Is DN rude or is this ok?

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Just back from dinner at the in law’s house - PILs, DH, DDs, BIL, SIL & DN.
As per usual, DN (7 years old) did not say hi or bye, answer any of our questions, or say a single word to DH or me.
We see her and her family and PILs regularly, usually for monthly Sunday lunches. So of course when we arrive at such an occasion DH and I always say hi to her, and we might ask how she is or ask how’s school or compliment her necklace/skirt/socks… usual stuff. She doesn’t reply. She looks at us but won’t respond. Then her mum or dad answer on her behalf. (PILs answer for her if they aren’t there).
She doesn’t come across as shy. She goes to drama clubs and by all accounts has plenty of friends. She gets on very well with our DDs and they play together running around having a great time. She talks to her parents and PILs without any bother.
Last month they came to our house for lunch. I offered her a drink and she didn’t answer so BIL said “Katy, tell Auntie what you’d like to drink” and she didn’t say anything so he said “she’ll have some milk”. I tried to ask her what she liked out of the food I’d made and she didn’t answer so MIL told me what to serve, DN corrected her (“I don’t want carrots nanny”) so MIL then told me “no carrots actually” even though we are all in the same room.
I find it strange! Even dare I say rude?! I teach for a living so I’m used to talking to kids, and DH is great with kids and very popular with our friends children (and our own 😆). I can’t think why she is like this with me and DH and supposedly with no one else. There’s no back story, we have been her auntie and uncle since birth, send cards and gifts for every birthday and Christmas, invite her to our parties. When we see we always try to engage her in conversation, but I don’t think we are pushy. We don’t tell her off or anything. We don’t show any annoyance or frustration that she ignores us (as it’s DH side of the family I don’t feel bold enough to call out the behaviour or say anything direct). She and my kids play so lovely that spending time with them all is very nice from that perspective.
DH just says “who cares” about it all, but I’m inclined to think her DPs and DGPs should be firmer with her. Sometimes I wonder if she’s trying to be cute and coy, but if so I don’t get why she’s doing it with us! I keep thinking if it was my daughter and no valid reason for the behaviour l I wouldn’t ‘help’ her by answering for her.
Would this bother you?

Oh my good god. My nine year old struggles to talk to familiar adults. She's just shy for christs sake. She's not being rude or selfish or spoilt. She's shy. I'm not going to force her to talk, she'll grow out of it. Sure I could force her but I'm not mean.

I was like this as a child. It really just came down to shyness and a huge lack of confidence. Once a month is not really that regularly imo and she could very well just have not warmed to you. Personally I think
some people know how to interact with children in a way that makes them feel comfortable and some just really don’t and they just keep forcing it in the wrong way and make the child feel worse.
All your “if this was my child I wouldn’t stand for it!” nonsense makes me understand why a shy child might not warm to you.

Kids can be like that. Her parents are acknowledging it, prompting her gently to speak, then moving the situation along. This is really the only way to deal with it until the phase is over.

Some children are rude. Luckily so - rude is fixable.

ASD, not so much. Child mental illness, yikes. Social anxiety is a bitch to cure even in adults. It’s not shyness.

She definitely talks at school. Her DPs and DGPs talked at length at how confident she was in her school play. I work with kids so totally get about shyness and situational shyness etc.
when we are all together she talks a lot and is shouting and running about with my daughters. Often we are begging them to quieten down! She chats away with her DPs and DGPs and her cousins. The silent treatment is exclusively for her aunt and uncle. Neurodivergence has never been mentioned, I wouldn’t have thought so but no it’s not my place to diagnose.
I totally get people’s point about being shy with strangers. My youngest is like that. I just don’t class us as strangers as we have been consistently in her life and want to be part of her life and people she can rely on and trust.

OK, it’s a phase (phew) and it’s not personal.

Suggest do what makes you feel comfortable - eg reducing direct contact - till it blows over.

Don’t put yourself second; at DN’s age she needs to see normal adult interaction and if that’s withdrawal, that’s ok.

My sons biggest problem adults are dhs sister her husband and their children. Its like an embargo.

At one point he wouldn’t even step foot inside mils house if they were there. He would just walk out, wouldn’t come to the dinner table, won’t talk.

Have you not considered selective mutism, social anxiety, ND?
What 7 year old is going to try and be "cute and coy?" It's not rudeness, the girl can not speak to you.
I have been this child it was literally like my brain was blocked and I could not respond in certain situations. I hated it and really wanted to speak but just couldn't.
Many ND people and people with social anxiety and/or selective mutism do well in performing arts because it's scripted but can freeze in social situations. I loved drama at school and I communicated well with some people. The shame when I could not speak was awful and I felt so much worse when people pointed out how quiet I was or tried to force me to speak. Please be kind with your DN.

I’d be very surprised you were the only people she behaved like this with. Very strange behaviour, but I’d probably just ignore it . Her parents and grandparents must know it’s odd and are choosing to ignore it for now

I'm pretty surprised that you're a teacher and don't know about situational mutism. This definitely sounds like a case

It does sound a lot like situational mutism. Yes you've been in her life a long time, but if she only sees you once a month and only with other people around that can be difficult.

I wouldn't make a big deal of it. If her parents are doing the "has the cat got your tongue" routine that might well be making things worse. If she struggles with this, drawing attention is likely to just make her more self conscious. You could mark yourself out here as being a safe space by saying something to distract the parents away. A little "that's ok, we all feel like that sometimes, shall I get you X to drink?" and then she can always just nod. Just give her space.

