Secret decluttering...

[Mummyof287]

We live in a fairly small home, I hate clutter, untidiness,too much stuff etc....it makes my brain feel so overwhelmed.

Trouble is DH and oldest DD (7) don't like getting rid of anything (despite DH often complaining that there is no space and too much stuff!)
Due to this, I have taken it upon myself over the years to routinely get rid of things (often secretly) to the charity shop etc, if it's things I know they won't notice, but sometimes I feel guilty about doing this as I know if they did know (this is mainly DD's stuff) they might not have wanted it to go.

I've sometimes been abit too ruthless then regretted it, and have even bought some stuff back from the charity shop before.
I'm currently regretting sending a soft toy there last week that I then saw a photo of DD with as a toddler and remembered was quite special to her then.I know she and DH probably wouldn't be very pleased if they knew it had gone to the charity shop, although she has soo many more and if I don't mention it neither of them will notice.

AIBU? What do other people do?! It's a constant battle in my brain....wanting a tidy uncluttered home, but not knowing what to keep or not...i am quite sentimental and from a very sentimental family who kept everything.But they had a big 4-bed detached house so they had space to!

I have really bored on rather too much on this thread, and indeed other threads. Sorry about that. Quiet period at work. Will stop now.

gosh now I am stalked......which thread was that may i ask?

@YellowphantGrey Do you have any monstera plants? That people call Swiss cheese plants? With the big flat leaves with slashes in the sides? If so you may need lead shine! The plants were so dusty it was a bit embarrassing. I dusted them them sprayed they leaf shine and now Pinterest worthy (apart from where Ddog has chewed the edges)

I do this and use with permission my neighbours bins to hide the evidence

Yeah it’s creepy - especially as she tried the “ Let me guess “ approach before her big reveal. 🤨

Some people are dreadful hoarders. When DH and I first moved in together I did the unpacking. I put all his clothes I'd never seen him wear in a black bag and told him if he could tell me what they were he could get them back. He couldn't.

My pegbag was so old and worn out with holes in it (photo for evidence) I decided to buy a new one. I then put the old one in the bin. DH pulled it out of the bin, declared he loved the pattern on the fabric and wanted to keep it because it might be useful. It's not even his bloody pegbag.

His Mum says her Dad was the same, and her Mum would have bonfires to get rid of things when he was at work because he would refuse to get rid of things. DH is excessively sentimental, when his Dad died his Mum gave him a pair of his Dad's orthopaedic shoes (too big for DH so useless) and a jumper that is more hole than jumper and is felted due to being washed at too high a temperature. If my Mum had given me stuff like that of Dads I'd have told her to put it to the dump. Surely it's more sensible to hand on things that are nice, e.g. we have artwork and photos by various family members on both sides that I love.

yeah omg how will I sleep tonight? especially as she got one guess half right and one guess wrong

Yeah that's the thing, although this post has made me think that maybe I need to be more mindful of what of DD's possessions I'm keeping or letting go because they are important/not important to me, or whether it's actually her.....eg: soft toys I can remember her getting for her first Xmas etc, kept, mcdonalds toys, charity shopped....whereas actually they might be more important to her :-/

I move things then after a period of time when they aren't missed take to charity shop, that period of time really helps

I do this on the regular as I live with a hoarder

keep doing it, if you stop, they don’t stop adding to it
and eventually you are surrounded by so much stuff you can’t move

I get what you mean but i think 'theft' is abit strong....my kids have been given SO much stuff over the years....loads of hand me downs, plus presents, and all the general stuff that has just been 'bought' by us (although that is actually quite a small proportion if it all!) If I kept everyhting that ever came into the house 'given' to them our small house would look like a hoarders home and we would be completely engulfed with stuff.

I am mindful in future though that I do need to probably be more open with DH (and DD especially) about what I have planned to go, incase they do have unexpectedly strong feelings against that, whilst ensuring they do realise we can't keep everything.

I guess the other thing is, we have been told DD is likely to have ADHD, and finds it really hard to make decisions, so I feel like I'm not sure in a way if drawing her attention to all the stuff and 'reminding' her about things, then making her choose what to get rid of, might actually feel more stressful for her than me just sneaking afew unplayed with items to the charity shop every so often.

No tidy home unless you live on your own.
Sorry.

Well the problem is many of her possessions have been birthday presents or Christmas presents, plus LOTS of hand me downs....so even if we generally try to be careful and selective with what comes in its not always that easy.
She also has pocket money which does mean more 'bits' but then it's nice for her to have that.

