Secret decluttering...

[Mummyof287]

We live in a fairly small home, I hate clutter, untidiness,too much stuff etc....it makes my brain feel so overwhelmed.

Trouble is DH and oldest DD (7) don't like getting rid of anything (despite DH often complaining that there is no space and too much stuff!)
Due to this, I have taken it upon myself over the years to routinely get rid of things (often secretly) to the charity shop etc, if it's things I know they won't notice, but sometimes I feel guilty about doing this as I know if they did know (this is mainly DD's stuff) they might not have wanted it to go.

I've sometimes been abit too ruthless then regretted it, and have even bought some stuff back from the charity shop before.
I'm currently regretting sending a soft toy there last week that I then saw a photo of DD with as a toddler and remembered was quite special to her then.I know she and DH probably wouldn't be very pleased if they knew it had gone to the charity shop, although she has soo many more and if I don't mention it neither of them will notice.

AIBU? What do other people do?! It's a constant battle in my brain....wanting a tidy uncluttered home, but not knowing what to keep or not...i am quite sentimental and from a very sentimental family who kept everything.But they had a big 4-bed detached house so they had space to!

See, I think people who can't handle throwing away cardboard boxes need therapy!

Maybe they do, but in the meantime, chucking their stuff out isn't going to make anything any better!

If someone threw away one of my deceased dad's old shirts or jackets, I would be heartbroken, genuinely.

It'll make things better for the other poor sods who have to share living in the same cluttered house!

the cardboard box thing is interesting. I put them doen under mulch or chippings in the garden to clear areas for planting but about half the boxes that i keep never get used because neighbours know I have a box stash and come and ask me if I have any spare for them to store/transport/ship stuff in.

Oh I agree with this.
This reminds me of my childhood where stuff I valued was thrown out or destroyed without even telling me. As children my siblings and I didn't really count as of any significance and this was just one of the symptoms of it.
I've never ever thrown out or disposed of anything belonging to my DH or my DS without consulting them. Nor disposed of any " family" possession without us talking about it first.
It's a horrible thing to do to anyone. I sign of real disrespect for their feelings.

Maybe in the short-term, but not when they start collecting even more stuff because the root issue isn't addressed, or end the relationship because you've broken their trust.

I'm sure someone will come along and tell me that's melodramatic or ridiculous though!

Ha! You would envy me at Christmas time, boxing things up to send people. I don’t pay a penny for packaging as I keep all the sturdiest and nicest sized boxes. Last year I found a Ralph Lauren shirt on sale for my niece ( nice but heavily reduced) and lo and behold in my “ box cupboard” I found a beautiful navy blue gift box with gold Ralph Lauren lettering and the grosgrain ribbon inside. Looked worth twice the price by the time I’d boxed it up! Judicious box keeping is an art, not a mental health issue.

Would you seriously expect me to store the stuff I mentioned in my post?? The DPs old car paperwork goes back 4 addresses!! Totally irrelevant to our life now.
As regards the clothing… well, let’s just say he hasn’t fitted into these items for many a long year, and at 60, he’ll look damn silly in boy-band jeans and too tight slogan T-shirts.
My stuff gets sorted and decluttered even the Ddogs stuff gets sorted and decluttered - house rules 😉

Hire a storage unit.
Move everything there
Say that if they don't miss it in 12 months it all goes

Please don't get rid of someone's stuff behind their back. It is dreadful and can erode their trust in you and make them insecure and anxious. It can even contribute to people becoming proper hoarders.

I regularly declutter with my children and husband. Overtime my children aged 7 and 10 have got really good at it. We do it regularly and they know that nothing ever goes unless they say so but it’s amazing what they are ready to let go of each time we go through things. It’s hard with children because the little things are sometimes the most important. That said, I don’t hesitate to bin the long forgotten little party bag bits and bobs as soon as the novelty has worn off and likewise only keep key artwork long term. With my husband I have to hold things up and give some encouragement 😂 but he is getting better.