I know several kids who are very able to do stuff in school but in other situations they really can't. I was one of those kids at that age! I eventually got a job talking to strangers for a living so I definitely grew out of it!

You could also talk to her about your life rather than asking her questions. Just tell her a story about something you've been up to. Take the pressure off.

She sounds shy. Please don't make a big deal out of trying to get her to respond. Just say hello and move on.

When you say only people do you know she talks to other adults? Friends parents for example? You only see her monthly that’s hardly frequently. Maybe the only adults she talks to her parents and grandparents which would be so odd

Unless there is some kind of issue with her then she is just incredibly rude and your in laws need to teach her some manners!

My son only speaks to people he chooses, he doesn’t speak outside of these ‘safe’ people it’s not offensive he is nd and he’s not being rude or naughty. I’m amazed as a teacher you have not considered she is either very shy with you as she doesn’t know you that well I would just say hello to the room when you visit and let her do her thing, I wouldn’t speak to her directly now either let it go and relax and she may do the same or she may not. My parents and sister do that with my son, he doesn’t speak to them but he will smile and acknowledge them now, which he didn’t when he felt he must. Pressure is off and he responds much better.

Some of these responses are the reason so many children struggle with anxiety etc. sounds like a likely case of Selective/ situational mutism and in forcing them to answer they either will a)still not answer because they physically cannot, or b) answer due to being compliant but having such a high level of anxiety that they may never speak again. Well done adults. Excellent work.

I'm so glad after the first few embarrassing answers some posters have mentioned selective mutism.
Best thing to do is speak to the child nicely without expecting anything back and go on with your day.
It's not personal

One of my cousin's was like this to our nan, who was the loveliest person ever. She wasn't shy at all but was too weird whenever my nan asked something or offered a drink. Never did find out why🤔

You’re not strangers, but you are obviously not as close to her as those who see her much more frequent. Usually once a month is not much at all.

I have a niece that was like yours with me. Her mother would have her say hi and I would say hi back and leave it at that if she didn’t want to say anything else. I would compliment things she had on or done and she would say a shy thank you. It wasn’t until she was about 6 that she became more comfortable with me and it was due to playing a group game alongside her. She learned that I enjoy games of all kinds and later crafty things which I joined in with when we visit (things she enjoys as well)

With our oldest being a few weeks older than her and asd and our second being born when she was three, I had spent most visits focused on our children and had little time and chance to interact with her and and her to get to know me outside of being Aunt Phoenix, her cousins’ mum and her uncle’s wife. Once our sons were older and a bit more independent, I was more able to participate in group activities with her.

She’s nine now and you would never know that she was shy with me. I’m cool Aunt Phoenix who plays whatever board or card game she want, loves to decorate cookies for Easter and Christmas along with her, loves cute stationary like her, and sends the best presents.

Is there anything you have in common with her that you could perhaps bond over?

One of my best friends (met in adulthood) was a professional actress who has very recently been diagnosed as autistic (after her little one was diagnosed as autistic). She was a musical prodigy as a child who frequently performed, came across as highly confident, had a solid friendship group, took dance classes, leads in school plays, got first tv role at school etc etc. She confided in me, "sometimes I have this weird thing where I can't speak. I'm selectively mute. It used to happen more as a kid but I just can't control it and it sometimes happens now." I'd never have believed her until one day it occurred randomly in a group setting and she just stared at me and started pleading with her eyes for me to explain, all the while others thinking she was displaying the height of ignorance and bad manners. She grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the room and just shook (after I'd explained to the group). I held her and it took over an hour until she could talk again. It happened one more time on public transport, I was chatting away and she just started blinking at me and again I saw the utter fear in her eyes because she desperately wanted to speak but couldn't.

A seven year old is old enough to come up with other more effective ways of being rude to you. If she is experiencing situational mutism the families approach is dreadful. Gently, this isn't about you. Something is happening for this little girl and she can't communicate with you. Whether it's extreme shyness or mutism, she needs support for whatever this communication problem is and a gentler approach.

I agree with all the PPs re social anxiety, selective mutism etc etc

However the bit that strikes me as strange in the whole situation is the way it's accommodated while simultaneously ignored by all you in-laws. I can't get my head round the fact there's bit been a conversation with your DH.

I can't imagine seeing a sibling at least monthly and not confiding in them about what is going on in my DC's (and their nieces) life. Similarly, I can't imagine my mum or dad not at least acknowledging that their granddaughter/my niece struggles with xyz.
It sounds like a big massive elephant in the room.

Surely they've noticed how the little girl interacts with her uncle, and would think an explanation to the uncle would be helpful. Not just to avoid any weirdness but also to suggest how he could deal with it/make the situation easier.

Yes, exactly that. 🙄

Don't be so perverse, there is evidently something going on as parents and grandparents are trying to manage it. Op is an adult and able to not take it as a personal slight

I think it’s the parents who are rude not the kid. My children would love not to have to talk to loads of people and would stay silent if they weren’t forced to talk by us!

She is obviously shy and you are not one of her safe people. Lots of kids are like this with adults. Performing on stage is different because it's a script.
Drawing attention to this will only make her feel worse. Just be friendly when she's around. Maybe don't speak to her directly at the moment. When she arrives say hello to the whole group ( hi guys, hi everyone) rather than to her individually. If she's playing with her cousins speak to them all together ( you girls look like you are having fun etc). Make it easier for her to interact with you without making it look obvious ( for example you could say "hands up if you would like a drink of milk". She might find it easier to put her hand up than physically speak to answer). Don't speak directly to her at the moment putting her under pressure to answer.This approach should make her feel more comfortable around you.