To think if I had this diagnosis people wouldn’t be as supportive as they are with her?

[AloofAlot]

Hey. So first off I’m in a bit of a bad mood today but this is how I feel.

im going to make this as short as possible. There’s this girl I know. We used to work together years ago. She’s had a successful life with both having her kids young and also getting to enjoy her 20’s while I’ve had setback after setback in my life. Yes I’m a bit jealous of her and I really wish I wasn’t.

When I worked with her I would hear and see her going on lots of holidays and dates in swanky restaurants flaunting her amazing figure and looks while I could barely get a date with my distant ex and had to work really hard to get slim but never had as good of a body as hers. It was like everywhere she went or wanted to go it seemed like it was an always yes to her. She was able to have it all.

im married now with kids and while I do get time to myself I’ve always been held back in life mainly by overstepping family members and men who had let me down. I’ve had several people let me down and walk out when they’d promised to be there (not saying she hasn’t) I started my family much later than her and I wish it was the other way round so much as now her kids are older and she’s closer in age than them. Her and her daughter go and do girly things together and I’ve rarely had that.

this isn’t a pity party it’s just how I feel. Now she’s been diagnosed with a serious life threatening illness and people are rightfully so flocking round to show their support and she rightfully so deserves that. I feel sad because if I had the same illness I wouldn’t get that support as much. She never had to try in life. I suppose some people are luckier than others and that’s just the way life is. I wish I didn’t feel this way but I do. I’m married with a family now so at least I have achieved something but I wish that happened earlier as it might as well have because I never had a proper youth and have always been prevented in experiencing things I wanted to by family as I have a condition and I still feel so much resent for that.

why do I feel so much jealousy? It really isn’t normal and I wish I didn’t feel like that

How do you know? You said you know her, not that she’s your best friend or your sister. Presumably you only know what she chooses to share? Even my best friends don’t know what I’ve been through. People let you see what they want you to see, nobody has a perfect life.

You need therapy.

I think your jealous is a way of deflecting responsibility for your own life. You really need to concentrate on your own life and look forwards.

I hope you can achieve this and feel more at peace.

OP all you did was work with this girl years ago. You don't know the full story about anything. You just seem to have chosen her as some sort of comparison to your own (according to you) pathetic life.

But look at it the other way around... you are married and have children. There are so many other people who could be jealous of you. So many threads on here from people unable to find partners, infertile, and/or have severely disabled children who would swap in a heartbeat.

How would you feel about being on the receiving end?

Just unfollow her on SM, etc. She's not even in your social circle, she's just someone you used to work with. job done.

This is a self worth issue. If you love yourself ‘no matter what’ then these things won’t affect you.

You should have some form of NHS ‘talking therapies’ near you. You should find it and get on one of their courses.

I won't echo what everyone else has said but I will say this.

You have absolutely no idea what this woman feels or thinks. People often portray a very different life to the one they are actually living. You may think she has it all but that may not actually be the case.

Whatever she has or hasn't got has no bearing on your life whatsoever.

What good things do you have going on in your life (not comparing to hers). What are you good at? Do you have aims and goals in your life?

Comparison is the thief of joy and all that.

You need to stop comparing yourself to her. Look at what is good in your own life, not how you think your life doesn’t measure up to hers. You have no idea what this woman has really been through in her life, your only seeing glimpses and everyone struggles, I seriously doubt she has completely sailed through life. She is now experiencing a very traumatic experience, she is seriously ill. It doesnt matter how nice everyone is to her none of those people can cure her, she must be terrified.

So instead she's going through a life threatening illness! But you do you.
You need help, preferably therapy to rid yourself of this dreadful jealousy.

Yes you’re all right to be disgusted at me for this thread as I’m disgusted at how I feel sometimes and my jealousy over others. I do have self esteem issues that stemmed from childhood as I was put down a lot my whole life. It’s not to excuse my behaviour now but just explain it. I need to just focus on being grateful for where I am now and making things better for myself and my family as so many people are much worse off than me

I'm not sure the comments on here will help the OP. If anything they'll make her feel worse. Some people have had a hard life while seemingly some don't seem to have to struggle for anything. It's OK to be envious of others but maybe not to the extent you feel about this woman as it seems to be really affecting you, OP. I agree that therapy might be helpful to ĥelp you move past this and focus on living your best life.

Compared with others you have a good life, it’s just that you’re focusing on comparing with this one woman. Do you have any idea of why she draws so much of your attention and energy?

The old saying “comparison is the thief of joy” is so appropriate - you have your family and your health. Can you block this woman and focus on other things? It’s not healthy to dwell like this.

I understand what it’s like to carry deep regret. For me, having dc was a chance to create a better childhood and family life for them, and I have found that has brought some healing.

Go get therapy. Your thoughts and feelings are not normal. Quite frightening actually.

What you are describing sounds like an emotional deprivation schema, an expectation that you will not be emotionally cared for which has come about because of repeated negative life events. I think you’re being very brave to be so honest about it, you have nothing to feel ashamed of for articulating the way you feel. we can’t help our feelings and clearly you want to be able to feel more compassionate and also escape your own suffering.
I think many replies on here are pretty hideous and ironically lacking in compassion.
there’s loads you can do, have a look online for more advice but here’s a link in case it helps https://www.psychologytools.com/resource/emotional-deprivation/#:~:text=One%20common%20schema%20is%20'emotional,continually%20disappointed%20by%20your%20relationships.

