He stayed out to help a lady get home safe… AIBU or is DH?

[SoulSissss]

DH went out for “a couple of drinks” at 2.00pm. He text me at 5.30 and said that he’d be having another couple of drinks. He then messaged at 7.30 told me he would be home at 8.30 and also told me that his battery was at 1%. However, he then bumped into a lady he knows, who asked him to make sure she got home safe. She was drunk but not paralytic. It’s hard to access taxis in the place we live. He text me to tell me this at 9.15.

So our children stayed awake to get their goodnight kiss from daddy, but I had to tell them that unfortunately thing had changed and daddy wouldn’t be able to be home in time.

DH has just got home just after 10.00 and explained that the lady was upset about her marriage and wouldn’t stop talking to him about it. He said he felt he couldn’t leave her incase something happened to her. I totally understand that but explained that it’s not his job to babysit an adult. He could have explained that he would be leaving and could make sure she got home okay if she left now. I then said that DD was upset (suspected neurodivergent) that he wasn’t home. He said he tried for ages to get her to leave but it was difficult.

He then completely deflected and said, well if DD was so upset, why didn’t I phone him. I explained that I knew he was on 1% battery ages before hand and we had been waiting expecting him to come through the door any minute. He said “so you knew I planned to be home at 8.30 and when I still wasn’t home at 9.15 you weren’t even concerned for my safety???” I explained again, I didn’t think his phone would even possibly still be on at that time and that no, I wasn’t concerned for his safety! He began smirking and rolling his eyes.

I told him that I’m really upset at how he is speaking to me and I’d be happy if he just left the house. I think he is being completely out of order. But maybe it’s me?

I know I’ve given specific timings for messages. I’m not actually that anal about stuff, but I want to share an actuate timeline so that you get the full picture.

AIBU??

Just to throw in another point for the OP to raise. If this woman was truly so vulnerable, I wouldn’t want my husband being left alone with her. He’s put himself into a vulnerable position as someone so drunk may have blackouts.. and then raise questions or throw accusations when piecing back events.

I almost wish we all together could go to op’s place and explain all our points to her husband. 😂

@Puffinfoot

so?? So long as he doesn’t pester OP and harangue her if she comes home after being out later than expected what really is the issue?

You don't think it's unreasonable that his (ND) daughter was expecting him and he didn't show?

She stopped drinking afterwards

What if someone has a heart attack in the street for example? would you be ok with your husband staying with them to phone ambulance etc or would you expect him to walk past them so he could home to you and the kids when he said he would be?

@Puffinfoot

surely after a certain point op could have just put her to bed at usual time explaining that dad would give her a good night kiss when she was asleep or whatever? It won’t be the first time and it won’t be the last time that he or op won’t be home at the time they thought they would be for whatever reason.

Don't be ridiculous.

The fact is the man is lying, or do you believe:

-His phone did stay on 1% for nearly 2 hours
-He was the only one who could possibly have helped this poor drunk broken hearted woman
-He was really upset that DW didn't try to contact him when he was late, despite him having told her he'd be uncontactable.
-He prioritised said broken hearted woman over his DD just because he's a good chap.

Of course she could have done, and she did, but what message is he sending to any DD, even one who doesn't openly show she's upset, by saying staying in the pub was more important to him than being home as promised?

How would this woman he "bumped in to" have got home if he hadn't been there? To me it sounds bizarre that if he started drinking at 2 he wasn't home by 6. The wanting to be a night in shining armour stuff sounds like a lie especially as he got a lift home from some other bloke who she could have just asked instead although I think women should be self sufficient and not rely on random men in pubs to escort them home.

The "bumped into" is also off. It might be normal(ish) for men to drink alone, but how often do you see woman in the pub alone? Who had she gone there with and why didn't they stay with her?

I'm not a clingy person. I often go out for a full day and evening of drinking and I'd have no problem with DH doing it, but we'd both know that was the plan beforehand, and neither of us would make up such a cock and bull story to excuse it. That's the issue, not that he was out for several hours.

