Am I being unreasonable to want to hold this woman to account?

[VickyPollard25]

I met a man on Bumble. He pushed me into a relationship pretty quickly (a matter of weeks and he was wanting to get married). I was mid-divorce and would usually be stronger and have my wits about me, but was quite vulnerable with all that was going on. He ambushed me into meeting his kids - ie. Date at his place and suddenly they turn up unexpectedly to me (they don’t live at his home as they are older - he is much older than me). So many red flags and I felt unsettled. Out of the blue he goes to Hong Kong for work. He messages me a strange message saying he suddenly feels very protective of me. It was odd. He gets back and tells me he caught up with an “old friend” who says she knows me and warned him about me. Apparently she had a lot of terrible things to say, hence him feeling protective. 🙄 He tells me she says I am from the wrong side of the tracks (my parents are dirt poor, I went to the wrong schools and a bad university, etc), I have no friends and my job is a joke. This is a summary - she also commented on things based on personal info you could find out if you internet stalked me. I was actually quite devastated to hear all this. I pushed him for this friend’s details and it turns out that it wasn’t an old friend of his, but another woman he had met online and had been dating. She had never met me and I’d never heard of her. He told me he told her that he couldn’t see her anymore because he had met someone and gave her all my details. They looked up my Linked In profile together… Absolutely appalling behaviour by him.

I’m reeling from the idea that someone would say these things about someone she’s never met. I’ve skimmed over it but they are really hurtful nasty things that she’s invented. I’ve never come across anything like it. He defended her, saying she had was in her 40s and had never had a serious relationship and after several miscarriages was looking for a sperm donor and he had offered.

This was drip fed to me after a lot of lying. Then it turns out this woman has called my work (an international bank) to reach out to former colleagues of hers to pass on terrible things about me.

Clearly he has stirred up a lot of trouble and deserved to be binned. But what about her? Is this crazy behaviour or what? I feel I can’t just leave it.

Am I being unreasonable to want to hold her to account for calling my work and making about blatant lies about me?

You have binned him, for me that is the last time you has and will pay attention to any of his crap including mate's drama.
Let them enjoy their shit together.

There is no other woman or even if she exists he is spinning her the same story. he is playing mind games to make you feel unsettled and to ultimately depend on him.

Good on your boss.

It is embarrassing but that is the best outcome.

@VickyPollard25 have you reported this to your HR? I would so that if anything trickles through to senior management you are ahead of the game.

Can't let them ruin your career and reputation

Block his number and move on.

OP you need to not date for a bit or this pattern will repeat itself.

There were crazy red flags from the start. You should work towards spotting the red flags and instantly binning the person off- block, delete and don’t engage at all ever again.

Get some counselling and work on yourself.

This sounds like the plot of a lifetime movie especially as you say her former colleagues work for the same company as you. Did anyone you work with confirm that she called and given you her name. This man sounds like a weirdo if it is true and he gave your details and sat looking at your profile with her. Are you sure it is not him stalking your profiles? I would be very wary it is not some sort of revenge on this woman maybe she dumped him.

Blimey, this man sounds unhinged! I can't work out what his motive is, except perhaps to control you by fear? I'm glad you've blocked him.

I'm another one who doesn't believe the woman exists. It's not hard to fake a LinkedIn profile. One thing you can do is run her headshot through Google Image Reverse – if he's lifted it from an innocent person's social media, which I suspect he has, the search will show where the image originated from. That woman might need warning that she's being used to perpetuate fraudulent behaviour.

I'm glad you are reporting it to the police but I also think you should contact the colleague this "woman" claims to have spoken to. Your "date" could easily escalate his behaviour, so it's worth giving that a colleague a heads up that it's now a police matter. Chances are, they never actually received a phone call and it's all part of the same bluster.

He could have got anyone to ring it may have been a friend or family member he sounds very unhinged. I hope if she is an ex or someone that had the sense to reject him she is not in danger.

Can you share me the Hong Kong info?

I live in HK. I will tell you if the address is real or not.

You’re entirely right. Thank you.

