To think if I had this diagnosis people wouldn’t be as supportive as they are with her?

[AloofAlot]

Hey. So first off I’m in a bit of a bad mood today but this is how I feel.

im going to make this as short as possible. There’s this girl I know. We used to work together years ago. She’s had a successful life with both having her kids young and also getting to enjoy her 20’s while I’ve had setback after setback in my life. Yes I’m a bit jealous of her and I really wish I wasn’t.

When I worked with her I would hear and see her going on lots of holidays and dates in swanky restaurants flaunting her amazing figure and looks while I could barely get a date with my distant ex and had to work really hard to get slim but never had as good of a body as hers. It was like everywhere she went or wanted to go it seemed like it was an always yes to her. She was able to have it all.

im married now with kids and while I do get time to myself I’ve always been held back in life mainly by overstepping family members and men who had let me down. I’ve had several people let me down and walk out when they’d promised to be there (not saying she hasn’t) I started my family much later than her and I wish it was the other way round so much as now her kids are older and she’s closer in age than them. Her and her daughter go and do girly things together and I’ve rarely had that.

this isn’t a pity party it’s just how I feel. Now she’s been diagnosed with a serious life threatening illness and people are rightfully so flocking round to show their support and she rightfully so deserves that. I feel sad because if I had the same illness I wouldn’t get that support as much. She never had to try in life. I suppose some people are luckier than others and that’s just the way life is. I wish I didn’t feel this way but I do. I’m married with a family now so at least I have achieved something but I wish that happened earlier as it might as well have because I never had a proper youth and have always been prevented in experiencing things I wanted to by family as I have a condition and I still feel so much resent for that.

why do I feel so much jealousy? It really isn’t normal and I wish I didn’t feel like that

I knew a girl like that.
She was all about herself.
She was beautiful - 5’10” dark hair, blue eyes.
Coasted through life, never suffered any consequences for anything.
She had no idea of “being a guest” — she’d leave the milk out, dirty dishes, clothes everywhere when the visited at age 35.
She ditched me in Mexico once with her friends and I had to hitchhike 85+ miles back to San Diego with complete strangers.
She got breast cancer and died.
And I wish she was here to be a shitty house guest every day of my life.

I'm sorry that lady had that happen, but the op is different as she's just assuming things about this woman without any actual proof or proper relationship

OP, I get you. This woman seems to have led a pretty charmed life (in comparison to you) but now has had an awful diagnosis. However, as part of her “charmed life” she now has a great deal of help, love and support which you don’t think you would have in her situation.

I think you have to accept that everyone walks their own path and some people’s lives are easier (in whatever form) than others.

However, comparison is the thief of joy so you need to look at what you DO HAVE and not at what you don’t.

BTW, I’m talking from the place of someone who only had children much later in life than others, I don’t have the career and lifestyle many of my peers have and I’ve also had cancer recently- which I’m hopefully now clear from.

I suggest some sort of talking therapy to help you readjust your thinking and to help you start to see life as half-full and not half-empty.

Who is she to you?

This I think is the kindest and truest post on this thread.@AloofAlot I had a neglected childhood and often felt envious of others’ golden lives.
I’m 56 now, and I’m learning how to look after myself. Try to be kind to yourself.

And people on here could be a little bit more compassionate.

I once read a description of envy that rid me of it forever, in my own words: it’s like your very own child is standing right in front of you and reaching out for you but you are completely ignoring her whilst looking wistfully at other, seemingly more beautiful, smarter, more talented children around you. That’s how you are treating yourself when you allow envy to grow.

You've become obsessed with this woman over the years. She's less a person and more your vision of what might have been. For this reason, even in her illness you can't see her as an individual worthy of empathy, all you can see is what you think it would be like if this had happened to you. For this reason, I don't think you are an appalling person, rather a person who hasn't found a healthy way to process your own struggles and disappointments, and this has led you to dehumanise this woman as the symbol of what you never had. The best advice I can give you is to see these inappropriate thoughts as a sign you need to do some work to accept your life and manage the feelings caused by your past. A councellor may be helpful.

You’re so jealous and bitter. You do t sound very nice and be. Her illness aside your comment “she never had to try in life” is also awful. How do you even know that??? You don’t know her struggles.

You need to stop wallowing. There's a reason there's a famous saying "comparison is the thief of joy." Focus on you and improving your life.

