Is DN rude or is this ok?

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Just back from dinner at the in law’s house - PILs, DH, DDs, BIL, SIL & DN.
As per usual, DN (7 years old) did not say hi or bye, answer any of our questions, or say a single word to DH or me.
We see her and her family and PILs regularly, usually for monthly Sunday lunches. So of course when we arrive at such an occasion DH and I always say hi to her, and we might ask how she is or ask how’s school or compliment her necklace/skirt/socks… usual stuff. She doesn’t reply. She looks at us but won’t respond. Then her mum or dad answer on her behalf. (PILs answer for her if they aren’t there).
She doesn’t come across as shy. She goes to drama clubs and by all accounts has plenty of friends. She gets on very well with our DDs and they play together running around having a great time. She talks to her parents and PILs without any bother.
Last month they came to our house for lunch. I offered her a drink and she didn’t answer so BIL said “Katy, tell Auntie what you’d like to drink” and she didn’t say anything so he said “she’ll have some milk”. I tried to ask her what she liked out of the food I’d made and she didn’t answer so MIL told me what to serve, DN corrected her (“I don’t want carrots nanny”) so MIL then told me “no carrots actually” even though we are all in the same room.
I find it strange! Even dare I say rude?! I teach for a living so I’m used to talking to kids, and DH is great with kids and very popular with our friends children (and our own 😆). I can’t think why she is like this with me and DH and supposedly with no one else. There’s no back story, we have been her auntie and uncle since birth, send cards and gifts for every birthday and Christmas, invite her to our parties. When we see we always try to engage her in conversation, but I don’t think we are pushy. We don’t tell her off or anything. We don’t show any annoyance or frustration that she ignores us (as it’s DH side of the family I don’t feel bold enough to call out the behaviour or say anything direct). She and my kids play so lovely that spending time with them all is very nice from that perspective.
DH just says “who cares” about it all, but I’m inclined to think her DPs and DGPs should be firmer with her. Sometimes I wonder if she’s trying to be cute and coy, but if so I don’t get why she’s doing it with us! I keep thinking if it was my daughter and no valid reason for the behaviour l I wouldn’t ‘help’ her by answering for her.
Would this bother you?

And I say that as the parent of a child with autism. I don’t force him to engage in conversation but he has to say hello back to his family at the bare minimum. Once he’s said hello, he is welcome to revert to solitude!

Sounds really rude and needs a parent to tell her to stop being a rude brat

She maybe a selective Mute,
Anxiety in certain situation ? X

But surely you'd at least explain to close family (eg your brother if you have one), that your child has been diagnosed with autism and struggles to speak to other adults?

Surely that would also be for the benefit of your child so all the adults involved could understand and accomodate?

I'm shocked you're a teacher. How have you not had experience of this?

Definitely sounds like selective mutism. My DD was very much like this and still is actually. She's autistic. Very confident in some situations (performs in front of hundreds of people most weekends) but certain situations make her mute and I have to answer for her. She will also correct. She says it's like her mouth is sown shut.

Leave the poor kid alone and stop making it a big deal. Do keep trying to talk to her. But don't draw attention to it like some of the pp suggest!

Spot. On.

My dn was similar with my sil always answering for her which didn’t help. She was never given the opportunity to speak really so just rarely did. Sil would say hi, bye thanks etc while dn just stared. As times gone on, she will say a bit more if I talk to her but I make sure to ask her simple questions that she could nod or shake her head to if she felt shy. She now will usually answer in single sentences. She’s now 8.

I don’t think ‘has the cat got your tongue Katy’ is ever going to be a useful comment from family. Drawing attention to it won’t help. Nor will parents doing all the talking for her. I would just ask Katy closed questions that she can respond to non verbally for now so the pressures off. If she does respond verbally just be really chilled about it like it’s no big deal because if loss of attention is given, she might not do it again

My 5 yr old dd is like this, fine with other kids, fine with close family but won’t talk to any other adults. She’ll speak to her teachers but only if necessary. We’ve taken it to be shyness, apparently I was the same at her age and grew out of it. I don’t think young kids try to be rude, it’s just something she’ll grow out of.

