Secret decluttering...

[Mummyof287]

We live in a fairly small home, I hate clutter, untidiness,too much stuff etc....it makes my brain feel so overwhelmed.

Trouble is DH and oldest DD (7) don't like getting rid of anything (despite DH often complaining that there is no space and too much stuff!)
Due to this, I have taken it upon myself over the years to routinely get rid of things (often secretly) to the charity shop etc, if it's things I know they won't notice, but sometimes I feel guilty about doing this as I know if they did know (this is mainly DD's stuff) they might not have wanted it to go.

I've sometimes been abit too ruthless then regretted it, and have even bought some stuff back from the charity shop before.
I'm currently regretting sending a soft toy there last week that I then saw a photo of DD with as a toddler and remembered was quite special to her then.I know she and DH probably wouldn't be very pleased if they knew it had gone to the charity shop, although she has soo many more and if I don't mention it neither of them will notice.

AIBU? What do other people do?! It's a constant battle in my brain....wanting a tidy uncluttered home, but not knowing what to keep or not...i am quite sentimental and from a very sentimental family who kept everything.But they had a big 4-bed detached house so they had space to!

We are in the process of moving to a smaller house, all of us are having to down size our possessions accordingly.
Funnily enough both myself and the kids understand the task at hand, my husband on the other hand is a complete nightmare!
Obviously he wants to take his tool collection with him (hates DIY and never uses them!) but also wants to take all of the tiny loose screws, wall plugs, bits of curtain wire etc that he has accumulated over the years....they have mysteriously found their way into the bin and will have been lost in the move!
We had a collection of dvds in the cupboard that no one had watched in years, guess who wanted to bring those with us? We don't have a dvd player anymore.....again they will mysteriously disappear during the move.
Sometimes you have to be ruthless or you will end up living in squalor because no one wants to let anything go, yes this applies to me as well.

@YellowphantGrey that's awful. So glad you left.

I think your situation is quite different from the OP. You had only just moved in. These were not boxes of things sitting aroung for months/years and it was also not the case that your partner did all the cleaning and organizing and was constantly being hindered by your stuff that you ddidn't use and was constantly in his way.

All these things are true in OP's case, so she is more than justified. She lives in that house too.

I think if you aren't sentimental about things it's hard to quite get how bothered other people are, even if you are quite usually empathetic. It took me about 20 minutes to clear all my dads stuff when he died - he didn't really have anything that was his to be honest , his watch which i assume my mum has and then I kept an old wallet but about a week later thought why am I keeping this and binned it as it was what I thought people did rather than what I wanted to do. On the one hand it was objectively quite sad, 80 years and nothing to show really albeit there are some joint things as my mum is still alive (but probably only photos as she moved and got new everything) on the other hand is it memories that are the thing rather than possessions (although the things evoke the memories perhaps) and my dad wasn't very keen on me!

My mum never kept anything though, she had my baby book and christening robe and a portrait of me but she gave those all to me, obviously didn't want them cluttering her house. I try and be a bit more human, I have my daughters babygrow that she came out of hospital in and try and keep school things. It's hard though , some people have said upthread having everything thrown away makes you a hoarder, in my case I have kept the ruthless streak and have to think hard not to just get rid of everything.

That was all a bit jumbled and rambly apologies.

Obviously a collection of Beatles records is rather different to the cardboard box that the Hoover came in and about 500 bits of old wire! So yes, some discretion necessary but it's simply impossible to keep everything. I kept my dad's furniture, about 70% of his books, and all the photos. I tend to keep books over everything.

i think when its baby stuff its different and its a good idea to bring kids up with the concept of releasing stuff that they no longer use but the day while I am still alive that anyone but me declutters me will be they day they are thrown out of my house never to return. Also i would be going round to theirs with a skip......

Surely there's a difference between getting rid of stuff that the person hasn't even remembered they owned, and getting rid of sentimental items? Otherwise you'd end up keeping every McDonalds' toy, every rubbish book that was given for a birthday and never read, etc.

When my Mom died this year, there was nothing to clear out because she never kept anything. There was a carrier bag of 6 nighties, two pairs of Slippers and furniture. She gave me her Beatles records in the late 90s. That's all I had and the ex decided to donate them because they were in a box (read my previous post)

Now she's gone, I've got nothing to remind me. No photos from childhood, only a few taken on my phone. She refused to have photos taken and growing up we never had them around the house.

