Am I being unreasonable to want to hold this woman to account?

[VickyPollard25]

I met a man on Bumble. He pushed me into a relationship pretty quickly (a matter of weeks and he was wanting to get married). I was mid-divorce and would usually be stronger and have my wits about me, but was quite vulnerable with all that was going on. He ambushed me into meeting his kids - ie. Date at his place and suddenly they turn up unexpectedly to me (they don’t live at his home as they are older - he is much older than me). So many red flags and I felt unsettled. Out of the blue he goes to Hong Kong for work. He messages me a strange message saying he suddenly feels very protective of me. It was odd. He gets back and tells me he caught up with an “old friend” who says she knows me and warned him about me. Apparently she had a lot of terrible things to say, hence him feeling protective. 🙄 He tells me she says I am from the wrong side of the tracks (my parents are dirt poor, I went to the wrong schools and a bad university, etc), I have no friends and my job is a joke. This is a summary - she also commented on things based on personal info you could find out if you internet stalked me. I was actually quite devastated to hear all this. I pushed him for this friend’s details and it turns out that it wasn’t an old friend of his, but another woman he had met online and had been dating. She had never met me and I’d never heard of her. He told me he told her that he couldn’t see her anymore because he had met someone and gave her all my details. They looked up my Linked In profile together… Absolutely appalling behaviour by him.

I’m reeling from the idea that someone would say these things about someone she’s never met. I’ve skimmed over it but they are really hurtful nasty things that she’s invented. I’ve never come across anything like it. He defended her, saying she had was in her 40s and had never had a serious relationship and after several miscarriages was looking for a sperm donor and he had offered.

This was drip fed to me after a lot of lying. Then it turns out this woman has called my work (an international bank) to reach out to former colleagues of hers to pass on terrible things about me.

Clearly he has stirred up a lot of trouble and deserved to be binned. But what about her? Is this crazy behaviour or what? I feel I can’t just leave it.

Am I being unreasonable to want to hold her to account for calling my work and making about blatant lies about me?

This man clearly went out there to sleep with her, he sounds like an utter creep!
I would report the stalking to the police and give any details about both her and him that you have, message him and tell him you don’t want him to ever contact you again and if he does call the police! Stalking is a serious crime and he’s clearly not a nice person… I’d message the woman and simply tell her he’s all hers and to leave you alone, then block… I would strongly suspect that she too is a-victim of his love bombing & it’s likely he did all the stalking and just got her to do the dirty work, I would assume he’s coerced her too!
Dump him ASAP. Don’t do it in person in private as i think he is potentially very dangerous!! If you meet him in a public place don’t drink encase he spikes it!!
I’d be tempted with someone like this to simply call him and tell him over the phone!… RECORD THE CONVERSATION encase he makes threats.. and if he does go to the police! Then DO NOT open the door to this man and keep your doors locked! He sounds like a narcissistic psycho

Sorry just caught up on your updates… please report to the police! If he did date her at some point and is now pretending she’s harassing / stalking you to cover the fact that it’s actually him stalking/harassing you… then he could do the same to someone else and use pictures of you he took during your short time together to harass her! He could already be working on his next victim and months from now show her pictures of you and claim you’re mental and calling her place of work etc!!
Please inform the police of this. Get it recorded that you suspect he’s stolen an identity to harass you and are worried he could do the same to another woman using your identity!! At least then when his next victim calls the police to report YOU, they’ll have a record of your statement!
You do very much need to report this creep .. I bet if you reached out to the ex wife he’s done this before .. I bet he stalked her using other people to hide behind!

Please don’t beat yourself up over this, you were vulnerable and he preyed on you, this isn’t your fault and is a lesson learnt for the future, we all make mistakes and we become wiser because of them!

The only thing I would suggest though encase he actually is a serial dater, is to maybe get screened for sexually transmitted diseases. Sorry don’t want to worry you, but I would want to give myself that peace of mind

I would also be worried that if she is real ‘the donation’ she spoke about was in fact money rather than sperm….
maybe he was hoping to get your money from your house and give her a chunk of it so she could have a baby with him…
The discussions about you selling your house etc rings alarms bells of possible fraud?!…. Was he planning on doing a runner with your money?!out of interest how did he react to you dumping him? You say you met his kids?? What were they like?

His showing you that message…are you sure she was referring to a sperm donation? It could have been a cash donation he reneged on and he’s manipulating to his supposed advantage. If there’s a woman phoning work etc, I’d lay odds she has been manipulated by him too. I’ve married a guy much like this. You can’t believe what they say..they lie even if they don’t need to and they manipulate everybody. The speed of a relationship to proposal is a huge red flag. I said no for over a year, so he had to pretend to be nice and work on the con a long time for him lol, but really, you are doing well to get rid from your life. Now you have to get him out of your head. That’s not easy but it is important. The dating sites are full of these narcissistic people hunting for prey to feed their egos. Remember the red flags. Listen to your gut. Don’t take anything at face value.

