To think if I had this diagnosis people wouldn’t be as supportive as they are with her?

[AloofAlot]

Hey. So first off I’m in a bit of a bad mood today but this is how I feel.

im going to make this as short as possible. There’s this girl I know. We used to work together years ago. She’s had a successful life with both having her kids young and also getting to enjoy her 20’s while I’ve had setback after setback in my life. Yes I’m a bit jealous of her and I really wish I wasn’t.

When I worked with her I would hear and see her going on lots of holidays and dates in swanky restaurants flaunting her amazing figure and looks while I could barely get a date with my distant ex and had to work really hard to get slim but never had as good of a body as hers. It was like everywhere she went or wanted to go it seemed like it was an always yes to her. She was able to have it all.

im married now with kids and while I do get time to myself I’ve always been held back in life mainly by overstepping family members and men who had let me down. I’ve had several people let me down and walk out when they’d promised to be there (not saying she hasn’t) I started my family much later than her and I wish it was the other way round so much as now her kids are older and she’s closer in age than them. Her and her daughter go and do girly things together and I’ve rarely had that.

this isn’t a pity party it’s just how I feel. Now she’s been diagnosed with a serious life threatening illness and people are rightfully so flocking round to show their support and she rightfully so deserves that. I feel sad because if I had the same illness I wouldn’t get that support as much. She never had to try in life. I suppose some people are luckier than others and that’s just the way life is. I wish I didn’t feel this way but I do. I’m married with a family now so at least I have achieved something but I wish that happened earlier as it might as well have because I never had a proper youth and have always been prevented in experiencing things I wanted to by family as I have a condition and I still feel so much resent for that.

why do I feel so much jealousy? It really isn’t normal and I wish I didn’t feel like that

You need to get a grip and stop with the ugly pity party. Jesus you're jealous of a woman who has a serious illness, take a look at yourself

Some people are lucky. Until their luck runs out.
Give your head a wobble

That’s exactly how I feel. I have been so close to people and a lot of them have hurt me or/and walked out of my life over the years so it’s built up this mentality that I have to fight for lots of things in life (most people have to to an extent) and there’s always that fear that things would crash around me or get taken away. I hate feeling like that. I’ve had people say to me I’d never have this life or that over the years and I thought getting married and having kids would cure me but the years of let downs and setbacks still get to me. I watched countless people be able to have a proper 20s go on girly holidays, date who they like, work where they like, go on nights out where they like, do what they like with their bodies etc and I was constantly held back by family members with my condition used against me. I matured late because I was sheltered so much so I feel I’ve missed out. I feel resent on bad days e.g. days I feel I don’t look my best, days my child is fussy e.g. if we go to a cafe and they won’t settle it brings it back because I was left out of a lot of things growing up. Yes I got some good holidays but half of them were ruined and it’s like if I met my husband sooner and had my kids sooner and when I’m the age I’m at they’d be a lot more independent and we’d relate to each other better. I might as well have done that as I never got a proper twenties as I was never allowed to have that so I want to have a bit of that back

This isn't really about the woman OP - why don't you feel you have a support network? Have you been through trauma and been unsupported? You mention childhood issues - what are these? I had severe childhood trauma and growing up I used to wish I had something tragic happen to me so that people could 'see' and comfort me through the pain I felt every day.

Step away from shame over thoughts about this woman, and try to think about why you feel you have no support compared to her.

Your poor life choices are no fault of hers and I'm sure she would give anything and everything to have her health back, because that's what matters, not material goods
You need to take a long hard look at yourself

This is horrible.

You've assumed all kinds about this woman and her "easy" life.

I don't even know what to say to be honest.

You need to give yourself a serious talking to. To be jealous of someone with a life limiting diagnosis. It's actually offensive. Get a grip.

But she is now going through something that you have never been through and it sounds much worse. Good health is one of the biggest blessings and I bet she would be envious of yours right now. Start counting yours.

All the “ you’re awful and disgusting” replies are not helpful at all.
what is screaming out at me is very low self esteem. You are comparing yourself to this woman in every aspect of your life. Perhaps there is some jealousy there but I feel it is that your negative view of yourself and your life is impacting your view of her life. Rose tinted glasses effect and grass is always greener.. except it really isn’t. I agree with other posters about seeking some help to maybe discuss these feelings with a professional and help you work on a healthier view of your own life.

It’s definitely not normal to feel that amount of jealousy. If I were you I’d seek some therapy for low self-esteem, or otherwise move on with your own life.

I will say that other peoples lives might look better than yours from the outside, but you don’t know what struggles they might be going through. I’m pretty sure a former colleague of my own was jealous of me, and often gave me the cold shoulder. I think she was jealous of my marriage and having had children while she remains single and lives with her mum. But you know what, she had things I didn’t have. She went on to have a good career, and had some financial independence. I wish I could just tell her that my life is far from perfect. IDK it just sounds like you need some serious perspective and to be grateful for what you’ve got and work on your mental health.

I understand what you’re saying but as they say comparison is the thief of joy. I think concentrating on things you are grateful for such as being healthy, your children etc rather than the past or what you don’t have might make you feel better.

lots of other posters have been quite harsh but I think what your saying is quite hard to put into words. I don’t think you are a bad person at all.