HES NOT DEAD!! He’s still alive and well in his late 80s - and his favourite hobby is getting rid of his old crap to No1 son - who dumps it in my house and shed - my shed is full of shite that is not mine😡

DM was terrible for this and I resented her for it as have nothing from growing up except my school reports and a handful of photos
When my DC were younger I managed this by regular clear outs with them and they loved doing a garage sale or car boot - to buy new things from the proceeds
They both had a big sentimental box in the attic but had to be selective when it was getting full to brim
I kept a few things like first shoes, baby bracelet, lock of hair etc and they loved that I did
I’m a collector more than a hoarder, but don’t really find it that hard to get rid of things
DP is a hoarder and finds it painful to dispose of his stuff - thankfully we don’t live together so I leave him to it

Yes it is serious.
The person who happily disposes of other people's belongings is not only saying the possessions aren't of any value IN THEIR OPINION but the feelings and opinions of the person the possessions belong to aren't of any value.
Or at least, not as valuable as those of the person doing the disposing.

Who gives someone the right to disrespect other people's feelings in this way?

I would hate someone throwing out my stuff. I think there has to be a meeting in the middle. Maybe box up DDs stuff and take it down in 3 years and go through it again. We recently got rid of about 75% of soft toys, DD was told she could only keep enough for 1 shelf and she chose which ones. Dh won't part with CDs and DVDs so they have been moved into a suitcase out of sight. I told him I'm going through it some day and he agreed to get rid of some. I have other things I'm sentimental about so I get it a bit. But my dad is a bit of hoarder and I get how bad it can be if not addressed. I think you are playing a dangerous game OP.

I would still be really pissed off if you decided it wasn't worth keeping and to throw it away behind my back.

If you have other issues in your relationship then deal with them - don't go around chucking people's stuff in the bin without their permission, it's just shitty IMO.

I used to get rid of DDs small tat/toys secretly when she's in school.
She loved collecting all these plastic junk from party bags, happy meal toys and never let them go! Ever growing collection of soft toys made me mad as well.
She forgot about plastic toys quickly but kept looking for soft toys that were "missing". One day she must have realised something and she started writing everything single soft toy she owns in her little notebook!
Since then I stopped giving soft toys to charity without asking her. We go through a bag of stuff together once a month, but she can't usually throw most of them. 😕

Much to my chagrin , I don’t got my 7 year old Mickey t shirt now either. But I like to have it. And if I got rid of it, I want to be the one to make the call.

I’ve done this - especially clothes I know he can’t get in …

Christ almighty! What’s your problem? YOU assumed wrongly that DPs DDad was dead!
Now you’re coming at me for slinging a manky many-years-old smelly jacket thing!! If only I had known you then, you could have taken it, framed it and given it back, then it could hang on my living room wall!
Who mentioned “relationship issues” DP is a lovely man, who is not beyond helping bits of stuff disappear the house too.
Dont take your embarrassment out on me!!!!

You should be apologising not going at me!

Bloody hell 😂

DH came from a family that did this, one parent being the chief of throwing out, and remembers the hurt from quite a young age up to the point he left home. They also didn't have much money so the toys etc he remembers were either gifts or from car boot sales, etc, but were still given away and not kept very long in a shared space. Nevertheless, some of the things he now knows were really rare (Star Wars and metal cars) and now would be worth £200 plus - and this is also something he is still reminded of as rather unforgiveable.

I'm the complete opposite philosophy at throwing out, but negotiate up to 3- 4 times a year if people want new things - have a discussion about 'one in- one out' to get boxes together and all do it at the same points (or more if you are book hoarders as we all are) and the pleasure that other people are really likely to get from the items.

yup this...the disrespect thing. My mother was a dressmaker, she worked in the Lutyens House in London. They made clothes for Wallis Simpson there. When the story broke one of the London papers (I think the Daily Sketch) made a double page spread of her trousseau (0uter and day garments only!!) and my mother pinned scraps of the materials to the pages. Her mother was a manic chucker and while my mother was away in the army, she burned it! I am a clearer outer. My life has recently changed again and lots of things that I needed/wanted to keep have gone out the door but its my choice done at my pace.

The T-shirts I am referring to are mingy things that he’s used for painting or car work in, with a myriad of stains on them…def not Mickey Mouse! He won’t fit in them, won’t use them for rags so they are pointless! No sentimental value.
I got rid of masses of stuff to make room for his stuff when moved in so we are still tight for space as he’s filled the room back up.
Car manuals for 1988 cars, anyone?

oh PS I have zero compunction about passing on books and will bin or cut them up for crafts as well. pretty much the only ones I keep now are my signed ones, first editions and those I can't get on kindle.