You're a teacher and you have never come across selective mutism?

Just don't make a big deal of it. hopefully she will grow out of it, but if she doesn't then at least be a safe space for her, where she doesn't get any pressure

I thought you'd say she was an adult but she is a 7 year old child. Only because in your world it is "only family" it's obviously not "only" to her. Just keep being kind to her and keep including her. She is a little girl. I've met lots of shy children who can just freeze up in social situations. Don't add to any anxiety assuming they are weird or rude. Be the bigger person and keep being a safe and nice adult. Eventually, hopefully she will feel equally comfortable around you as others in the family.

Nice bait mate 🎣

She’s 7. 7.

and yours on here asking if she’s rude. And supposedly a teacher.

so yes op. Let’s label her rude, instead of thinking maybe there is a reason behind this you’re unaware of.

nice.

My niece was like that, apparently she was 'shy' but do shy kids stare into your eyes while refusing to answer questions??

Yes they can if they have situational mutism. It's a freeze response as they want to answer but physically can't so don't know what to do

Maybe your questions are just boring or the child found you ill informed 🤷🏻‍♀️

Could she have selective mutism? My son has it and was simply unable to talk to many people (including family members) for years. He wanted to talk but actually couldn't. He said it felt like his throat muscles were clamped shut. I'd have to answer for him. It is a phobia of speaking, a anxiety condition.
I have to say I feel absolutely heartbroken seeing you and all the other PPs saying she's rude.
If it is selective mutism it's an extremely difficult condition to have. My son's earlier years were very lonely and isolated because of it.

Yes they can. It’s not like she was giving you the L. She was looking at your or staring into your eyes she was acknowledging that you where talking to her. She just couldn’t/wouldn’t talk back.

This my eldest was like this until about 10. It wasn't anyone's business so no I didn't divulge his private medical details. 🤷‍♀️

He debated was well capable in school but certain people or situations he just couldn't address. He is now older and absolutely well able.

He also has an amazing ability to read people, so I do sometimes wonder if he saw things I didn't. As there was a bit of a pattern of them being the more traditional judgemental people he was unable to engage with.

If you are a teacher surely you are well trained in children who have reasons they won't converse?

You'd be surprised how many teachers haven't heard of it or dealt with it. My son's reception teacher had the opinion that he must be forced to speak abd punished if he didn't. This goes against all the advice and massively increased his anxiety and mutism.

Maybe just say hi and bye and don’t expect anything back. It is strange and can feel personal but there’s nothing you can do about it but perhaps take the pressure off her and don’t try to engage her in conversation if she doesn’t want to.

It's very bad mannered.

That's down to her parents, because they're letting her get away with it.

I was like that as a child. I remember feeling absolute terror if I was out with my mum and she'd see someone she knew. I never felt comfortable with making small talk with aunts and uncles. I was fine with my parents, siblings and gran.

I have ASD. I wasn't diagnosed when I was a child. Whoever mentioned eye contact, I had no problem whatsoever making eye contact. I'd easily do so whilst saying no to being told to say hello or whatever to someone.

I wasn't rude, I was very well mannered and was a stickler for rules. But I just couldn't do that.

I have the same experience with my child…engaging with children and safe adults without issues. But the sixth sense and the ability to read people and shut down around them when he senses that they are judging is unreal. I have seen in it in practice many times including with his own grandfather (while adoring his grandmother and speaking to her, but not him - these are my parents by the way). I absolutely trust him when it comes to reading people and I think it’s a great thing to have in life.

Yabu.

She's 7. Give her a break. It is unusual and no doubt there's something behind it. You don't know what is going on with her. The answer is a bit of compassion, not taking it as rudeness and expecting her parents to be tougher on her.

It sounds to me like her parents are aware of it and are trying to encourage her to talk to you and your DH. I'd suspect there are a lot of discussions going on in their family that you're not part of, and her parents are probably hoping she'll grow out of it.

It doesn't actually cause you any problems and she plays nicely with your DDs, so I'd just continue on as you have been. And not judge a 7 year old too harshly! (If she'd told you to F off - that would be rude!)