AIBU: Needs Subtitles vs Hates Subtitles

[tvdilemma]

We have a bit of a battle going on in our household, it has been ongoing for years but has come to the forefront over the last few weeks.

My DP and I live with my DD (early 20s). DD is diagnosed autistic with ADHD and sensory processing disorder, and finds that with most television she needs subtitles to understand what’s happening. We watch telly all together in the evenings, always have done. While DP and DD have never gotten along spectacularly well, things have always muddled along just fine, at least on this particular issue.

Lately, DP has taken to complaining when DD asks for the subtitles to be turned on. Not every time, because that would be several times a night, but at least once or twice a week. He moaned about us having them on the other night when he wasn’t even watching the same show, he was heading to the other room to watch the football! It really came to a head when the other day, DD asked to turn the subtitles on and he stormed out of the room. I’ve also found out that on the other telly, DD’s TV in the spare room, he keeps changing the settings back to default as that is the one room in which she has the subtitles automatically turned on. Neither of us would mind as long as he switched them back afterwards, as she uses that room far more than he does, but he doesn’t bother. I usually go and switch them back on afterwards. For reference, I’m totally neutral on subtitles- I don’t mind and even sometimes quite like having them on, but I’d never think to turn them on myself.

I really want to talk to DP about it, but I know he’s going to say that I always prioritise DD over him. I do my best to make sure we all watch what we want to, and DD tries her best not to impose by asking for subtitles on things she knows DP likes more than she does. I know he’ll say he can’t help it and that he finds them annoying and distracting, but I don’t know if that overrules my DD’s sensory disability. My instinct says that my DD’s need wins out, but then I wonder if perhaps I am prioritising DD without even realising it?

Your DP sounds like an utter wanker. This is a reasonable adjustment for your DD's disability and one that really has little impact on him.

My instinct says that my DD’s need wins out, but then I wonder if perhaps I am prioritising DD without even realising it?

You're prioritising her because in this instance it's the right and fair thing to do.

Your DH sounds like a mean spirited dick to be honest.

I’ve also found out that on the other telly, DD’s TV in the spare room, he keeps changing the settings back to default as that is the one room in which she has the subtitles automatically turned on.

What a nasty, petty person.

He moaned about us having them on the other night when he wasn’t even watching the same show, he was heading to the other room to watch the football!

Presumably you asked him why he had an issue with them being on when he wasn't even watching it?! What was his answer?

It really came to a head when the other day, DD asked to turn the subtitles on and he stormed out of the room.

Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who is this unkind and immature? Let alone when it's directed at your daughter.

Crikey. Of course you should (all) make the very small concession of having subtitles on so your DD can more easily understand what is going on. Does your DP think she is lying or that she doesn't need them or something? It seems totally wild that he can accept she needs them but expect her to go without them because he finds it inconvenient.

DD tries her best not to impose by asking for subtitles on things she knows DP likes more than she does.

This is a bit heartbreaking to read.

She's making herself less comfortable in order to make someone else comfortable, even though that person is mean to her and probably makes her feel shit about her additional needs.

Don't you worry that by tolerating this man you're teaching her that women should make themselves less comfortable in order for a man to be more comfortable, even when their needs are due to something as out of their control as autism, sensory processing disorder and ADHD?

This dynamic is setting her up to have unhealthy, unbalanced relationships herself as an adult.

He's a dick.
I'm sorry.

Even if you were prioritising your daughter, why would that be a bad thing?

I have hearing loss and sometimes need subtitles. My DH will have a moan about it but I remind him that there is a difference between accessibility needs and personal preferences. And that usually shuts him up.

Can we just section of a part of the country and send all the men-children to live there together? They probably wouldn't last long but serves them right for not just growing the fuck up!

Needs trump preference every time.

I need subtitles so my late partner put up with them. He needed the hallways kept clear and no coffee table (he'd trip over it) and bright lights due to his poor site despite me preferring the opposite. He got what he needed.

You might need to compromise in some areas if they have conflicting preferences but disability accommodation is not one of those areas. If he keeps shaming your daughter for needing help he is going to ruin her self esteem.

