Secret decluttering...

[Mummyof287]

We live in a fairly small home, I hate clutter, untidiness,too much stuff etc....it makes my brain feel so overwhelmed.

Trouble is DH and oldest DD (7) don't like getting rid of anything (despite DH often complaining that there is no space and too much stuff!)
Due to this, I have taken it upon myself over the years to routinely get rid of things (often secretly) to the charity shop etc, if it's things I know they won't notice, but sometimes I feel guilty about doing this as I know if they did know (this is mainly DD's stuff) they might not have wanted it to go.

I've sometimes been abit too ruthless then regretted it, and have even bought some stuff back from the charity shop before.
I'm currently regretting sending a soft toy there last week that I then saw a photo of DD with as a toddler and remembered was quite special to her then.I know she and DH probably wouldn't be very pleased if they knew it had gone to the charity shop, although she has soo many more and if I don't mention it neither of them will notice.

AIBU? What do other people do?! It's a constant battle in my brain....wanting a tidy uncluttered home, but not knowing what to keep or not...i am quite sentimental and from a very sentimental family who kept everything.But they had a big 4-bed detached house so they had space to!

Depends how much space it takes up 😀

@Sansan18 i do this too. Always a bag for life on the go, and unless family remove stuff from it, then contents go to charity when bag is full

I'd be livid if my DP threw out my belongings when my back was turned. Shocked how many people are admitting to it

I should add we also have a permanent charity shop box that I take to the charity shop every other Friday. The other thing I do regularly with DC is clear out their rooms with them. We call it ‘thank you and goodbye’

Ultimately, I don’t want them to end up like my dad - overly attached to inanimate objects to the point that no family can stay with them because the whole house is rammed with…. Just stuff.

I haven’t spent a night in my dad’s house since 2010. No room for people.

…or if someone has secretly binned it.

I have suggested to my DH that throwing away his old phone manual is "theft". He has fallen over laughing. And while he was distracted, I threw out the packet of chia seeds he is hoarding but has never uses.

Been married over 25 years. I simply don't have the patience for these long discussions people appear to be having with hoarders who won't listen. Life is too short. And cluttered.

A 7 year old is not able to make these sorts of decisions. They are going to want to keep everything because they do not understand things about limited space and hoarding. It's just not on their radar. It's our jobs as parents to make those decisions for them - keep the important stuff and ditch the rest of it. Keeping every single thing they have ever expressed even a tiny bit of emotional attachment to - just NO.

However it does seem as if your DH has chronic hoarding tendencies too if he is struggling to throw things away.

You need Stacey Solomon to sort your life out...

See that seems to be a bit of a thing on this thread....the "chuck it out folk" see the rest of us as "hoarders"

I never throw my DH belongs out unless it's clothing that is falling apart without asking him first..

Loft clearance was a major job I spent one day every week on mission loft...got a set amount down night before and sorted through, charity, boot sale, or that same day dump run...

My stuff once I got going I was ruthless with...lord it felt good getting rid of stuff that not only filled the cupboards but my head too.

No regrets at getting rid of anything.

However I do wish DH would apply the same mindset to his sheds full of, well.. whatever clutter that will fit in...

It really does. I find homes with nothing sentimental the most depressing places to be.

And often the things that are there are kind of token and tasteless. An example of this is “ The Artwork.” Instead of being something that adds to a collection and builds up a layering effect of style, it is normally a single offering, cheaply framed and positioned above the mantle where The Artwork “should” be. Plonk. Always looks like it came from Homebase or was the product of a specific outing one Saturday morning which had been designated as the day to acquire The Artwork, and something had to be bought or the “task” was not ticked off the list.

I like homes that look like treasures are found in auctions or the owner “couldn’t resist.” Or a painting handed down that was inevitably the subject of a friendly squabble because several siblings had all loved it.

Another thing is books. If you can bring yourself to throw it when you’ve “finished with it” you are reading the wrong books.