I'm taking all possible measures to put up a wall around me and my information.

This woman was head of HR for a bank in HK. He didn’t give me her home address (I didn’t ask), but her Linked In corresponded to what he said, and her what’s app photo matched her Linked In one.

Maybe you are right. I just don’t know what to think.

Sorry - I didn’t answer the question. I called the colleague at my own company and got his voicemail. He hasn’t called me back. But I’d really like to keep this out of work as much as I can.

That is exactly why you tell your HR, so it is a non issue should this man or woman start playing games with your reputation

This is exactly right. No dating for me while I sort out the emotional fall out from my divorce and this! I honestly could do without this drama. And yes, I should have spotted the red flags - they were there and boldly waving in my face.

Yes, you are absolutely right.

I don't think she's real, or if she is then he's just hijacked her identity to fuck with you. But whether she is or isn't, it doesn't matter. He's the problem, he brought this shit to your door whether it's real or not, he's absolutely bad news...and I know I said it before but it bears repeating: you still initially went for her as being the one to hold "accountable" and directed the ire that way. Even if she is real, if he can't keep her away from the doors of women he's seeing, nor realise what a total shitshow it is, then he's got no business dating anyone. He needs to sort his shit out first.

And in the nicest way, so do you. You saw a zillion red flags but carried on and then displaced it on to this woman as the problem when he's the issue whether she's real or not. You're vulnerable, you're in the middle of a huge life change, you're not in a position to date yet. Wait until you are. There is no rush.

Yes, I’ve learnt a lot about that because of him.

Talking about marriage within a month, begging to have a baby (I shot both down immediately), and trying to get me to quit my job (it’s a career not a job, and I would never throw it all away for a man) so he could take care of me. I think it is all about control. And if you have a baby you are stuck with them forever in one form or another.

Come to think about it, this issue with the HK woman came up after I laughed off the above suggestions and he realised I meant it.

He also suggested I sell my house and liquidate various investments. Apparently I need that money now, not for the future and if we invested together in his house (a derelict property in the middle of nowhere) we could make it amazing. He was constantly asking what my salary is (I refused to tell him), then wanted to put me on his phone account. Again, I said no.

Maybe this is more than narcissistic behaviour. A friend suggested I watch Dirty John and I did. It all rings true and I feel very stupid for not exiting this situation at the first red flag.

May I also recommend the “Chasing Charlie” podcast. You will find a lot of similarities.

How horrifying! She sounds like a match for this guy!!!

I don’t think it’s the same woman, unless she has some tricks up her sleeves that I’ve not heard about.

Thank you! I’ll listen to it tonight!

I agree I’m not ready to date. But I disagree that I initially went for her. I have already made him accountable and ended any contact (I am loathe to say “relationship” because the thought of him sickens me). My question is whether it is unreasonable to hold her to account for what she has allegedly said about me, and for supposedly contacting my work.

I really do wonder if “she” even exists now. Or at least his version of her. As someone else said, I have been gaslit, and possibly cat fished by the guy.

Just drop the guy and don't do more online dating until you are a LOT better at protecting yourself from being pushed into things you aren't keen on, and believing obvious manipulative bullshit.

You didn't start a thread about him, you started it about her, and what to do about her. But he's the issue! And I'm honestly surprised that it didn't occur to you that she might not be real, or at least be having her identity stolen by this guy. It's the first thing most of us reading thought of. If someone contacted my work about me, I wouldn't hear about it first, and solely, from our mutual "boyfriend" (for want of a better word). My manager would be right on it!

I'm not pressing this point to browbeat you. I'm just saying that it's indicative of just how off your picker is, although you do know that.

Whatever she is, he's brought her to your door.

I'm glad you're going to step back on dating now. You need to protect yourself.

I believe she’s real.
I think she’s also likely been driven mad by this gaslighting creep.

He is to blame for the whole situation but I am no longer surprised what women will do when they are being mind fucked by men like this. It’s very likely he’s twisting what this woman might be saying as well to get two women fighting over him.

I didn’t pick my username for nothing!