Am I being unreasonable to want to hold this woman to account?

[VickyPollard25]

I met a man on Bumble. He pushed me into a relationship pretty quickly (a matter of weeks and he was wanting to get married). I was mid-divorce and would usually be stronger and have my wits about me, but was quite vulnerable with all that was going on. He ambushed me into meeting his kids - ie. Date at his place and suddenly they turn up unexpectedly to me (they don’t live at his home as they are older - he is much older than me). So many red flags and I felt unsettled. Out of the blue he goes to Hong Kong for work. He messages me a strange message saying he suddenly feels very protective of me. It was odd. He gets back and tells me he caught up with an “old friend” who says she knows me and warned him about me. Apparently she had a lot of terrible things to say, hence him feeling protective. 🙄 He tells me she says I am from the wrong side of the tracks (my parents are dirt poor, I went to the wrong schools and a bad university, etc), I have no friends and my job is a joke. This is a summary - she also commented on things based on personal info you could find out if you internet stalked me. I was actually quite devastated to hear all this. I pushed him for this friend’s details and it turns out that it wasn’t an old friend of his, but another woman he had met online and had been dating. She had never met me and I’d never heard of her. He told me he told her that he couldn’t see her anymore because he had met someone and gave her all my details. They looked up my Linked In profile together… Absolutely appalling behaviour by him.

I’m reeling from the idea that someone would say these things about someone she’s never met. I’ve skimmed over it but they are really hurtful nasty things that she’s invented. I’ve never come across anything like it. He defended her, saying she had was in her 40s and had never had a serious relationship and after several miscarriages was looking for a sperm donor and he had offered.

This was drip fed to me after a lot of lying. Then it turns out this woman has called my work (an international bank) to reach out to former colleagues of hers to pass on terrible things about me.

Clearly he has stirred up a lot of trouble and deserved to be binned. But what about her? Is this crazy behaviour or what? I feel I can’t just leave it.

Am I being unreasonable to want to hold her to account for calling my work and making about blatant lies about me?

Speak to the police. Ask to have this logged against him and that you're concerned for your safety. His behaviour is not that of a good man.

Having been stalked by a crazy woman I can believe this. They even got hold of my medical records.

She is not the issue here (if she even exists - I'd bet money she doesn't).

HE is the issue, and I was cringing from the first few sentences - total love-bombing, narcissistic behaviour.

I’m sorry but there is nothing to report yet. If he starts to stalk or harrass the OP she absolutely needs to log it but right now the police can’t do anything. I would recommend that the slander attempts at work get documented properly in case the OP needs this as evidence along the line.

Ok, so a woman in Hong Kong exists. Fine.

You haven't had any contact with her OR the man at your workplace, so you only have crazy ex's word for it that these two people have ever even heard of each other...

...much less A called B, & B cheerfully confirmed to 'total stranger in HK' A that yes, this colleague he'd never interacted with & her whole team were 'lazy paper pushers'.

This sounds a bit improbable.

& crazy bloke is probably quite sharp enough to know you won't seek to verify it, because if you contact A or A's employers in HK, she'll just say she's never heard of Mr Crazy/you/your colleague B & has no idea what you're raving about - which would probably be the simple truth.

& if you go to your own HR, again B will say he's never heard of or spoken to A in Hong Kong/has no knowledge of or opinion on your professional performance - which is also probably the simple truth.

So you'd look gullible & paranoid to your employer.

So you're highly unlikely to do that.

The bugger's gaslighting you.

He's almost certainly pulled both A & B's details off LinkedIn, stalked their SM a bit & never had any direct contact with either.

He already has a police record. This should be added to it. They dont need to DO anything except log it. That's all the police do now anyway...and all I suggested that they do.

So sorry you are going through this @VickyPollard25.

I believe this woman exists - I had a similar one come after me because she was one of the many women my ex was cheating with me on. She was desperate for him to leave me so used her ‘professional skills’ as a ‘therapist’ to diagnose me with several mental illnesses and mocked me for them to show him how much better she is.

She ‘won’ him long enough for him to make an absolute fool of her so in your shoes I would leave her to it - your line manager is aware and any other efforts from her to cause trouble at work will make her look like a head case.

Online dating is the Wild West sadly - maybe take some time out to recalibrate and work on boundaries. Even the best of us get caught out by these drama seeking lunatics. Until you’ve met one it’s hard to believe there are grown adults out there who behave like this and revel in it.

And as for the crazy who came after me, she posts on here quite regularly and recognisably and is very keen to show she’s all about supporting women and the sisterhood. For the record, Claire, you are no sister (and no therapist) and I have the screenshots to prove it.

OP you don't know if they've contacted anyone at work. All you know is that he mentioned a name and that person is real. Doesn't mean anyone actually contacted that person.
I think you definitely need to talk to a therapist because you still seem to be caught up in the fake drama he's created.

But what do you expect them to log at this stage? That he love bombed the OP and maybe contacted her workplace? The best thing the OP can do is to keep a cool head and ensure that he is cut off everywhere.

You are right. I really should thank her!

I actually think she is a victim too, despite her vileness towards me. I can’t imagine having fertility issues weaponised against me. That’s very low.

He's a nutcase. I don't think the woman is even real.

As PP said, not your monkeys, not your circus!🎪

Thank you.

I have given his name to security. My manager suggested that when I told her about it. How very embarrassing. I have ordered some security cameras for home too, and he is blocked on everything possible.

This whole thing has had me start therapy. You are right.

Thank you so much. It’s so nice to hear from someone who gets it. There really are some nutters out there.

BTW - I know of a crazy Claire who became a therapist! I wonder if it’s the same one! Fortunately I’ve never had much to do with her, but have heard a lot!

He has spent the night in prison. The local police where they live have him on their radar. I will file a report to add to the record, it may help someone else one day.

What?! That’s truly frightening. I’m so sorry that happened to you. How on earth did they manage to get hold of your medical records?

Thanks . You are right about no dating.

Exactly this.

I do think she exists because he showed me a bunch of what’s app messages between them. She seems very desperate.

But now you’ve made me think. What if he created a fake person and it’s all some massive mindf*ck? It didn’t occur to me that someone would just make all this up. This guy is in his 50s!!!!

@VickyPollard25 - oh wow! If the one you’ve heard of is Suffolk based, could be the same one!

Portrays herself as a kind, ordinary mum trying to be a better ally and example of good to everyone, til there’s a man involved, then loses her mind! Fond of offering naked yoga sessions to men to heal their trauma!

It won't hurt to make them aware that he's "operating" again. As you say, it might give other women a chance. Patterns of behaviour are looked at when things escalate.
I really hope you are safe, OP.

Edited.

Listen to Queen of the Con podcasts. She had loads of fake Google accounts and would receive whatsapps etc all the time from other people to help build trust with her marks. Those accounts all turned put to be her own.

The crazy woman may very well exist, but it is not impossible le for your ex to be faking it too

He could be using 2 phones to make it look like a conversation. My ex mad neighbour did this. She ended up in prison ( long story). Definitely report this.

Fuck all that for a bunch of monkeys.

Dump him asap. You're an adult woman. Life is too short for this sort of batshittery.