Am I being unreasonable to want to hold this woman to account?

[VickyPollard25]

I met a man on Bumble. He pushed me into a relationship pretty quickly (a matter of weeks and he was wanting to get married). I was mid-divorce and would usually be stronger and have my wits about me, but was quite vulnerable with all that was going on. He ambushed me into meeting his kids - ie. Date at his place and suddenly they turn up unexpectedly to me (they don’t live at his home as they are older - he is much older than me). So many red flags and I felt unsettled. Out of the blue he goes to Hong Kong for work. He messages me a strange message saying he suddenly feels very protective of me. It was odd. He gets back and tells me he caught up with an “old friend” who says she knows me and warned him about me. Apparently she had a lot of terrible things to say, hence him feeling protective. 🙄 He tells me she says I am from the wrong side of the tracks (my parents are dirt poor, I went to the wrong schools and a bad university, etc), I have no friends and my job is a joke. This is a summary - she also commented on things based on personal info you could find out if you internet stalked me. I was actually quite devastated to hear all this. I pushed him for this friend’s details and it turns out that it wasn’t an old friend of his, but another woman he had met online and had been dating. She had never met me and I’d never heard of her. He told me he told her that he couldn’t see her anymore because he had met someone and gave her all my details. They looked up my Linked In profile together… Absolutely appalling behaviour by him.

I’m reeling from the idea that someone would say these things about someone she’s never met. I’ve skimmed over it but they are really hurtful nasty things that she’s invented. I’ve never come across anything like it. He defended her, saying she had was in her 40s and had never had a serious relationship and after several miscarriages was looking for a sperm donor and he had offered.

This was drip fed to me after a lot of lying. Then it turns out this woman has called my work (an international bank) to reach out to former colleagues of hers to pass on terrible things about me.

Clearly he has stirred up a lot of trouble and deserved to be binned. But what about her? Is this crazy behaviour or what? I feel I can’t just leave it.

Am I being unreasonable to want to hold her to account for calling my work and making about blatant lies about me?

Totally missing the point here but anyone that mentioned marriage to me within weeks would never see me again.

Run

Sadly it is real. He gave me her name, and the name of the man she called at my work. I suspect the call was to gain some information and also bad mouth me. I don’t know this man but apparently he confirmed me and my whole team are lazy paper pushers. Mortified. I raised it with my line manager who was sympathetic and suspicious of this creep from Bumble.

I did speak to my manager.

I have blocked both of them on Linked In. My social media is set to private and he’s not on Facebook or Instagram, so she’s looked at the public cover photos to get information (which is pretty scant so she has invented everything). I honestly think he contributed massively to this and has done this deliberately.

He told me this woman’s name, told me where she works and where she lives (all HK so irrelevant to me) and showed me photos of her. No doubt he did the same with my details, and as people said, this is his way of trying to get 2 women to fight over him.

I'm just floored by this. I’ve never come across anything like it.

I have done, thank you.

I think of them sitting there together going through my Linked In - it is absolutely deranged! She works in HR, so that concerns me a lot.

I agree. I feel he is dangerous too. I feel quite sick about it all.

I agree, I do think he is very dangerous. I can’t believe I’ve met someone like this.

You should find her address and send her a huge bouquet of gorgeous flowers because she saved you from this man.

I don't mean that literally of course but thank fuck she's as weird as he is or you might never have got rid of him.

Don't forget to ensure he's not tracking your location or similar. He sounds awful and as others have said getting him out your life is vital. Forget the 'other woman'. She's an irrelevance compared to this.

“unless he’s the sort of nasty bastard that delights in making people feel utterly shit?”

I think this is the key here. And goodness knows what the man she apparently called thinks, if it’s even true that she called him. I think she did as the creep gave me his name and I looked him up and he exists.

I find the whole thing so hard to get my head around - some random man getting calls about from some woman I’ve never met. None of these people know me, know my work, or know any of my friends or family. It feels all very screwed up.

Thank you, that’s very kind.

He does know where I live but his ex wife has made so many police reports against him that I think he would be hesitant to do anything to get another one from another woman. (Yes, more giant red flags - this all happened very quickly and yes, the answer is to block and remove myself from the situation as so many people have said.)

They both sound as mad as a box of frogs. What sort of man discusses his girlfriend with some random bunnyboiler looking for a sperm donor?

And definitely stalker-territory on her part. I'd dump and block.

Slow down, enjoy being on your own for a while. Be more careful and take more care of yourself.

She doesn’t work at the same company as me.

It’s completely bizarre behaviour, I agree. He said it stems from her desperation to have a baby and inability to find a man to do it with. I suspect these are fears he has capitalised on and manipulated her into acting out. I don’t know. I just really fear them both.

Thank you. This is exactly right. I really feel it has had a hugely negative impact on my mental health.

I reached out to a counsellor for him because I thought he needed help managing his “narcissistic” ex wife. Can you believe it? Such an idiot. The counsellor spoke to me for an hour and suggested I take up therapy myself as it’s not my role to try and arrange it for someone else, and I really need support to exit this situation and work through why I was able to be manipulated into it in the first place. She thinks he sound like he is exhibiting narcissistic behaviours himself…

Re the sperm donor thing - So he says. He showed me text messages where she is angrily saying “You are the one who offered to make a donation!” So he has no respect for her privacy or anything else that went on between them. It’s all just worse than the worst horror movie.

I absolutely do not want to continue being in contact with this man. And I doubt it’s just one woman.

Thank you. I do think this woman is very real, but he has orchestrated this entire thing. I agree, it’s a game for him.

I think you are right about her too - it’s her play for him. And she is absolutely welcome to him.

I can’t believe people like this exist. I have never in my life come across anything like it.

As soon as I read the OP I thought that she doesn't exist and he's not only stalking you online but also some random woman in order to set this up, or just invented her entirely, more likely. Glad so many others thought the same but it's worrying that you didn't. And then, even if she were real, you still thought she needed holding to account instead of him, even though he's the one you're dating and tricked you into meeting the kids etc?

I don't mean that in a rude or critical way, but it's a sign that you may not be ready to date yet because your picker is off. As you say yourself, you're very vulnerable right now.

I don’t have a subscription, but I have blocked them both.

I agree - I do think he has serious mental health problems

Thanks - but it’s information about who attended my wedding etc. things you would see in a photo

I think you are right - my picker is off. And I understand now some people look for those going through significant life changes (like divorce) as easy pickings.

To be very clear - I am not dating him anymore. He was binned. The question about holding her to account is because she not only made up some very nasty s d hurtful lies about me, but contacted my work in an effort to discredit me. I’m a stranger to her!

Thank you. Very sensible.

He did prey on me. Even suggested I stop work and live off him… !!!! I knew it was over very early on. I just can’t believe so much weirdness can manifest in such a short time!

No, that’s an excellent point. It’s love bombing. That should have been my clue to get out! It’s these first red flags the we ignore that lead to bigger trouble. If I’d walked away then, I wouldn’t be in this mess now.

I bet you this woman doesn't even exist! Break up with him.and block him everywhere. You know better than to hang out with crazies, you can do better. Tell your boss that an ex keeps making trouble, so to expect phone calls/emails from himnpretwnding to be other people etc.

OP have you actually confirmed with the man at your work that this “woman” called him? I doubt she exists at all. Crazy Bumble man has fabricated the whole thing, most likely, including her online profiles.