Secret decluttering...

[Mummyof287]

We live in a fairly small home, I hate clutter, untidiness,too much stuff etc....it makes my brain feel so overwhelmed.

Trouble is DH and oldest DD (7) don't like getting rid of anything (despite DH often complaining that there is no space and too much stuff!)
Due to this, I have taken it upon myself over the years to routinely get rid of things (often secretly) to the charity shop etc, if it's things I know they won't notice, but sometimes I feel guilty about doing this as I know if they did know (this is mainly DD's stuff) they might not have wanted it to go.

I've sometimes been abit too ruthless then regretted it, and have even bought some stuff back from the charity shop before.
I'm currently regretting sending a soft toy there last week that I then saw a photo of DD with as a toddler and remembered was quite special to her then.I know she and DH probably wouldn't be very pleased if they knew it had gone to the charity shop, although she has soo many more and if I don't mention it neither of them will notice.

AIBU? What do other people do?! It's a constant battle in my brain....wanting a tidy uncluttered home, but not knowing what to keep or not...i am quite sentimental and from a very sentimental family who kept everything.But they had a big 4-bed detached house so they had space to!

YABU. What do I do? I spend time together going through stuff and sorting piles of things (including one for the charity shop).

How would you feel if you found out your husband had been secretly getting rid of your things? It’s horrible.

I think that's terrible of you if I'm honest. Kids create clutter and that's their memories and property. Would you like it if your family chucked your sentimental items out?

It would really annoy me if someone gave away my stuff but then I clear out my own stuff and declutter. If your husband can't be bothered to do that then I think fair enough! You can't live in a tip because he is too lazy to de clutter. Technically it's wrong though as it's his things...

My mother was like you, I hated it and have too much stuff now as a result. Things she thought were of no value were to me.

DH hoards cardboard boxes too. On the principle that we may need them some day. I am throwing them out. I expect he will survive.

I think if it's stuff they genuinely won't notice it's probably fine, but you're avoiding teaching your DD important life skills by doing it behind her back. I'd get her in involved in clearing stuff out.

Also, if you have people who won't get rid of stuff you need to be much harsher about what you let in in the first place. I'd also start doing this with your daughter now. New stuff can't come in, until old stuff is cleared out.

Re your DD, as long as you're careful not to get rid of loved stuff (be discriminating here), I think for some people who have families who refuse to get rid of anything it is the ONLY option. Especially when it's you who is the only one who deals with it. Don't feel guilty. When she is older she may be easier to negotiate with. Put stuff you're unsure about in a box in the back of the wardrobe for a few months. If she forgot within that time and didn't ask for it back, get rid of it.

Re your husband it's a different matter really.

Imagine it was the other way around and your DH or your DD ( when you are old and dependent) done the same thing to you. How would you feel? I personally would be furious.. It's manipulative and dishonest

Would you be happy if someone chucked away your stuff without asking? I suspect not.

We're now four in a too small house with a 19 &17 year old. So between just us we have potentially 140 years of possessions. And thats with out and inheritance.

Recently I sorted through the previous baby clothes, not that much, carefully selected and stored. Honestly it all looked quite sad, the lovely Monsoon stuff was washed and faded and not as lovely as the photos of my daughters actually wearing it.

I'm actually binning it because the memory trigger is the photo, we don't need the artifact.
My parents stored all mine and my brother's toys. When it was delivered, swamping my home, swamping my kids, most of the Fisher Price had plastic fatigue and the animals looked like they had some crazy terrible disease.
The Lego was nostalgic but ultimately dated and most importantly not my kids, it was all about me, so we sold that.

We're way past a Victorian life of two teddies and a box of soldiers suming up an entire childhood, you have to curate. For nostalgia less is definitely more, so keep involve your kids, move stuff on, value a small selection.

I do this all the time. Never have they noticed. Don’t feel guilty.

That would really piss me off. He should be able to keep his belongings in his own home, a few shirts can't take up much room.

Yeah it's awful. He might have some really good memories of happy nights out etc in those shirts or his first job

It's awful to throw out other people's stuff! I would be furious.

What I do is declutter with my kids, so anything important to them they keep but they do also choose things to go. We have a permanent charity bag that we all put things into regularly as we come across them.