The therapist is correct. Manipulation, deception, gaslighting, projection, multiple women , playing the victim..re ex wife…she’s the one I feel sorry for.

Mine was in his 50s. He’s no better in his 70s. They get worse as they get older because it’s harder to ensnare as they lose their looks and hair, put on weight, have health issues and they fear…I mean are terrified…of being alone.

Please report this to the police! Absolute nutters the pair of them

F

OP, this is a huge amount of drama, which you definitely don't need after going through a divorce.

My advice to you: 1) block her (if you even know her name) and forget she exists. She either doesn't exist or is a random stranger who shouldn't be taking up any headspace. 2) dump and block this guy. He is giving off red flags left, right and centre. Save yourself from this weirdo and take the time to work on yourself before getting involved with anyone else.

Best of luck OP.

He sounds totally bat shit crazy but as others have said I think he's made her up.

Red flags all other the place though...

As I’ve said before I believe she’s real.

Men like this usually have several women on the go and they thrive on playing them off against each other. Who knows what he’s been saying to this other woman ans promising her only to then drop on her that’s he’s serious with OP and they are going to get married and love happily every after. Unless you’ve experimented these men it’s hard to believe how they can turn otherwise normal, balanced women into paranoid, obsessive wrecks.

I don’t condone what the other woman has done but I also can believe she’s been played like a fiddle for this odious man to have two women fighting and obsessing over him. OP chose to run for the hills, the other woman seems to be doing exactly what he hoped.

The bloke is strange, get rid.

My guess is she doesn’t exist, it’s him, he’s a psychopath. I had a relationship with a man who told me people were saying things behind my back, I then started being stalked and notes being left everywhere, my car tyres let down, I was reported for fraud. He made me believe it was someone with a vendetta when actually it was him to gain control of me. Bin this man off

You’ve nailed it.

I’ve made a full police report and the police were lovely. Any messages sent from HK are a major problem - more so than here, and they say they will investigate.

My work has security like Fort Knox and I have cameras installed at home now. I think his ex wife has put the frighteners into him about the police so I think the fear of another arrest or non-molestation order will keep him away.

He has already been dumped and really has no way to reach me electronically or by phone.

Thank you - I do think you don’t know what these people are like until you meet one. I never thought I’d be embroiled in anything like this. I’m quite (happily) steady.

This is just horrible. I’m really sorry you went through this.

This man is binned off for good!

You are 💯 right. Thank you. It’s helped a lot to read all of these messages.

Thank You for that. I have read narcissistic people get worse with age. I can only imagine he will get more intense (and desperate as he has money problems) which will probably mean he scares potential victims off.

That's why he's invented this woman from somebody's Linked in profile - 'oh, no, officer, that's not me stalking my ex wife/girlfriend/other girlfriends/lady friend/penpal - that's my mad stalker ex from abroad where you can't get to her harassing them, nothing to do with me, honest. Look, I've even got messages from her on my phone'.

I can’t imagine a lifetime of this man and raising children with him! Yes, poor poor ex wife! He would drive by her house and try and see what she was up to. He couldn’t let go.

Thank you. Those are very wise words.

Oh my goodness! I didn’t think of that! I’m glad I’ve made the report.

The hard part is not feeling very stupid and angry at myself.

I did the STD tests. He had issues with ED so probably not as much sleeping around as he would like!

I did think that’s a funny way to talk about it - “donation”.

I think he would have taken everything he could from me if he could. I don’t think he would do a runner with a job and a few children. I think the idea was decimate my self esteem so much that I would submit to whatever he suggested. He suggested putting money together to improve his place, and asked if I was offering for him to move in with me so he could rent his out. (Umm..no, me offering would come out of my mouth, wouldn’t it.)

He had alienated the kids from their mother. Two of them wouldn’t speak to her. The eldest was the golden child. I raised concerns that I thought their relationship was inappropriate and he told me I was just like his ex wife and proceeded to show me a court document where she had made certain allegations. I don’t know why on earth he thought that would convince me otherwise as it pretty much confirmed it in my head. He then proceeded to tell this child I didn’t like her etc to create an issue. Probably the same way he created a divide between her and her mother. It was all so disturbing and so sad.

It became her circus though when it interferes with her livelihood

Don’t feel stupid! There are more people out there than you’d care to believe that groom their victims. You are the victim here and need to get those feelings out of your head! He’s the nasty one, like I said you made a mistake while feeling vulnerable and will now grow from that xx good luck with your future x