Secret decluttering...

[Mummyof287]

We live in a fairly small home, I hate clutter, untidiness,too much stuff etc....it makes my brain feel so overwhelmed.

Trouble is DH and oldest DD (7) don't like getting rid of anything (despite DH often complaining that there is no space and too much stuff!)
Due to this, I have taken it upon myself over the years to routinely get rid of things (often secretly) to the charity shop etc, if it's things I know they won't notice, but sometimes I feel guilty about doing this as I know if they did know (this is mainly DD's stuff) they might not have wanted it to go.

I've sometimes been abit too ruthless then regretted it, and have even bought some stuff back from the charity shop before.
I'm currently regretting sending a soft toy there last week that I then saw a photo of DD with as a toddler and remembered was quite special to her then.I know she and DH probably wouldn't be very pleased if they knew it had gone to the charity shop, although she has soo many more and if I don't mention it neither of them will notice.

AIBU? What do other people do?! It's a constant battle in my brain....wanting a tidy uncluttered home, but not knowing what to keep or not...i am quite sentimental and from a very sentimental family who kept everything.But they had a big 4-bed detached house so they had space to!

We have tiny flats and room shares elsewhere in the country

Thanks for all the replies- seems opinions are very divided!
So I don't really declutter DH's stuff, I mainly just encourage him to do so.I admit I did used to secretly get rid of some of his old clothes sometimes, but don't tend to anymore, and he doesn't really have much stuff himself.It's more that he moans about DDs having lots of stuff but then when I then say let's get rid of X,Y,Z he will think of a reason not to.
He grew up without much,and his parents kept nothing sentimental really,;so he admits he finds it hard to get rid of things...he even asks me to chuck things in the bin for him sometimes although I try to get him to do it 🙈

I do get the point that generally it's not fair or right to get of someone else's possessions, which is why i do feel quite guilty about it sometimes, but DD would literally never want to get rid of anything if I left it all upto her....I've tried going through things with her instead trying to get her to choose things to keep or sell/pass on but it doesn't usually work.
I would never get rid of something if I asked her and she was strongly against it and she still has plenty of toys!

I only get rid of things I know she won't notice.... never any of her favourite possessions, and do usually ask her if it's a main thing and i'm unsure....it's more all the soft toys, books, art stuff etc....I know she has so much and most she doesn't have a major attachment with or access often.
Trouble is, I feel like if I didn't do that, the house would be an absolute mess, but I probably do need to be abit more careful.
Mostly I think I get it right, but sometimes I'm probably abut too ruthless.
Sometimes I get a buzz from clearing stuff out but forget that once it's gone it's gone.

Some good advice around putting stuff away for awhile in the attic in a box etc then re-evaluating awhile later!

If there's no room and after a discussion and nothing changing, yes.

I don't dispose of anything that belongs to my DD without her permission. She is also a bit of a sentimental hoarder! But my mother used to throw out my stuff all the time and it was awfully violating.

What I do say though is that her stuff/mess/hoard cannot spill out into the rest of the house - shared spaces are to be kept orderly. She can do what she likes with her own room and I can do what I like with mine.

Sometimes I'll get her to put a pile of things in a big box and we go through together to work out what she can let go of. That works well. Usually ends up about half and half.

Put yourself in their shoes - how would you feel if your DH took a load of your clothes to the charity shop and you discovered it months later when you wanted the item? 100% you'd hate it.

I have lived in even tinier flats in SE Asia. You can't magick space out of nowhere. You live according to the space, as you live within your income.

I feel your pain op, this week I have been to the charity shop loads and each times taken something back out before handing the bags over.

I also drove away regretting a newborn top of dds that I handed over, she is 21 now.

So you’d genuinely be okay to come from work to find your shoes and clothes had been thrown in the bin or destroyed, even though you’d told your DH you wanted to keep them?

4 years ago my mum chucked out my dad's vintage Levi's because they were too stretched at the knees and blatantly too 1960s. 4 years later he's still looking for them in his wardrobe occasionally.

Please please equip your child with the skills to manage their clutter - otherwise they will go into adulthood poorly equipped to manage their emotions, their environment and their belongings

My DSD both got to about 12 before they were happy to let go of some of their childhood toys

That is so sad

Do you honestly think holey old Lacoste polos need to be hoarded for years across many intercountry moves? All my clothes are in good condition. If they get faded and old I throw them out and so can anyone else, really.

I think people are making this an overly sentimental issue, honestly.

100%.

A lot of those hoarding shows feature adults who had their stuff thrown away as children and now they can't bear to part with anything as it's too traumatic.

@CharlotteRumpling I don't think it's my business what clothing my DH chooses to keep 🤷‍♀️

Being an adult is not constantly blaming your parents for every little thing including decluttering. I think the word trauma is really overused and this is an example.

We find it hilarious!

He's not walking naked and has plenty of other appropriate clothing to wear. And he's a big boy, can handle not looking like a hobo.

I'm with OP - chuck it all out if it's not used!

Yes if that is what he wants to keep.

You find it hilarious?

That's really nasty

LOL. Hoarding disgusting things is materialistic; materialism is nasty.

Chucking things out that are not in good shape or form shows that a person is not materialistic and is able to handle change. Adulthood!

I think you need to be careful about getting rid of other people’s things. My mother used to do this when I was growing up and I still remember how upset I felt. Her choices about the keep/discard weren’t my choices.

These days with children of my own I try to get them on board with the decluttering and they are surprisingly good at making choices. They understand the lack of space and the idea of some things being treasured and others not. When they were younger they would choose some soft toys that weren’t special (not named) that could move on to be adopted by another family.

I remember how when my dad died I had to go and help my mum deal with all the years of clutter he had accumulated because he was too scared to ever throw anything away. Took a month. Shirts he hadn't worn for years, books he had never read, bank statements, holey old socks, newspaper clippings, gifts people gave him. They did have a big house so just kept shoving it in the attic or in various cupboards.

That was traumatic too.

@CharlotteRumpling who said anything about constantly blaming your parents?

It's fairly well understood that conditions like hoarding stem from trauma of some kind - and while chucking your child's stuff away may seem fairly minor, when it goes along with other problematic behaviour then yes, it can cause trauma.

Obviously that doesn't mean that chucking your child's stuff in the bin will traumatise them, but that in some exceptional cases, it can cause lifelong problems.

I move things into the garage and then into the car. It is a slow process. I'm more brutal with my own stuff. That gets bagged up and straight out.

This was mine and my mums' experience with my dad's possessions aswell....

Came onto this thread because I am decluttering at the moment. I just binned up two of my jackets for the charity shop and asked DH to contribute one. Which he did somewhat reluctantly. Maybe there is hope yet! Going to drop them off before he changes his mind. I have no garage so they leave the house tout suite
DDs cupboard tomorrow.