OP, I've been doing this today, I love it

It is theft though - in terms of legal definition, at least where an adult spouse is concerned.

The only reason people don’t think of it that way is because family don’t tend to pursue it.

Would the hand-me-downs be a good way to practise letting things go?

It might not work but I'm imagining for example a bag for life of stuff arriving off say some cousins. Could you and dd "shop" the bag to only keep what is actually needed or wanted and pass the rest on straight away? If she wouldn't have picked it from a shop she doesn't need to keep it just because someone else is decluttering.

For the birthdays and Christmas could you provide suggestions to people so that they don't buy things which quickly become clutter?

This. Lots of proto hoarders on here. There's a reason it's categorised as a mental health problem

Yes, this sort of thread always brings out the panicking hoarders who are worried someone might throw out something that they'd forgotten they ever had, that was quite useless in the first place.

I do! I tend to flick over the leaves with a feather type anti static duster thing but I think I may need to invest in this. Does it work on other green leaf plants? I've got a money plant that I can't get the dust off

Empty Kinder egg yellow eggs were a favourite here. Used to have a small carrier bags worth that he liked to empty out, line up and put away again. Couldn't get rid of them for about 3 years. Made no odds to me as they were used. He made the choice to get rid of them during a clear out that we did together.

The word Hoarders seems to be getting misused a lot on here and by those who like chucking everything away, as means of justifying what they do, "oh you want to keep something? You hoarder, hoarding is a mental health issue, you need help"

Someone wanting to keep 4 polo shirts isn't a hoarder.

I'm not a hoarder nor do I have mental health issues because I hadn't got round to unpacking 10 boxes of records within a week of moving house. Nor because I keep my books and don't immediately bin or give them away.

Hoarders generally keep everything and never throw anything away. Ever. To the point it becomes unmanageable.

Appointing yourself boss of the house and the person who decides what everyone else is allowed to keep is a but bizarre? Maybe you are the ones with mental health issues that you need to keep this tight a control over things?

But @YellowphantGrey it's not an either/or scenario, is it? This idea that you either live in a spartan house which is devoid of any personality and has just generic Ikea artwork on the walls, OR you can't get in several bedrooms because of the rampant clutter.

Most of us are somewhere in between. We don't chuck EVERYTHING away, we just appreciate that keeping every happy meal toy and every drawing your child ever did or every book you ever read, or every single one of your baby's babygros just isn't practical or desirable. The really important stuff gets swamped by the not at all important stuff.

We have boxes which slot into an Ikea Kallax storage unit, one per child. In the boxes are there important things they want to keep, things like certificates, school reports, photographs, Brownie badges, special artwork. Each child (youngest is 16!) still has their favourite teddy from their infancy.

I'd argue both extremes are equally toxic - chucking absolutely everything out and having nothing, and not being able to part with anything. The problems really emerge when the adults aren't on the same part of the spectrum. Seriously, watch some of the Stacey Solomon programmes to see what a state houses get into when people place sentiment onto everything. Usually it's the mum or dad saying "Oh, but we bought this doll/jigsaw/ripped teddy on a day out to Manchester when you were 2!" and the now teenage child rolling their eyes and telling them to chuck it.

But that's just it. Everyone is in the middle but the replies on here are mainly those who claim they are minimalist and everyone else who isn't, has mental health problems. Someone described people who hold onto things as disgusting and someone scorned that people hold onto things for sentiment and said that was ridiculous.

No one has actually said they are against getting rid of things but have actually said it should be done with input off everyone in the house, not one person deciding unilatery to get rid of stuff because they want minimal. They think it's acceptable to go through an adults possessions and bin anything they like without discussion.

It's amazing how many people on this thread think this is ok and say someone is mentally unwell if they don't agree.

Personally, I would be furious that you have been tying yourself in knots having to decide what is trash and what is treasure for them!

oh my life, the guilt you have just from trying to keep a tidy house!
Your DH needs to discuss with you what you would both like the keep as forever keepsakes and what is tat. And how to keep the precious memories carefully, and how to keep a tidy house otherwise.

it seems an unreasonable burden on your shoulders

I’m not sure I agree that everyone is in the middle. Some people really do hoard junk; and others really do seem to have an almost pathological lack of sentimentality in favour of tidiness. But I do agree with you that the very vast majority of people are somewhere in the middle . It is partly a clash where family members are in different parts of the spectrum but also IME often a case of people having a lack of respect for what others may value. At the end of the day, however, someone having a mh issue ( and that’s if they even do) still doesn’t justify theft and disposal of their property.