Is DN rude or is this ok?

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Just back from dinner at the in law’s house - PILs, DH, DDs, BIL, SIL & DN.
As per usual, DN (7 years old) did not say hi or bye, answer any of our questions, or say a single word to DH or me.
We see her and her family and PILs regularly, usually for monthly Sunday lunches. So of course when we arrive at such an occasion DH and I always say hi to her, and we might ask how she is or ask how’s school or compliment her necklace/skirt/socks… usual stuff. She doesn’t reply. She looks at us but won’t respond. Then her mum or dad answer on her behalf. (PILs answer for her if they aren’t there).
She doesn’t come across as shy. She goes to drama clubs and by all accounts has plenty of friends. She gets on very well with our DDs and they play together running around having a great time. She talks to her parents and PILs without any bother.
Last month they came to our house for lunch. I offered her a drink and she didn’t answer so BIL said “Katy, tell Auntie what you’d like to drink” and she didn’t say anything so he said “she’ll have some milk”. I tried to ask her what she liked out of the food I’d made and she didn’t answer so MIL told me what to serve, DN corrected her (“I don’t want carrots nanny”) so MIL then told me “no carrots actually” even though we are all in the same room.
I find it strange! Even dare I say rude?! I teach for a living so I’m used to talking to kids, and DH is great with kids and very popular with our friends children (and our own 😆). I can’t think why she is like this with me and DH and supposedly with no one else. There’s no back story, we have been her auntie and uncle since birth, send cards and gifts for every birthday and Christmas, invite her to our parties. When we see we always try to engage her in conversation, but I don’t think we are pushy. We don’t tell her off or anything. We don’t show any annoyance or frustration that she ignores us (as it’s DH side of the family I don’t feel bold enough to call out the behaviour or say anything direct). She and my kids play so lovely that spending time with them all is very nice from that perspective.
DH just says “who cares” about it all, but I’m inclined to think her DPs and DGPs should be firmer with her. Sometimes I wonder if she’s trying to be cute and coy, but if so I don’t get why she’s doing it with us! I keep thinking if it was my daughter and no valid reason for the behaviour l I wouldn’t ‘help’ her by answering for her.
Would this bother you?

I would find it weird and annoying. Probably wouldn’t say anything though.

Seems rude to me.

I'd have given her nothing to drink and a plate full of carrots and if anyone said anything I'd tell them that unless and until (exceedingly rude) DN spoke directly to me I'd continue to give her exactly what i think she might want.

I would stop engaging with her - she obviously doesn’t want to, so let her crack on. Life is too short for that nonsense. Perhaps there’s a reason for it, bur if there isn’t, her parents are rude to not correct her.

I think it doesn't matter, it isn't your child .

You see her regularly, usually once a month?

Her behaviour is rude and I would expect her to at least say hi/bye whether that was vocally or with some type of polite gesture and answer some basic questions if she were my child, however, something had to have happen in her mind for her not to speak to either you and your DH, but happy to speak to everyone else.

Perhaps, she finds you both intimidating for some reason. Or, she may have heard something from other family members when you’re not around and it has put something in her mind. Have you not asked her parents or the in-laws about it?

”Hiya, I’ve noticed DN doesn’t really greet me or talk to me. Is there something I have done to upset her in some way that I am unaware of?•

Why don’t you ask your BIL and SIL. She might suffer from situational mutism instead.

I have had many conversations with my children about saying hello to people and being polite. Hello costs nothing - rude child and rude parents

I'd probably say something when an adult tried to answer for her - "I'm sure Katie can tell me herself, can't you Katie?" Or try for some non-verbal responses out of her, like "nod your head if you'd like a glass of milk?"

Very rude. She sounds spoilt and precious tbh. Be glad your own children have better manners.

Is she neurodivergent?

So anyone who isn't your child is allowed to be rude to you, becausevthey're not your child? I can be rude to anyone who isn't my mum or dad, and that's OK?

She just sounds like she is shy around adults, some children are. I was like this as a child but loved reading aloud at school, performing in assembly etc. You say she plays with your children nicely so I’d just leave her be.