Get off social media if you are on it. Stop watching other people's lives.
It's terrible for mental health. And fake.

This is definitely about your lack of self worth, which likely stems from adverse early experiences. Counselling would be useful. With help, you could come to see that you are the only agent in your own happiness. You have a family, which many would envy, and you have your health which ditto.

I went through a phase of thinking everyone had it better than me when I was unable to conceive, even after fertility treatment. I woke up with a start when my best friend's father died of a horrible disease and again when a colleague 10 years younger than me died in a tragic accident.

You've got one life - moping and catastrophising is no way to spend it. Stop checking up on this poor woman and start looking out for yourself.

There's no point comparing yourself to other people OP.

I was the last of my friends to have a child and the oldest, but I'm not jealous of then because I appreciate I got to have a lot of experiences that I wouldn't have done if I'd had kids young. In the same way, they aren't jealous of me because they know their kids will be grown up much sooner and they will have more freedom then. Neither of us are right or wrong, we just chose to do things differently!

You do sound like you feel very sorry for yourself though and blame other people for all the unfortunate things in your life. Having a "woe is me" attitude is not going to help you in any way, it will just keep you feeling miserable. Try and think about the positives in your own life.

I think you need counselling OP, not mumsnet, posting this here is like punishing yourself but isn't actually going to help at all.

In life nothing is fair

Comparing yourself to others will not help you in the long run

Take me, I'm a nice person helpful kind clean not smelly always willing to listen and help wherever I can it occurred to me awhile ago most of my so called friends wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire in fact they would probably dip into my purse and help themselves so I tried again new set of friends less of a doormat and while they probably would put me out if I was on fire we are not close and now they are working full time they have dropped to acquaintance more than friend level I just have to accept I'm not "that person" that everyone likes to be around sucks for me but realistically not a lot I can do about that

Make peace with who you are

Op you can't do that by yourself, please seek therapy. It will be the best thing you will ever do for yourself.

Personally I think you are very brave sharing your feelings and it sounds like you are well aware of how bad it makes you sound - I’m not here to twist the knife in someone who is already down. But like a few have pointed out, you are incredibly blessed to have good health and she would give away everything to have that right now I am sure. If I were you I’d distance myself from this person for my own mental health and focus entirely on seeking help with my thoughts. To me they’re a sign of something deeper, a depression of sorts. Try to find something you enjoy doing where you can also socialise with others, fill your time so you don’t get stuck in a rot of negativity. Once you’ve found some things that make you happy you may find you think less of this person and what they’ve had/have. Things don’t just come naturally to people although sometimes it comes across that way. I’d come off social media as well - people always share the good times there and it makes their lives seem a lot more interesting/better than our own. Any time you notice yourself going into a negative headspace, remove yourself from what triggered it and find something productive to do that pleases you.

For what it’s worth we all feel jealous of something or other at times, it’s how we respond to those feelings that matter - do we dwell or make ourselves snap out of it. When life gets dark, fight to find the light, don’t bury yourself in more mud.

I agree with people who have suggested therapy. I'd also suggest seeing your GP to check for depression. I really hope that you can find ways to help yourself feel better OP!

OP you sound very unhappy with yourself. I hope you can access some therapy. When you do, this response you are having to news about this unwell woman would be a good starting point. I wonder if your focus on her is some kind of subconscious way of putting off looking at you. It's certainly preventing you from seeing things clearly, to the point that you have an entirely unrealistic view of both her and your respective situations. There will be a reason why you need to create and obsess over this false narrative - that's the key here. She is just someone you've picked to hang all this on.

In the kindest possible way, you need therapy.

There are some people who are more lucky in life, many who aren’t (think of the poor folks in Gaza right now, or Ukraine). The fact you’re focussing on one person in millions who is more lucky suggests this is just a projection of where you see some shortfalls in your own life.

I’d suggest any problems you have you need to look closer to home. They are no more to do with this lady than they are any of the Kardashians or other people blessed with unearned looks and privelige. Your problems are your own. You seem really keen to blame others for your issues… people ‘leaving’, you had to ‘work hard’ to lose weight (did someone force feed you before that? Did someone surgically graft fat onto your body against your will?) you don’t have such loyal friends… why? You really think it’s because you’re not as pretty? You’re not 12 I assume?

Truly I think a path to peace and mental wellbeing for you would start with not projecting onto other people, blaming others for things not going as you’d have wanted, accepting that some things in life are bad luck and others are your own choices. You might feel more empowered.

I actually feel really, really sorry for you because what you’re expressing is not normal to feel at all.

Are you autistic? I’m not saying all autistic people would you react like this I’m just trying to rationalise how anyone could be envious of a sick human?

What is it you want from this post?

@AloofAlot I think what you’re trying to say badly is from your perspective this girl was always pretty and popular. And that because of this even when she’s very ill she will have lots of support, as she should, but it will be based on not only empathy but also popularity. And that you wouldn’t feel as supported if in her situation.

I have never been a popular person but have been very fortunate with a good dh, dc and a few lovely friends.
Last year I was diagnosed with an incurable disease which atm hardly affects me but has the potential to severely change my life and hasten my death. I just don’t know when or if this will happen.
My family and friends have been amazing and people I’m not close to have really been supportive.

So if it helps I think you underestimate the people around you.
If you are kind, gracious and caring people will notice and love you for it.

Being jealous is ok as long as you recognise it’s your feeling to deal with and don’t show jealousy towards others.