'everything' easily. I don't want to give too many details, but we were in a sports team together, and many years later I remembered some behaviour from the coach that in hindsight was very suspect.

A couple of years back, we caught up and I asked her (carefully!) about it. I have never been so horrified to find out that I was right about something. If I could go back and change what happened so she could have had that amazing life we all expected her to then I would give almost anything for that opportunity.

Excellent post.

I've been on Mumsnet for around 8 years but this is the most disgusting think I've ever read on here. A woman you don't like could lost everything, her life, her family; everything. You have everything you ever wanted and your first thought is what would happen if it happened to you. SICK

I don’t know if it’s true or not. I wrote very clearly
‘I think from your perspective.’
I was trying to understand where the op maybe coming from.
As she hasn’t said then it’s pure conjecture, like most of the replies on here.

Personally I appreciate warm words even from social butterflies.

Wow, some posters on this thread need to check how they speak to people.
OP is clearly vulnerable and in a bad place, some of the things people are writing on here are enough to push someone like that over the edge. I strongly suspect people wouldn't be so vicious in person, anonymity makes people "brave".

OP, you need to speak to someone professional about all of this. You clearly know that being jealous of someone's illness isn't healthy and you sound like you'd really benefit from guidance - it's clear from your posts that you are very self-reflective and this is usually half the battle.

If you're still reading responses (which I wouldn't blame you for having blocked, but I suspect you may be reading as a form of self harm) you should know that everyone has similar thoughts to this, particularly when they're struggling - I've thought things like this and worse. You are not a bad person - the next step is to seek help and work on yourself xx

This is a wonderful reply.

I echo what this poster has said. I understand how your feelings of loss; loss of opportunity perhaps, loss of support, loss of success - these have all culminated to be the underlying reason for your envy. You envy the things she has because you want them, not because you're happy she is ill.

I get it. I've had life changing things over the past decade health-wise, from a head injury and post concussion syndrome, then a permanent neurological involuntary movement disorder from a psychotropic drug. I have looked at others succeeding (including, the ultimate taboo, my DD), and felt awful envy and self loathing that my life stagnated, and didn't reach what could have been the full potential.

Bit by bit, I've tried to reframe it all, reframe my thoughts, cultivate a growth mindset and practice gratitude. Without doing this, if I let myself think "horrible" jealous thoughts, I'd be a very bitter person. Maybe sometimes I am, but I do think that this is how I should be in order to live better and fully.

Life is messy and complicated. We only get one short life (supposedly). Try to live a happy life OP ❤️✨️❤️

I think you sound depressed and you need help to pick through your feelings and your attitude to things that have happened.
We all have things to cope with. Everyone has different challenges in life but it's how you deal with them that's important.
There is nothing intrinsically better about having your children younger, there are positives and negatives about having your children when you are more mature. But you seem to think this person has been luckier because she had her children when she was younger.
For some reason that I don't understand you seem to think that you have been dealt a more difficult hand than other people and that everything was more difficult for you than for this person. You can't possibly know that though.

You have a severe victim mentality, which you should seek therapy to address.

You are human, life is not fair, we don't all have the same start in life. It's ok to recognize that. You can't control your upbringing or your family. But you can control what YOU do. You are choosing to be negative and wallow in self pity and that will not bring anything good in your life. And it certainly won't attract any friends. We all have shit going on that no one knows about. But we can't help someone who won't help themselves.