As an adult I have no issues conversing!

My niece and a family friend I've known since a baby are both like this. I look after them both without their parents and they're not much more communicative when their parents are not there.

I just carry on as if they have replied. I can usually wring a yes or no out of them if I'm preparing food. I hear 2nd hand that they both really like staying with me. 😅

They (her DPs and DGPs) tend to say things like “has the cat got your tongue, Katy? Are you not talking today, Katy? Katy, did you not hear Uncle’s question?”
I don’t think they’ve ever addressed it directly with us, and I’m cautious not to make a big deal of it as they’re not my relatives and naturally dote on her.
I feel wholly confident there isn’t a reason such as us inadvertently insulted her along the way, as I’m sure they’d have told DH even if not me. They act as if she’s had a bout of shyness and I get kids can be shy but this is family, not random strangers.

Completely ignore it - she will grow out of it.

some kids are just really shy around adults (different with peers)

Just because you don’t know the valid reason for her behavior doesn’t meant there’s not a valid reason for her behavior.

If you love her, love her anyway, ‘faults’ and all.

You may well be intimidating to her without you being aware of it. She may have social anxiety bubbling away. She might not have found her confidence yet. She might have a diagnosis family aren’t willing to share.

As you are the adult in the relationship, all you can change is how you interact with her. if you’re not sure what changes you could make to increase her comfort level, you could ask her parents if there are changes you could make to the way you interact with her that would make her more comfortable. You might find some more information that will help you both move towards the relationship you’re hoping for.

Could she be autistic? Sounds like selective mutism, where there is extreme anxiety in talking to people outside of immediate family / very close friends.

My DD12 does Stagecoach, sings, dances and acts - but tell an adult what she'd like? No chance- she hides!
Not rude, she situationally shy.

My daughter ( who is admittedly a bit younger) is just like this. She’s full of confidence at home, has lots of friends and isn’t shy with them but for some reason just absolutely cannot talk to grownups! She’s always been the same and we have a star chart to encourage her to say hello to the teacher in the morning and ask questions etc which seems to be working well. It’s just a form of social anxiety. I think give her a break or maybe ask her parents about it and voice your concerns as a teacher rather than just say it’s rude.

Mutism is really awkward ime. Because it’s offensive and impracticable it’s irritating but you can’t let that show cos the silence could be an anxiety disorder & you worry about freaking the child out.

The disorder is taken much more seriously than it used to be cos it’s a red flag for serious mental illness in adulthood.

I would try and find out - delicately - if DN speaks at school. If she does, heave a sigh of relief and ignore, she’ll grow out of it.

If she doesn’t, the school should intervene with psych help.

Either way, it’s not personal.

My 15 year old is like this. Maybe after an hour or two he might warm up enough to give you some very short answers.

We did all the say hi say bye, people did the well if you don’t answer you won’t get a drink and he just doesn’t answer. You can’t actually force words to come out of their mouths.

In our case it’s an unless he feels comfortable around you he won’t talk to you, and if you’ve ever wronged him your added to the list of un comfy people.

He would rather starve, go thirsty and stand in the cold and rain than engage with some members of dh’s family.

I could have written your post about our DN(8). He totally blanks us (his aunt & uncle), his grandfather, and also both of his grandparents on his DF’s side. He is all over our DC like a rash, but all adult family are blanked and always have been right from toddler age.

His parents are very strict with manners with please/thank you in restaurants (does grudgingly) but saying hello, thank you for your Christmas/birthday presents, goodbye etc to adult family never happens.

He is severely molly-coddled (DH’s family say this, not me although I agree) by SIL, to the slight exclusion even of his own DF and I think her overbearing way with him has prevented him having the tools and ability to build relationships with other adults on the family.

It’s sad as he’s the only DN we have. We try with him, we see them regularly, but alas no better.

Look up selective/situational mutism

Quite honestly if you teach for a living and can’t recognise social anxiety/selective mutism/possible asd/special needs then I feel sorry for those you teach. Labelling her rude is not nice. Seeing a child once a month is not regularly.