This has to be a wind up! How dare you. I'm sure she would swap your life in a heartbeat to be free off this illness. Go and get some therapy ffs

I think from reading this - what you are saying is - should something horrible have happened to you, you don’t have the support network that she does ?

And that you would be largely on your own and or would struggle more because of this ?

Are you essentially frightened about your future should anything bad happen ?

I would strongly advise you to come off this thread, there’s just people being absolutely horrible to you and it’s only going to do more damage. It’s not a safe, fair place to talk about such delicate feelings. That could be your first act of self care

Can you get yourself some therapy? You need somebody you can rely on to be kind and sensitive, so you can unpick your difficult life experiences. This forum is full of arseholes, it’s only going to make you feel worse and further exacerbate the problem.

You’re not alone, none of this is terribly unusual actually , you’re just in a tricky spot and it would be a lot easier to get out of it if you had a kind therapist to guide you

There is absolutely nothing as beyond price or as precious in life as health. You have the most important thing .

You are being honest with your feelings which takes strength. But there are always going to be people in our lives who have more advantages than us, either by luck, genetics or through their efforts. But this shows us how fragile and random life can be . And that one day you feel you have very little, when actually you have the most enviable thing of all. Comparison really is the thief of joy. Life is unfair, often utterly shitty and bad things happen to good people. Try as hard as you can to look at what you do have, the people in your life who are there for you and to look at where these feelings are coming from.

You’ve had the realisation that you might not have a support network if you were in her position. My question I pose to you, is what are you going to do about it? You can’t wave a magic wand and make life perfect but you can take steps towards building up your self esteem and a support network.

Hey OP, just wanted to send you some love and support. People are going to attack you on here, but it’s actually not that bizarre to feel this way. Lots of people feel jealousy over a range of things and she is getting love and attention you don’t feel you would - this isn’t about the illness.

I think you need some therapy. You know something is up but you don’t know how to help yourself. You recognise that being jealous over a women who may potentially die is ludicrous, but then so is all the other jealousy you have felt.

You need to talk to a professional about getting things sorted out in your head. What you’re feeling isn’t about her, it’s about you and you need someone to help you work through all these feelings - you’re wasting your life feeling this way.

In the mean time, go ahead and be one of those people that is rallying around. Because right now she will be incredibly jealous of you and the fortune that you have not to be facing death.

But you actually have no idea what she's gone through, you're just assuming?! From the outside people could think I've got a lot going for me and it all came easily.....it didn't and it doesn't but I dont advertise my private life and vulnerabilities to the world

I think you need to make getting therapy a priority. It’s not normal to be jealous of an ill woman… not at all.

You can get better from this- promise.

I understand OP. It's shit when life seemingly is uphill for you but others seem to have a light shining on then throughout. Even when they've been given a kicking by the universe they get people flocking to hold them up. I get it, it's not about them being ill.

However this shit just eats you up if you let it. Bitterness attracts more bitterness. Maybe it's time for a bit of a change in your life to adjust your outlook on it. Learn something new, count the blessings you have and just try to let it go.

Green eyed monster of a woman who has been diagnosed with a serious life threatening illness? Have a word with yourself woman. She had her children young so likely will see them grow up. She has packed as much as she could into her life while she can and good on her I say.

I don’t really get the logic about relating to your kids better if you had then younger. You’re looking to be their parent not their sister or friend. And how would having kids have helped you to have a proper 20s? If anything I’d think your 20s can be more carefree without kids.

OP are you happy in your marriage? Do you find fulfilment in motherhood? I only ask because you mention married with kids like some kind of checkbox you’ve achieved, but haven’t elaborated on how it actually makes you feel so much.

Do you have anything going on in your life that you’re proud of?

I’d think if you were more happy and fulfilled some of these feelings would dissipate somewhat, but I do agree you should seek therapy.

it is true that some people seem to have it easier in certain aspects of their life and we all have our different challenges, for example - this woman is now facing something awful that you hopefully won’t have to deal with ever.

If anything it should be a reminder not to envy others because you don’t know what’s ahead in your path or theirs.

I can imagine people would rather live another 40 years or whatever than have a big crowd of supportive people around them as nice as that is. So remember- this woman may be looking at people like you and wishing she had your luck and good fortune.

I’ve always been held back in life mainly by overstepping family members and men who had let me down. I’ve had several people let me down and walk out when they’d promised to be there

You'd benefit from therapy, said kindly. You can certainly acknowledge how crappy it is that people let you down or overstep but they don't write or dictate your life.

I wonder if deep down you are devastated that she is ill because it blows your theory about life being so easy for her. You are clutching at straws when you say that you would not have the support she has if you had that illness. You're probably right, but so what? She still has that illness.

You actually probably really like and admire this woman, but for some reason are unable to fully embrace that. If that is true, why do you think that is?

You can change your thoughts and attitude towards this woman by telling yourself that you admire and are inspired by her. You might even write her a letter saying that and see what comes out (if you take this on the letter shouldn't have anything negative in it. If you hit some negativity, take it out and have a look at it and ask yourself what is lacking in your life and how you might rectify that.

I can't condemn what you wrote in your post because it is so human. We all have our moments when we have thoughts that we're not proud of. You're just a bit more honest about this than other people. Which is something in your favour. Good luck.