It's also upsetting not to have anything other than an Order of Service from the funeral.

It works both ways.

I am a total cull queen! My brain cannot handle clutter. I'm usually left to my own devices but I recently got caught with my DH old golf putting mat (the child had puked on it and the stain never really went) and the mat was replaced. But he did go mad at me 🙈

@Mummyof287

My DH is, not quite a hoarder, but an "I may need that someday"-er.

So when I do a secret declutter I do it when the Xmas decs come out and things get moved/put away 'for the season'. I take the things I'm decluttering and put them in nondescript boxes up on a high shelf in our storage room or my office. After the season they just don't get put back. I wait a few weeks and if he doesn't notice, out they go. I've only had a few instances where he's actually noticed that some of his crap is gone. I feign innocence and he forgets about it in a few days.

I don't know what I'm going to do when we downsize. Buy a place with lots of random cupboards I suppose.

Oh absolutely but there's some on here that seem to think they can give away anything they like because they deem it clutter and acting like being sentimental is an invalid emotion.

My record collection for example was given away within a week of moving, despite me having the shelving and set up alongside my record player and he tried to give the shelving away too as it wouldn't be needed, that's why I moved back home and dumped him. This is the same bloke who kept a black bag of band t shirts from his teens. Some were faded, some were torn, some had holes in and none of them fitted him but these absolutely had to be kept and wasn't allowed on the loft.

That's why I think you need to work together to declutter, not just one person who has decided they can go ahead and do as they please.

It's always easier to get rid of someone else's stuff because you don't know its history or meaning

This is the thing though isn't it - what's important to one person means nothing to someone else.

DH keeps all sorts of (what I consider) crap - but it's his crap and he would, understandably, be really pissed off if I decided that I had the right to chuck it without his permission.

You use books as an example of stuff you've kept - how would you feel if your DH thought books were a waste of wall space and got rid of them? Pretty upset, I imagine. As irrational as it seems, he probably feels similarly about the old shirts or the bits of old wire.

Ultimately, throwing away your children's belongings is theft. You may think they won't notice, but inevitably you won't be right and there will be things that they are genuinely very sad to lose.

You need to let them have their own space and close the door on it. It's fair enough to say that their stuff mustn't intrude on your spaces, but that should be your limit.

See DH's and to a lesser extent DDs stuff is intruding into my space, actually.

If you can't handle what you think is clutter, that is your problem which you need to solve, if necessary with therapy.

Well, I think it's fair enough to say "your stuff needs to stay in your space" but I still don't think you get to just chuck it out as a result.

I put all DH's stuff in a box and let him sort it as/when he wants. He does do it eventually!

It's not materialism to keep hold of an object that brings joy

I feel your pain, married to someone who will not throw anything away. I have been known to get rid of some of his stuff secretly if I am absolutely sure he will not miss it. I know what the answer would be if I asked him first.

I can just imagine the Motherland episode with a clammy harassed looking Julia speeding off, having just dragged a bag of toys through the door of Barnados, while Marion comes down the high street with the kids towards the shop.

Me too!! DP moved in a couple of years ago and I’ve been quietly shifting stuff out since… some of this stuff is utter shite (car insurance paperwork from 2011 anyone? Stacks of paperwork and receipts from long-defunct companies?)
The worst is clothing items… a padded loud check lumberjacket shirt ~ that was his Dads🥴 Slogan t-shirts from yonks ago thst will never fit again 🥴 Boy band baggy jeans (he’s 60 now) etc

I collect them by stealth, leave it a good few months then… oops🗑 It keeps me sane and my house tidy and uncluttered😏

See, I think people who can't handle throwing away cardboard boxes need therapy!

But I did see this discussion as light hearted and not as serious as it has become.

I'm 44 and I still have primary school books - mainly my English and Scripture ones. One soft toy and one blanket from childhood and a few medals. I'm not sure what else you need to keep.

But its more interesting why you feel you can't have a conversation about what to keep or not.

its because in part its a serious subject...quite nasty to think that other people's possessions are not valuable and can just be binned.

This made me laugh: it’s exactly what would happen to me.

Oh that’s mean! T shirts don’t take up that much space and can be very sentimental. I still have my Mickey Mouse t shirt from Disneyland when I was 7.