The dh didn't know the child was waiting up for him though, as far as I can tell from op's posts that was her choice.

Are you seriously saying parents of ND children are not allowed out past dc bedtime?

No, I'm saying all parents should turn up when they said they would, except in an emergency, which is obviously how he's tried to paint this, but it clearly isn't.

Why would DH not know DD was expecting him, when he said he'd be home and the usual routine is for him to kiss her goodnight, which he knows is important to her?

I can smell the bullshit from here. He's lying.

@SoulSissss
what made me really upset is he began quizzing me on why I wasn’t checking on him since he wasn’t home when he said he would be.

I have to say this made me immediately suspicious. Also the fact that he was joking around about it. These were the tactics used by my ex in order to deflect attention from what he had done and to try to turn the whole thing into something much more lighthearted and funny.

He could have told the drunken woman I will take you home if you go now as I need to get home as well, but he didn't. I can't help feeling that the 'he was great waiting until she wanted to go home' brigade are totally naiive. Of course he should not have ditched his responsibilities to his wife and children, in order to stay out late himself to make sure that she got home OK.

You’d be a fool to be taken in by all his bullshit. He’s been up to no good and now turning it round on you for not checking he’s okay. Can you see that OP.

Also what happened to the people he'd gone drinking with at 2pm? They suddenly vanished and it was just him and a drunk woman at 8.30pm on a light summer evening in a pub and he couldn't possibly leave her but had to stay and drink for another hour? He wasn't driving anyway . There was obviously this mutual male friend with a car and him then trying to play the damsel in distress card with being all "poor me" about you not phoning the police or whatever he expected when a bloke with a flat battery on his mobile is late home.

Agreed.

It all sounds very suspicious.

Why did he go for a drink at 2pm alone on a Friday?

Then prepping you by saying she had ulterior motives.

If I was out drinking alone (which I wouldn't be, but for argument's sake) and a man I vaguely know came up tomme with ulterior motives, I wouldn't drink with him for 2 hours & pretend my phone had 1% battery, then come home and start trying to turn things around on my husband.

not 45 mins, 1hr 45 (message saying it's at 1% at 7.30, then another text at 9.15!
as many others have said, this is completely implausible. At 1% my phone is seconds away from dying, even if you put it on flight mode it wouldn't stay on for another 2 hours. Besides which it's hardly as if it goes from 50 to 1% immediately, you'd think he'd have noticed when it was at 15% or whatever and taken steps to conserve the battery then.

He was planning to stay out much later by 7.30, and didn't want you to phone and nag him. Whether that was because he just wanted a few drinks with his mates, or something more dubious, who knows.

Where's it say he was out drinking alone?

I'm sorry but that is typical "im a good guy trapped by a harlot" bullshit excuse. He's telling you that he was in with a chance but turned it down. Why do women readily believe this about other women when we've had experiences of men/boys who've said they've shagged someone they haven't?
As said he's using DARVO and has wanted a reason why he was in her company incase someone says something. For all we know her friend has stepped in, because your DH wasn't leaving. I'd be keen open mind on what's gone on, but not in his favour given that he's left you previously stranded.

Ugh the misogyny. Her reputation is irrelevant because OP’s husband is responsible for his own behaviour. Either OP trusts her husband or she doesn’t. If the latter then this thread is about that and the reasons he is untrustworthy ( not what time in the afternoon he came home and whether he gave the kids a goodnight kiss).

It's not mysogynistic to point out that certain behaviours will gain you a reputation. People aren't blind. There is also a man here who does very similar - he also has a reputation.

Her reputation is not irrelevant. Op's husband staying out drinking late with a woman who is around his age, known for being a bit risque, has made it clear she fancies him, he wants to see her home, he lies about his phone being on 1% (ie. setting the scene for going awol)

.....completely different to Op's husband trying to get 90 year old Jim home safely.