But she’s got a serious illness so whilst she’s been luckier in some ways she’s definitely been unluckier in others. Whilst your jealousy before was in a way understandable (I’m sure most of us have felt envious of others at some point!) getting diagnosed with a serious illness surely makes you realise that health is truly the most important thing?

You need therapy
It isn’t normal to feel this way
You have a family now.. be grateful.

We've all had jealous thoughts about people. Yeah, it's not a great way to feel and you do need to be careful that it doesn't take over the way you feel about them, yourself, or yourself versus them. But I guess OP is also shook by the realisation that she might not have the same support around her if it was her with this diagnosis. Nowhere does OP imply that she's jealous of the diagnosis!

I think all the people saying, "take a good hard look at yourself, how can you be so nasty?" are being a little bit nasty themselves.

I had a spinal injury during birth in the winter which has caused potentially lifelong disabling effects. My friends and family have been amazingly supportive. If I learned that someone was jealous of the support I've had, I wouldn't feel angry - I'd just be upset for them.

Thank you for posting that. That's a really powerful image and I will find that helpful too.

Well, her life is likely very trying now. Please get some help. You have some serious work to do on yourself. Look into what Donotneedit suggests.

OP I do get it and those who aren’t being rude to you have offered some good advice. It’s hard when someone seemingly has an easy life and you’re constantly struggling and social media just makes the fantasy of a wonderful life so much more real (when we all now it isn’t.

You’re the lucky one right now OP. She has a serious illness and you don’t. So from here you can count your blessings. Your envy isn’t about the illness but your assumption that you’d not have the support she is getting is also about a fantasy scenario that may never actually arise. Also worth remembering there’s a huge difference between the virtue signalling re: offering support on social media when someone declares they have X illness and what actually comes to fruition in real life. You’d be surprised at how quickly people get bored when you don’t recover in a month or two or that they may have to follow through on their offer.

Comparison is the thief of joy and it’s true. You really don’t want what’s actually going on in her life right now. Know she has her ghosts and her demons and her fears. Popularity doesn’t save your life and it doesn’t make your death easier either.

Give yourself a break and mute her on socials. You ought to be concentrating on what you have and what you want in the future not what you don’t have from the past.

You need to remember that you don't really know what happened in her life.

Everyone has stuff going on.

Well your first paragraph isn't true though. So many 'popular' people don't have any real friends. I'm not saying that it's the case with this girl, just saying that OP might not know the full story.
What does 'flocking around' even mean? Supportive comments on social media, one-off gestures just so people can show off how good they are, don't really amount to much.

The older I get, having been in good and not so good situations, I realise that many things aren't as they seem.

It's extremely difficult to support someone going through a hard time, day after day, doing the boring stuff like checking in, practical help, etc. Very, very few people are capable of it. A small, close circle of friends I've found are more likely to be there for each other, rather than the social butterflies who have a little time for everyone, but not a big chunk for any one person.

I'm sorry for your loss. My son died in the same week as the queens jubilee and then when the queen died all I heard on the telly was "it wasn't that long ago we were all so happy celebrating the jubilee and now look at us" I was like erm I remember wishing my son hadn't died when everyone else was celebrating the jubilee. I do get where the OP is coming from but it is hard to see someone have a "poor me" attitude but as I say I have been there but maybe not to that extent

Honest question, have you ever considered that the holding back in life is because of this attitude you have…?

Your woe is me attitude is ridiculous. Your jealousy is disgusting. Concrete on your own life and be grateful for what you have. Her life won't be all plain sailing. She has a life threatening illness ffs.

I said it earlier and so have others, that I think you should get counselling. Look at the Samaritans website while you're online now, you can email if you don't want to talk. You will get roasted on MN for your original post. It could also stay online forever. I dont think that's what you need either.

I‘m sorry you’ve been through so much. The effect of negative life events is accumulative, and at some point you start to expect negative things to happen.

I wonder if you‘ve been looking at this girl‘s life as a way of processing what has happened to you? You do seem to be viewing her life through rose-tinted glasses though, focusing on what you haven’t got rather than a balanced view of what she may have gone through behind the scenes.

Do try and get talking therapy to process what you‘ve been through instead of projecting on someone else.If you’re prone to ruminating, an SSRI (a class of anti depressant) can help - different SSRIs work for different people.

You can do it. It‘s not about the other girl, it‘s about you. And processing that emotional baggage will ultimately help you.

@Gillypie23
Why do you say her jealously is disgusting?
Feelings are just that, feelings. It’s important to accept how we feel, both positive and negative.