Secret decluttering...

[Mummyof287]

We live in a fairly small home, I hate clutter, untidiness,too much stuff etc....it makes my brain feel so overwhelmed.

Trouble is DH and oldest DD (7) don't like getting rid of anything (despite DH often complaining that there is no space and too much stuff!)
Due to this, I have taken it upon myself over the years to routinely get rid of things (often secretly) to the charity shop etc, if it's things I know they won't notice, but sometimes I feel guilty about doing this as I know if they did know (this is mainly DD's stuff) they might not have wanted it to go.

I've sometimes been abit too ruthless then regretted it, and have even bought some stuff back from the charity shop before.
I'm currently regretting sending a soft toy there last week that I then saw a photo of DD with as a toddler and remembered was quite special to her then.I know she and DH probably wouldn't be very pleased if they knew it had gone to the charity shop, although she has soo many more and if I don't mention it neither of them will notice.

AIBU? What do other people do?! It's a constant battle in my brain....wanting a tidy uncluttered home, but not knowing what to keep or not...i am quite sentimental and from a very sentimental family who kept everything.But they had a big 4-bed detached house so they had space to!

Reading your update, I also can't help but point out that you, as parents, are responsible for most of the things brought INTO the house. So, if your daughter struggles to throw out and, worse, to find and use the stuff she already has, the obvious solution is for you stop buying more.

I would seriously expect you respect his choices and to agree a space where he can store his things which is inviolate.

Sorry “ don’t fit.” I do still “ got it!”

For many things I like a 1 in out out policy. So if I buy a new coat and I already have 4 I donate one to charity. I do this with some of DH and DS clothes but they don't necessarily know about it. I think.they just think they mislaid old things. I point out it doesn't matter anyway if you can't find it as you have a new one now. I only do this occasionally.

Read the update, he’s got plenty of space! And that applies to his DDad (still very much alive) who also uses my shed and spare room to store his manky old stuff!!!
There is s bloody limit to all this!

Declutter attempt here today:

Today I packed one big carrier bag of my old clothes plus 3 books for charity shop.

An bag filled with kids clothes and shoes to pass to the family we pass on to.

A shopping bag size dump of paper recycling made up of DC drawings, cardboard boxes of used up craft stuff, full notebooks, old kids comics and magazines

I also dusted and cleaned with "leaf shine" the leaves of a big plant! I think that's the most grown up act I have ever committed.

I don't think its at all unreasonable to agree storage limits. What I do think is unreasonable and disrespectful is secretly disposing of stuff.

We don't have enough inviolable space, tbh.We have a small cupboard and a chest of drawers each, and one kitchen drawer for all the wires, manuals, lapsed paperwork and missing parts. Doesn't fit in that, it has to go. Or we could move somewhere bigger but DH doesn't want to. So he has to compromise.

Inviolate sorry

We are just preparing to downsize and our adult kids are meant to be helping. I had a lot of soft toys in our loft and so did my DD and we spent a nice afternoon deciding what to keep and what to get rid of. All fine until she discovered that I'd given away an elephant that my mum had made for me when I was about 7. Apparently she wanted it and even though it was mine I should have asked her first. I had a sleepless night then worrying because my mum had made it and I should have kept it. Unfortunately I had given 3 bags of toys to a lady for a charity sale and she ignored my request to have it back. So now I run everything by her in case she wants it. She's 35 so much easier to get rid of things when they're little.

I’ll be round later on with many many bags of crap, a pressure washer (broken) several car parts, boxes of tools for unknown machinery, 4 box files of yellowing
years-out-of-date car insurance papers, and various bags of shite… Enjoy!
You think I should store it in my little place - so I’m not chucking it out cruelly and with disrespect - YOU can keep it for him!!

I'm still traumatised from my mum doing this to me as a kid. I can't bear to let anything go or have anyone touch my stuff now. It literally sends me into a panic.

I can't tell you how many hours I spent looking for something I loved as a kid only to see a shifty look on my mum's face when I asked about it. We didn't have a lot of money and it was usually something she'd bought from a car boot sale so it made it even harder because it was usually not replaceable.

Ahem

Can we have a bit of peace and love, please?

Crikey!! Another sensible voice!! Compromise .. I shifted loads of my tat when DO moved in, gave him a large room and a shed… His lovely (still alive) Dad sends more crap round here, 99.9% useless it is. I do not old clothing of an man in his late 80s (but alive) in my back bedroom. If he’s not wearing it, who is?????

Thank you @LilyMumsnet

That's me done for today on here, far too toxic.

That’s irrational.

She isn’t saying she wants it - or even that you have to have it either. Just that doing it sneakily is wrong.

This is what i do. Love it!!

I'm brutal. I prefer to think of someone else wearing/reading/playing with the items instead of having them sitting unused gathering dust in our house.

A big part of the process is being more selective about how much you buy in the first place. Our house is full - if something comes in, something has to go out.

My Mum hates the thought of things going to waste. When I was around nine or ten, she gave away a large toy that I hadn’t played with for years, but which was still out in my room. She had a friend visit with her little DC, who took a shine to it. I was absolutely devastated and wanted to ask for it back, but was made to feel guilty by her and the younger child's mother. I had said it was ‘babyish’ before, but it was mine.

I became fiercely protective of all of my belongings, and never trusted her again with anything. I used to regularly check nothing was ‘missing’!

Am now hugely sentimental and struggle to let go of anything.

This happened to me with one of DD's ugly porcelain dolls.She spotted it in the window of a charity shop when she was out with her grandmother and called me to ask if I'd got rid of her 'favourite doll'.
I swore blind that it was still in her bedroom and had to dash into town to buy it back before she got home.

A lot of people don’t seem to realise it is actually theft.

OP I try to remove 3 things per day from my house and I try to use something up before I replace it.

My DH is a bit the opposite. If the deodorant is half empty he will buy another one and start using it so sometimes we have 4 on the go. I have to really say to him ‘no more buying xxx please until all these are finished.’

None of my family have noticed that things are gone. I mean not ever, not once. It’s amazing.

My project this summer is to ask DH to tackle ‘his’ drawers. I’ve noticed they are sort of taking over. He has 4 in the living room. 3 in the utility room, 2 in the filing cabinet and 4 in the bedroom. All junk/useful stuff/tools. We are having our garage rebuilt next week so hoping to move a chunk of stuff out there.

I need the house to be tidy to have a peaceful mind.

What's leaf shine? Do I need it?!

id carry on as you are. My kids wouldn’t get rid of anything if it was left up to them, one of mine likes to collect recycling fgs 🙈, and he doesn’t like getting rid of old clothes either, even if they’re 3 sizes too small lol. I only declutter when they’re out of the house and no one has ever mentioned that anything is missing, and if they did I would just tell them I don’t know where it is