I dont see anyone as anything really @godmum56 blut the fact is we have limited space. So if DH wants to live in a small downsized flat he has to cut his stuff down. As do I.
If we ever have a garage, a shed and an attic, he can have his boxes back. But we don't.

I’m a thrower outer don’t look back person. Honestly I would carry on, if it’s very sentimental (photographs , childhood Toy, note singular) then I do keep it but general stuff has to go look on it as doing a good deed and give to a charity shop!

still doesn't mean that binning needs to be done secretly.

oh I will happily clear out the books I have finished with and will never read again. If I get hold of a "wrong book" it usually goes out the door before the end of the first chapter and of course there are always the books that I enjoyed at a certain time of my life but no longer. The only books I keep are my first editions (bought when new, not worth thousands) my signed copies and anything I like to re read or consult that I can't get on kindle. I really do chuck or at least hand on. My current project is the attic (have done the garage and both sheds) My knees don't like the attic ladder much any more so it has to be emptied for good while I still can. I am also good at finding things in charity shops and so on and enjoying them for a while then they go. My only issue with decluttering is doing it to other's things secretly.

While I agree with this in principle, what happens when the space needed to store these "things" takes up all spare space in the house, shed and attic and makes your home an unhappy place to live? And then doing a "big" declutter leads to a couple of bin bags going out and no discernible difference?

then the hoarding issue needs to be addressed. Secretly sneaking stuff out won't decrease the amount of stuff in the home, it will just be different stuff. If the home is that unhappy, and I accept that it is possible, then its a bigger issue than sneaking a few bags out will solve.

What's the solution for hoarding though? Bar divorce? Sometimes people have to work within what they can achieve.

I do know that sneaking a bag out here and there isn't it.

I am a stealth declutter-er due to my DH complete inability to throw anything away. He is the king of “I must chuck/sell/donate this” but NEVER does. We have been married for 20 years!

I do it very slowly and imperceptibly - complex system of boxing stuff up and putting in garage/loft and eventually chucking/donating. He has never noticed or asked for the myriad of paperwork (bank statements for a bank account he closed 5 years ago, printed out articles from the internet for a training course he did 15 years ago for example) through to the M&S t shirt he wore once 10 years ago and now doesn’t fit him.

I am very careful to keep anything that is sentimental of his - photos, birthday cards etc but we now have space to store these properly as I am not fighting through boxes of his (genuine) crap.

I can now keep on top of new stuff coming into the house so much better as well because I know all the “legacy” stuff is gone

I feel no guilt 🙂

@godmum56 i will take a punt that you live alone and that you’re a hoarder

for your marriage it might not be / have been

for other marriages it might well be

I’m not a hoarder but I do find it hard to let go of things.

I have some items that seem worthless but which mean a lot to me. I live in fear of someone taking it upon themselves to throw them out.

widowed now and no not a hoarder.

Not according to another thread on the matter! You’d need to hire storage for all your stuff if you ever put the house on the market

To be fair there is a difference between being a collector of sorts - just being actually interesting - and a hoarder. Have you seen those hoarder houses on tv? It’s like stacks of old Asda flyers and things dating back years. Having a house full of cherished items is really quite different. Not everyone wants to live in a house that is about as impersonal and aesthetically desolate as a Premier Inn.

I have a minimalist cousin, so at least there is an overriding aesthetic rather than just being Spartan because you can’t manage to juggle more than the basic tools for existence, but even her house ( and everything in it has cost a heart-stopping fortune) ( I guess she could afford to because she only had to buy a few items🤣) makes me feel a bit depressed and nihilistic after a while. There’s no soul, no history, no sense of education somehow. Just acres of expensive flooring, state of the art technology, Italian leather, and a few pieces of art that could have fed an African Village but instead fed ( and probably sent to the Maldives) an artist who chucked a bit of paint at an oversized canvas. It’s … boring. And if anyone so much as farts she has to start polishing the floor-to-ceiling windows in case the airborne particles blemish them - notwithstanding that I’m sure there is some kind of fart-operated fan that whirs discreetly into life on first detection. It’s kind of anti-existence.

it more than that
much more
according to the PP herself