He stayed out to help a lady get home safe… AIBU or is DH?

[SoulSissss]

DH went out for “a couple of drinks” at 2.00pm. He text me at 5.30 and said that he’d be having another couple of drinks. He then messaged at 7.30 told me he would be home at 8.30 and also told me that his battery was at 1%. However, he then bumped into a lady he knows, who asked him to make sure she got home safe. She was drunk but not paralytic. It’s hard to access taxis in the place we live. He text me to tell me this at 9.15.

So our children stayed awake to get their goodnight kiss from daddy, but I had to tell them that unfortunately thing had changed and daddy wouldn’t be able to be home in time.

DH has just got home just after 10.00 and explained that the lady was upset about her marriage and wouldn’t stop talking to him about it. He said he felt he couldn’t leave her incase something happened to her. I totally understand that but explained that it’s not his job to babysit an adult. He could have explained that he would be leaving and could make sure she got home okay if she left now. I then said that DD was upset (suspected neurodivergent) that he wasn’t home. He said he tried for ages to get her to leave but it was difficult.

He then completely deflected and said, well if DD was so upset, why didn’t I phone him. I explained that I knew he was on 1% battery ages before hand and we had been waiting expecting him to come through the door any minute. He said “so you knew I planned to be home at 8.30 and when I still wasn’t home at 9.15 you weren’t even concerned for my safety???” I explained again, I didn’t think his phone would even possibly still be on at that time and that no, I wasn’t concerned for his safety! He began smirking and rolling his eyes.

I told him that I’m really upset at how he is speaking to me and I’d be happy if he just left the house. I think he is being completely out of order. But maybe it’s me?

I know I’ve given specific timings for messages. I’m not actually that anal about stuff, but I want to share an actuate timeline so that you get the full picture.

AIBU??

Wonder if that ‘poor man’ would stay out late helping anyone vulnerable getting home or does his criteria only specify drunken recently divorced women who need comforting?

How tedious.
And the drinking session, well, DH must have liver of steel.
YANBU.

I'd be most angry about the fact that he went out of his way to help an acquaintance but didn't give a shit when you were stranded on your own. No way I'd let that discrepancy go.

He wasn’t helping her, and some could say that to a degree he was enabling her to carry on drinking and get into a worse state.
If he truly wanted to help, he should have said something like ‘listen [woman name], I’m driving home now as [OP’s wife’s name] and I have plans tomorrow and I can’t make this a late one, did you need me to drop you back or are you alright to make your own plans?’

Yes, quite. Amazing how these men never find fat middle aged men or old ugly women who need saving.

Hope he wasn’t driving if he’d been drinking since 2 pm..

A husband with White Knight Syndrome is a tiresome thing.

So your DH repeatedly chose to stay in the pub drinking and then thought it was a good idea to try to blame a known goer for keeping him there? Sorry but the pessimist in me knows the best way to hide a lie is to base it at least partly in truth. The "staying to keep her safe" is very much meant to divert your attention from the fact that he made a choice to stay out drinking with another woman instead of coming home like he was supposed to. Are you sure he was even at the pub?

So if he wasn’t driving, walk home or book a taxi together but the principal is the same

I have a friend who turns into the most annoying and unreasonable person when she has been drinking. She too refuses to go home then and it was always very very difficult to get her home but we always preserved. One time she was out with a friend who left her on her own and she got raped. So yes, I will always see a drunk and upset person as vulnerable.

See maybe I’m the odd one out but I definitely would have at least tried to ring my husband if he wasn’t home 45 mins after I was expecting him and I know he definitely would have tried to ring me if I wasn’t home 45 mins later than expected, even it I thought his phone might b dead I would have tried on the chance it had lasted

The bloke had a night out - big deal! He wasn’t even home late!

do you never go out with your pals OP?

@AllIThinkAbourIsKarma

you sound like you might be a victim blamer,

alcohol doesn’t rape people. Rapists rape people.

and everyone had times when the alcohol has hit them a bit hard for whatever reason, everyone.

This

What phone has he got where 1% battery lasts 45 mins? I want one!
Naah he’s chanced his arm with another woman and then deflected it so you were in the wrong.

The woman hasn't been a victim of anything!

I actually think it's really insulting when people assume I can't look after myself just because I'm a woman. Even if I have had a drink, I'm perfectly capable of getting myself home safely, without some poor sap deserting his wife and children to do it.

@PotNoodleNancy

lol

there are plenty of women who like day drinking too - why do you think bottomless brunches are so popular?!

people - men and women- allowed to drink you know - even when they become parents! You don’t need to be tee total to be a good parent!

@Puffinfoot

he didn’t dessert his wife. He was home at 10pm, ffs!

After going out for the afternoon. Absolutely fine if he'd gone out for the day and everyone knew he wouldn't be back until after bedtime, but he was expected home, even complained that she wasn't worried when he didn't turn up as expected.

Quite. I'm not sure I'm believing his story but you know him and I don't 🤷🏻‍♀️

That’s truly very sad to hear.

None of this would bother me. If my DP thought it was important to help this woman I would accept this. I know that he would only prioritise someone else over us if it was necessary. This morning make sure your DD with possible ND gets an age appropriate explanation and reassurance that do not happen as we expect can turn out OK.

he is a con artist

OP I have been around the block a few times and, hand on heart, I can say you are Being Played.