Is DN rude or is this ok?

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Just back from dinner at the in law’s house - PILs, DH, DDs, BIL, SIL & DN.
As per usual, DN (7 years old) did not say hi or bye, answer any of our questions, or say a single word to DH or me.
We see her and her family and PILs regularly, usually for monthly Sunday lunches. So of course when we arrive at such an occasion DH and I always say hi to her, and we might ask how she is or ask how’s school or compliment her necklace/skirt/socks… usual stuff. She doesn’t reply. She looks at us but won’t respond. Then her mum or dad answer on her behalf. (PILs answer for her if they aren’t there).
She doesn’t come across as shy. She goes to drama clubs and by all accounts has plenty of friends. She gets on very well with our DDs and they play together running around having a great time. She talks to her parents and PILs without any bother.
Last month they came to our house for lunch. I offered her a drink and she didn’t answer so BIL said “Katy, tell Auntie what you’d like to drink” and she didn’t say anything so he said “she’ll have some milk”. I tried to ask her what she liked out of the food I’d made and she didn’t answer so MIL told me what to serve, DN corrected her (“I don’t want carrots nanny”) so MIL then told me “no carrots actually” even though we are all in the same room.
I find it strange! Even dare I say rude?! I teach for a living so I’m used to talking to kids, and DH is great with kids and very popular with our friends children (and our own 😆). I can’t think why she is like this with me and DH and supposedly with no one else. There’s no back story, we have been her auntie and uncle since birth, send cards and gifts for every birthday and Christmas, invite her to our parties. When we see we always try to engage her in conversation, but I don’t think we are pushy. We don’t tell her off or anything. We don’t show any annoyance or frustration that she ignores us (as it’s DH side of the family I don’t feel bold enough to call out the behaviour or say anything direct). She and my kids play so lovely that spending time with them all is very nice from that perspective.
DH just says “who cares” about it all, but I’m inclined to think her DPs and DGPs should be firmer with her. Sometimes I wonder if she’s trying to be cute and coy, but if so I don’t get why she’s doing it with us! I keep thinking if it was my daughter and no valid reason for the behaviour l I wouldn’t ‘help’ her by answering for her.
Would this bother you?

That is an interesting point - strange way of putting it rather than "I am a teacher". I nurse for a living. I solicit for a living. I build for a living. None of those would work...but a peri/self-employed dance/piano/driving tutor could get away with "I teach for a living".

I'm going to start saying, "I teach for shits and giggles" from now on...sums it up better seeing the state of HE means I'm not always making a living from it!

I think people calling her 'rude' on here are really unfair. She's 7!!!

I wouldn't over think it or take it personally - in fact, possibly, the more you make it a 'thing' that she doesn't speak to you (perhaps you are subconsciously giving off vibes that you think she is rude), the longer it will likely go on for. Do you try just talking to her (rather than asking questions) or expecting a response? Do you behave like you like her, or could you possibly be giving off vibes that you find her a pain?

I was a very shy child. I had great friends but I found talking to most adults very uncomfortable. The ones I did manage to find my voice with were the ones who I felt accepted me (and my shyness) and who didn't put any pressure on me to speak up.

My child was painfully shy with adults and fine with children. Grandparents were ok as seen very regularly.

I was mortified but also knew pressuring her to talk would make it worse. Her Aunts and Uncles would chat to her and move on quickly if no reply.

She is 15 now and lovely, confident girl with close relationship with all her family and friends.

Thanks for the various opinions. I am not a school teacher, but teach children (and adults). I am aware of selective mutism but I hadn’t thought it applied here as she knows us and has done for a long time, I thought it was more like a child struggling to talk to a stranger but am happy to have been corrected on this matter.
When we attended her most recent birthday party she said thank you to other kids’ parents. I don’t believe the mutism happens anywhere else but with us, and pretty sure her DPs aren’t looking at autism or any other special needs. I won’t bring it up with BIL or SIL or even PILs unless DH decides to. As pointed out, we only see them on average once and month and won’t exasperate the situation. Whatever the reason, we’ll continue to be kind and friendly to her.

My daughter (18) used to do this as a child and sometimes still does. I used to get so angry with her and find it embarrassing and rude.
guess what- when she hit teenage years the wheels fell off and she was diagnosed with autism- I had NO IDEA and being situationally mute is one of her behaviours. It was very easy for her to mask with some ppl and more difficult with others. Talking with adults when she was a child was particularly difficult.

My best friend told me recently how my daughter didn’t talk to her for about 3 years when she was little- and it took a very very long time for her to be able to- I am so grateful that she persevered and didn’t write her off as rude but just carried on talking to her and involved her and eventually my daughter was able to talk back to her.

Wow, I hope her parents aren't on here.

Leave her alone, she's 7 years of age and shy, possibly ND. I'm not sure what you hoped to accomplish with this post, other than have a bunch of strangers laying into her.

Oh absolutely, all autistic children are just being bratty and we should have exactly the same expectations of them. We certainly shouldn't make allowances for anyone with any differences. Let's make sure that all adaptations are taken away. Rip out the stair rails, ramps and hearing loop systems! Or is it only information processing differences you are opposed to?

Are you always ableist or is it just kids that are your focus?

You can think what you like but maybe research situational mutism first. Why would I make up an excuse for a child I don't know. I'm saying that this is what it sounds like, I'm not diagnosing.

And talking of being rude...pot, kettle, black?

Screams situational/ selective mutism and social anxiety to me. You've described my nephew to a tee. He found it easier doing "thank yous" to relative strangers than to speak to extended family. He's also now struggling with school attendance. Great kid, such a lot of potential, but also so much to try to deal with.

It's really hard as family because it does feel like it should be easier for them to communicate with you, and it can come across (unintentionally) as rude. You just have to try hard not to take it personally. Try using very closed questions or statements that are binary - yes/ no, this one or that? Less demand takes the pressure off them a bit.

Also, if it is selective/situational mutism then comments like "cat got your tongue?" will make it a million times worse...please talk to parents/grandparents sensitively about that!

I remember my best friend telling me my autistic DS didn't talk to her for years when I wasn't there. I didn't realise! But yes, she didn't label him as rude or anything and he found his voice with her eventually!

I have a friend who is a teacher at my autistic DD's school. If we see her at the beginning of school she will say 'hello' to DD and DD will not say anything but will wave at her!

She's 7, shes probably shy around you for whatever reason

DN (dear niece?) aged 7?
YABU
I remember being young (my case around 13) I could speak to some people but not everyone.
I'd dry up, no words would come.
Which would explain how she could say "no carrots" to nanny but not you.
I've read up on it since now I'm an adult and think I had selective mutism.
Depending on who you speak to at my old high school, they either know me as someone who never shut up and enjoyed a laugh or who never heard me speak a single word.