I would never their something belonging to someone else without checking, it's controlling and rude.

YABVVVU

London flat with little storage. There is no room- trust me- and I am tired talking about it. There are bog standard polo shirts. I only have 5 pairs of shoes for the same reason so it's not like I have tons of stuff and he doesn't.

Doing things for others does not help them to change their ways. I never touch my partner's stuff but I do encourage him to declutter. And we are making some progress. Last time we moved house, I let him pack his own stuff. He insisted I had more so I made a point of packing all my things into boxes and loading them in the trunk of my car, then watching him to lag the rest of the stuff into a massive moving lorry. When we started unpacking, he quietly went through his wardrobe and got rid of 50% of his clothes.
The kiddo is the opposite of him. She had one look at the unopened boxes we moved from our previous house and said she doesn't know what's in them and we can throw it away without unpacking. We took all her old books and toys to the charity shop in those boxes. Her dad tried to fish things out but I said it is her decision and needs to be respected.
When I was growing up, my mum would throw my things away and it took years before I was able to let go of anything due to this. So no, I don't touch stuff that belongs to others but I do encourage them to think about the practicalities of having this much stuff.

Could you create a « secret triage » ?

You could shove things in a bin bag or storage tub and hide it. If no one has said « where’s x » in a months or 2 then take it to the charity shop. If they do miss it they will ask where it is and you can grab it out the box.

I absolutely have to do this with ds3 (7) because he's a total hoarder and always wants to keep every single item he's ever laid hands on.

Not just toys - clothes, pockets and pockets full of pebbles, shells, sticks. Even rubbish sometimes ('oh please can I keep the packets, they're just...um...really shiny!'). When I cleared his wardrobe last year I made the stupid mistake of letting him see a bag of clothes I'd removed that were all too small/full of holes (but nothing 'special' in there) and he cried his heart out - not a tantrum, real upset. Neither ds1 or 2 were like thus so I'm really hoping he grows out of it.

With dh though - no. I do de-clutter random generic stuff that I feel he wouldn't care about but I'd never get rid of any of his stuff and definitely not things he'd expressed he wanted to keep. So disrespectful and I'd be FURIOUS if he did it to me.

I keep 2 large bags for life on my landing, one for the charity shop and another for the clothes bank. If anyone disagrees with the choices they can remove the items but it rarely There's usually full bags every few weeks.
A very favourite toy of mine was lost during a family move when I was little and I looked for it for years so I don't do really radical clearouts.

I do this all the time not with possessions per se but my DH and DS keep shoe boxes, nails, bits of bloody wood! an old tile that may be of use (that doesn’t match any of our tiles!). It drives me mad!! My DS in on holiday with his mates soon - and I have already got my eye on 3 shoes boxes, the front panel of his old chest of drawers (kept for what reason???) and some old vodka bottles!!!

My mum was genuinely scarred by her parents taking this approach to her belongings, to the point she is now a minor hoarder (it’s fortunate my parents have a large loft) and finds it very difficult to part with things, even when they no longer hold any value (things relating to a job she retired from years ago).

I agree with others that if the ‘clutter’ bothers you tremendously you need to communicate to them how you are feeling, and work with them to minimise it. Otherwise you are essentially saying that your feelings trump theirs and I’m not sure that’s a fair approach.

I am going to assume a lot of people here don't live in London or don't move around a lot.

I probably would be more ruthless/secretive with DH’s stuff than your daughter’s. Things that lack sentimental value and could be easily and cheaply replaced could go.
With my DC, we had chats about refugee children who had had to leave their countries not taking many or any toys with them. As your DD is 7 she’ll be able to empathise with how this must feel. I found that stuff -even some diff toys were then donated quite willingly ( not huge bags at a time, but big by bit) as it gave them a “warm” feeling.

How would you feel if someone else decluttered your stuff without your input and not knowing what was important to you and what had sentimental value?

I think you are out of order. I would get them to watch shows like Sort Your Life Out and see if that sparks any desire to declutter. Or ask their permission to declutter on their behalf. Don't be dishonest and sneaky.

If he decides you only need 3 pairs of shoes is he allowed to chuck 2 out?