You both need to prioritise your DD. She has a sensory processing disorder. She shouldn’t have to ask every time to have the subtitles on. This should be a given if she is watching something. That this has been going on for years makes my heart hurt. I would have long since been questioning my relationship with DH if he is that much of a nob.

Gosh agree with everyone else.

Why wouldn't you prioritise your daughter's disability?!

I'm also wondering what other areas of life he's complaining about and how this affects your daughter?

it has been ongoing for years but has come to the forefront over the last few weeks.

Have any of his other behaviours changed in any way recently?

I find subtitles really distracting, end up looking at them rather than what's going on on screen. Thought perhaps this was due to my own neurodiversity.

Thought this thread would be someone like me clashing with someone like your DD.

But no, it's some weird controlling thing! Complaining about subtitles when he's not actually watching the TV, and changing settings on a TV he's not using!! Pure controlling behaviour.

I'm 100% team DD. I have an auditory and visual processing disorders and need subtitles in order to watch TV and follow what's happening. He's totally unreasonable to complain about it as she needs it.

Not sure which way we are voting

YABU if you were to pander to his preference.

YANBU for aiding her accessibility requirements.

I assume she’s likely to live with you long term? If so this needs a conversation: he can either fully accept that she needs subtitles and stop making an issue out of it, or he can move out.

a need to be full filled in order for someone to participate in the activity, v a personal preference which doesn't prevent someone participating in an activity?

I really want to talk to DP about it, but I know he’s going to say that I always prioritise DD over him

Well, yes. You should be prioritising her over him, very obviously. Tell him to grow up.

I really cannot imagine wanting to be with someone who treated my daughter like this.

If your dd was deaf would he have a problem with it?

if not then why does it ok for one disability but not the other

I get a bit weary of certain disabilities not being seen as disabled enough or obviously not the right kind of disability.

i get it can be annoying and distracting for some people on some program's. In this house dp is ok 99% of the time but on certain things he asks can we turn it off for this and then it’s up to me if I decide I could try without.
like you’re dd I don’t have them on for everything as if the dialogue (very rare nowadays) is set loud enough compared to the rest of the soundtrack I don’t always need it

I am having to increasingly use them as my hearing is going (but as a by product of another disability so there is nothing physically wrong with it) iv had a couple of people annoyed at me too, I think probably because they don’t actually believe I need them because physically the loss is ok but not how my brain processes the sound now,
although they haven’t actually been brave enough to say that so they make me feel bad or unsociable because I’m using them.

well that’s fine but if I don’t I can’t follow certain things because the music or programs sounds means can’t hear or follow what the characters are saying.

This is so upsetting to read. Why the hell did you move this prick into your daughter's home when they never got along?

Even before I opened the thread - the need trumps the want. So whoever needs subtitles has subtitles, even if someone doesn’t like them.

I really want to talk to DP about it, but I know he’s going to say that I always prioritise DD over him.
And why wouldn’t you? She’s your daughter.

Him changing the default settings on your daughter's own telly is spooky behaviour btw

I voted YABU - purely because it's her NEEDS v his WANTS.

It shouldn't even be a question, and why the hell is he altering her TV ? He sounds nasty. Why on earth are you living with him ?

We have the same dilemma in our household except both DC and DH are neurodiverse.

We have a negotiated settlement where subtitles are on for most things but the things DH really cares about (eg Dr Who) he will be allowed to watch without subtitles and if necessary DC and I watch again another day with subtitles on.

DH is the grownup and able to regulate his emotional reaction to having things not-quite-right. He does genuinely find subtitles distracting and upsetting but he also places DC needs above his own because that's what decent parents do.

Sorry OP but that is awful behavior on his part, your poor DD. I cant believe he actually turns off the subtitles on her TV in the spare room - that is really spiteful.

I use subtitles sometimes as I find my hearing isnt great so it helps me keep up with the story line. DH has never once mentioned it, he doesnt need them but know they help me so he wouldnt dream of complaining about it.

Its just really clear he doesnt care about your DD and that must be very hard.