Am I being unreasonable to want to hold this woman to account?

[VickyPollard25]

I met a man on Bumble. He pushed me into a relationship pretty quickly (a matter of weeks and he was wanting to get married). I was mid-divorce and would usually be stronger and have my wits about me, but was quite vulnerable with all that was going on. He ambushed me into meeting his kids - ie. Date at his place and suddenly they turn up unexpectedly to me (they don’t live at his home as they are older - he is much older than me). So many red flags and I felt unsettled. Out of the blue he goes to Hong Kong for work. He messages me a strange message saying he suddenly feels very protective of me. It was odd. He gets back and tells me he caught up with an “old friend” who says she knows me and warned him about me. Apparently she had a lot of terrible things to say, hence him feeling protective. 🙄 He tells me she says I am from the wrong side of the tracks (my parents are dirt poor, I went to the wrong schools and a bad university, etc), I have no friends and my job is a joke. This is a summary - she also commented on things based on personal info you could find out if you internet stalked me. I was actually quite devastated to hear all this. I pushed him for this friend’s details and it turns out that it wasn’t an old friend of his, but another woman he had met online and had been dating. She had never met me and I’d never heard of her. He told me he told her that he couldn’t see her anymore because he had met someone and gave her all my details. They looked up my Linked In profile together… Absolutely appalling behaviour by him.

I’m reeling from the idea that someone would say these things about someone she’s never met. I’ve skimmed over it but they are really hurtful nasty things that she’s invented. I’ve never come across anything like it. He defended her, saying she had was in her 40s and had never had a serious relationship and after several miscarriages was looking for a sperm donor and he had offered.

This was drip fed to me after a lot of lying. Then it turns out this woman has called my work (an international bank) to reach out to former colleagues of hers to pass on terrible things about me.

Clearly he has stirred up a lot of trouble and deserved to be binned. But what about her? Is this crazy behaviour or what? I feel I can’t just leave it.

Am I being unreasonable to want to hold her to account for calling my work and making about blatant lies about me?

What a lucky escape you’ve had OP

However someone so manipulative and cruel may still want to hurt you even from afar, so use your imagination and think of possible weak points so you can protect yourself.

Eg at work give both his and her name to your manager or HR and say they are trying to attack your professional reputation (defamation etc) - just in case he does just that and makes some kind of allegation. Better to cover your back.

I doubt she even exists. Tell him it's not working for you and delete him.

Agree with what’s everyone else said but also why are you even on dating apps? You’re clearly not ready and don’t need the drama in the middle of your divorce. And saying ‘he pushed me’ into a relationship with him? You are accountable for your own actions so definitely take the time to look at why you jumped head first into a relationship with a bloke you’d only just met and knew nothing about. This is really important if you have young children as it suggests you lack boundaries and judgement.

This is insane. I also think this woman doesn't exist. OP it sounds like you still believe she's real - can you specify what makes you think that? Because all of the things you say she has done/information she has (eg the name of the person you work with) is information this man could have found for himself.

Even though she doesn't work at your company I'd report both names to HR and brief on what's happened. So they can be aware in case any malicious rumours are spread or any further calls etc. This is to protect you

He’s lied to you and manipulated you from day one. Why are you so determined to believe him now? Yes, she exists. But all you’ve got to prove that she made up anything about you is his word. And how much is his word worth?

I think they were probably talking on line and she distanced herself as soon as she realised he was mental. He’s then used her name to try and destabilise you. He may well use your name to destabilise the next poor woman he meets.

This is bizarre.
How do you know his ex went to the police about him? Is this something he’s told you?
I would let HR know you potentially have a stalking situation and I’d also call police to seek advice.
I would either tighten up all social media or deactivate it. I can understand you enjoying dating. but I think this shows you you’re not ready for all the madness that can come with it if your screening sensors are off.
Sorry if I missed it, do you kids? Have you told them?

So strange. Like threatening you with reputational damage and career damage via a 'crazy woman.'

I honestly think the best thing you can do, as others have said, is to lock down your social media settings, report him to dating site and block him completely so he can't find you again. He is either unhinged or out for money.

And this is just insane.

Someone in your company received a phone call from a complete stranger and disclosed that you and your team were lazy paper pushers? Yeah, that definitely never happened. I mean, I don’t doubt he told you that it had happened, but I don’t believe for a second that it did.

Sounds like a made-for-Netflix drama from start to finish to me.

Sounds more like to me that the other woman is his long term girlfriend, especially as this all came to light when he went to Hong Kong. He was getting in first with the “crazy stalker story”. Who knows what he was telling her about you. You only have his word about what she said about you, baring in mind he’s a proven manipulative liar.

Your man is insane, controlling abusive and weird. There is no way this woman exists. He can’t give you details because he made her up. He wants to lower your self esteem to control you, while pretending to be on your side at the same time. So transparent.

I’m pretty certain that woman never existed, OP, and that it was ALL a fabrication of that total weirdo man you dated.

That’s exactly what I was thinking! The original post gave me a cold chill. If you’re not engaging with him in any way then it’s likely he’s got bored and moved on by now. You could waste a lot of your mental resources trying to understand him and his motivations and it will never make sense because he’s not normal. Your therapist sounds very sensible. Even the strongest women are destabilised going through a break up. That plus a lack of solid boundaries and a willingness to give second chances makes you very vulnerable to this sort of abuse. If you really are out of this then you have dodged a bullet. It really hurts, but see it as an amazing opportunity for personal growth x

You don't know this woman and haven't met her so her opinion of you is worth nothing. She is obviously jealous of you as she has been dumped. But I agree with people saying this woman probably doesn't exist. He sounds like one to avoid at all costs. Actually he sounds more than a bit unhinged.

My first thought is that she doesn't exist and it's all him. Just block and delete and don't give it any more head space.

If she’s even real, which I doubt, and I agree with a pp who did he’s invented her, it says everything about her, and nothing about you. Someone like that would not change because you held her to account, and it would cause you more stress in the meantime.
Prioritise your mental health and remove yourself from the situation completely.

None can push you into a relationship, you are a grown woman I presume so own your decisions it is no one else's fault, that may help you make better future decisions

I suspect he is love bombing you and this is all made up for you to be in his debt. You don't know her if she exists. Deal with the one you know which is him. Block him.

I thought you could see who looks at your LinkedIn - they leave a trail.

This sounds completely batshit insane and I’d block him and tell him that any more crap you go to the police and report him for harassment. I’d be surprised if the woman was real - I think he’s a psycho trying to mess with your mind.

I’m sorry that this has happened to you, OP. I know someone just like this man and I believe that the other woman does exist. The man I know used to work in a similar way - instigate drama to keep women fighting for him.

Drama Triangulation

Absolutely keep him blocked on all channels. I have seen the absolute carnage these types of situations cause. It also fits perfectly with the whole love bombing angle.

I very much doubt this is real. Unless you have e actually spoken to this man at your work who decided to have a conversation with a random on the phone about another employee. I think you have been brainwashed a bit by all of this. It's just crazy. None of this bullshit can hurt you if you get strong and see it for what it is. An attempt to control you. Just lock everything down and block everywhere. Do not answer unrecognised numbers either. Forget it and move on. Be more careful who you speak to online In the future. See the red flags as soon as a s they appear.

This sounds crazy! You need to run for the hills. Whether she is real or he has fabricated this whole situation, you don't need a man like this in your life ever!

Thank you so much. I’ll heed this advice.