Secret decluttering...

[Mummyof287]

We live in a fairly small home, I hate clutter, untidiness,too much stuff etc....it makes my brain feel so overwhelmed.

Trouble is DH and oldest DD (7) don't like getting rid of anything (despite DH often complaining that there is no space and too much stuff!)
Due to this, I have taken it upon myself over the years to routinely get rid of things (often secretly) to the charity shop etc, if it's things I know they won't notice, but sometimes I feel guilty about doing this as I know if they did know (this is mainly DD's stuff) they might not have wanted it to go.

I've sometimes been abit too ruthless then regretted it, and have even bought some stuff back from the charity shop before.
I'm currently regretting sending a soft toy there last week that I then saw a photo of DD with as a toddler and remembered was quite special to her then.I know she and DH probably wouldn't be very pleased if they knew it had gone to the charity shop, although she has soo many more and if I don't mention it neither of them will notice.

AIBU? What do other people do?! It's a constant battle in my brain....wanting a tidy uncluttered home, but not knowing what to keep or not...i am quite sentimental and from a very sentimental family who kept everything.But they had a big 4-bed detached house so they had space to!

@YellowphantGrey Yes any types of houseplant leaves it says. I might try it on a yukka next.

Do you understand what are known as the elements of theft?

Theft, being a legal concept, has a legal definition.

As you have tagged me...yes, I used to be a lawyer, though its been a while. I believe a spouse throwing away old manuals and bits of wire even without the consent of their spouse would fail the two- step dishonesty test required to prove theft and any court would throw it out.
But I think I have said enough on this thread and need to move on with Day 2 of decluttering.

Well I think when done purposely not telling them and with an intention that the thing is never returned to them it would fall pretty squarely within the test. The reason it doesn’t happen is that spouses don’t bother. But the point is more why would you treat family in a fashion that the law has created protections against treating others in?

Its not good on anything that has furry or felty leaves, eg african violets, also don't let the coats build up, remove the existing coat with plain water before treating again.

Yeah I do this, but it’s usually bits of tat from party bags etc. it’s virtually impossible to get rid of any bulky stuff. We really do need a de-clutter though, no more space on the bookshelves and Dd’s toys can’t be contained. I am going to start boxing stuff up but I will give her some choice. Dh is another kettle of fish completely, he has serious hoarding tendencies.

I think it is disrespectful and glib to suggest that people who don’t want their spouses throwing their possessions away are proto hoarders. It’s an excuse for justifying bad behaviour.

Hoarding is about ascribing sentimental value to things that are not truly sentimental or significant. Wanting to choose for yourself what is sentimental and significant rather than having a partner take a high handed approach is not hoarding or proto hoarding.

A wise and insightful post- with which I agree entirely.

Perfectly said.

Thank you, you said it way better than I could.

You can come and declutter for me if you want - I’m unwell just now and spend a lot of time sitting around and it’s given me time to look around. Once I’m on the road to recovery there’s going to be a massive clear out.

if your family ask where something is I’d just look blank.

How would you like if your DD or DH gave away your belongings? You have no idea when your DH may want to use something you have thrown out - it’s tantamount to theft. If you don’t like their clutter go live alone!

Great idea. However I suspect my dh and dc would miss me more than their happy meal toys and phone manuals.

Oops!

You can never tell what will stand the test of time though, maybe a few board games. I always said to DD that she didn't have to throw anything out but could she look for stuff that might go? Got there in the end.
A mum at her school advised 'take photos' of models etc. If the original artifact gets chucked or dies, you can show DC that you kept a record.

I love a good declutter. It is therapeutic. Don’t hang onto stuff

yes but your stuff, not other people's stuff without their agreement and definitely not in secret.

Just out of interest, those declutterers whose kids have got to teenage years: how do you feel when they lie to you about what they have been doing / where they were / whether they have items or substances that they're hiding from you, but that you're almost (not quite) certain that they have? It's part and parcel of teenagedom, sure, but this concealment and uncertainty around things that you are allowed to know about your own house and space, or have a stake in, it feels to me like a similar level of secrecy.

This is exactly what I think.

Yet they are so smug about their shorf-sighted goal of decluttering that bigger issues like honesty go out the window (along with a handful of teddies…)

I just think some people think in terms of big issues and some focus down on things like the philosophy of decluttering.

I did this all the time. Hardly anything except clothing is mine. I've already got rid of it. Just to make space for DH's stuff. Now I get rid of his things, he brings something in, so something else goes. It helped.
Then he discovered Scalextric. A huge track permanently set up and 50 cars. Next he discovered Lego. Box after box after box of it from ebay. Made 1 model. Now it's something else.
So I share your pain.
Continue your secret decluttering until you can do no more.
It's that or go mad.

But can’t you just discuss it with your child? How feral is he? We just tell ours no more until you have chosen ( I repeat chosen) some to move on.

Starting to wonder if this is not a housekeeping technique as much as a dysfunctional discipline/ communication issue that leads some mothers to slide about surreptitiously and dishonestly trashing the rest of the family’s stuff.

Isn't the pp referring to her dh's hobbies, not her ds's?
I do recognise the (sometimes ADHD related) new hobby fixation - accompanied by a reluctance to dispose of the stuff when the interest wanes.

Oh yes. I read DC because of the scalextric. My DH isn’t into Lego etc but o know lots of men are.

But the observation remains: can’t you deal with it directly? If they are that resistant to it in discussion they will be livid if they find out their hand has been forced. It’s better to be above board not sneaky or it sets that as a relationship dynamic: “ can’t tell my wife about the affair cos she always resists.”

Considering the police can't even be bothered with "real" thefts, then they'd laugh at someone trying to report the theft of an old instruction manual, and even if you could get a constable to take it seriously, the CPS would laugh it out.

Not sure a spouse would go to the cost and effort of a private prosecution for something so trivial.

I can't even imagine anything trivial like that would be taken into account in a divorce either - it's hardly "unreasonable behaviour". Maybe if a spouse had made a bonfire out of thousands of pounds worth of valuable/collectable items like rare Lego?

And mine when I lost my husband. Apart from rubbish, I had about two dozen black bin bags of stuff for the charity shop. (And he was always saying we had too much stuff, when most of it was his!)