AIBU: Needs Subtitles vs Hates Subtitles

[tvdilemma]

We have a bit of a battle going on in our household, it has been ongoing for years but has come to the forefront over the last few weeks.

My DP and I live with my DD (early 20s). DD is diagnosed autistic with ADHD and sensory processing disorder, and finds that with most television she needs subtitles to understand what’s happening. We watch telly all together in the evenings, always have done. While DP and DD have never gotten along spectacularly well, things have always muddled along just fine, at least on this particular issue.

Lately, DP has taken to complaining when DD asks for the subtitles to be turned on. Not every time, because that would be several times a night, but at least once or twice a week. He moaned about us having them on the other night when he wasn’t even watching the same show, he was heading to the other room to watch the football! It really came to a head when the other day, DD asked to turn the subtitles on and he stormed out of the room. I’ve also found out that on the other telly, DD’s TV in the spare room, he keeps changing the settings back to default as that is the one room in which she has the subtitles automatically turned on. Neither of us would mind as long as he switched them back afterwards, as she uses that room far more than he does, but he doesn’t bother. I usually go and switch them back on afterwards. For reference, I’m totally neutral on subtitles- I don’t mind and even sometimes quite like having them on, but I’d never think to turn them on myself.

I really want to talk to DP about it, but I know he’s going to say that I always prioritise DD over him. I do my best to make sure we all watch what we want to, and DD tries her best not to impose by asking for subtitles on things she knows DP likes more than she does. I know he’ll say he can’t help it and that he finds them annoying and distracting, but I don’t know if that overrules my DD’s sensory disability. My instinct says that my DD’s need wins out, but then I wonder if perhaps I am prioritising DD without even realising it?

Your DP sounds awful.

He has decided to have a pissing contest over something that your DD needs but is so minor to him. What an absolute arse.

You should prioritise your DD by getting rid of him. I'm sure everyone will be much happier and he will never have to tolerate a subtitle again.

My mum always put her boyfriends needs before mine. She still believes I should put my husbands needs before my kids.

So from personal experience this is also upsetting to read 😔

I hate him. I'm amazed you don't. Shitty, bullying and petty behavior. How unattractive.

He’s being a dick.

He can watch with them on, she can’t properly. Needs trump wants.

Is this symptomatic of a wider issue? You said they’ve never got on, and she’s in her 20s. Is she likely to stay at home for years yet? Do you think he fully realised her needs and the likelihood of her not moving out when he moved in?

I have different needs to your daughter in that I'm hearing impaired, but I've not yet met someone who thinks that their dislike of closed captioning outweighs my need* for it.

Technically, not a need as I wear hearing aids and I'm not severely hearing impaired but unless people are willing to listen a loud TV and the people don't have accents, I miss things without them. I only ask when the main activity is watching the TV as opposed to it just being something in the background.

This isn't really about subtitles.
It's about him being an immature, resentful dick.

Of course you're going to put the needs of your child first.
If he still doesn't get that, he shouldn't be sharing a house with a family.

He actually alters her own TV settings, too!
Where does he get off?

I would be taking this very seriously, as a sign of possible more shitty things to come.

It sounds as though his abusive attitude and behaviour is already affecting your daughter.
Temper tantrum, complaining about reasonable adjustments, sneakily altering her TV, for absolutely no reason, other than to be a nasty bastard…
Fucking disgraceful.

Please don't doubt yourself and protect your daughter from this unpleasant man. From what you've said, I wouldn’t trust him around her.

No idea how to vote here, but why are you letting this man inflict this low level abuse on your disabled daughter? He’s an utter dick and you need to step up.

It’s possible that he resents the fact that she’s still living with you despite being an adult… if so, such behaviours will probably escalate. End this NOW.
Preferably by kicking the twat out.

Could it be more that he is irritated by not getting to watch TV with you alone, since your daughter is an adult?

Maybe he think she should watch her own TV? (not saying he is right)

I think you are both already prioritising him and YABU to do that. Watching the thing he wants, DD not asking for the subtitles to not impose.

Yes, subtitles can be slightly distracting, but they are there to widen the access to the program to more people.

Sounds he has some other issue and just acts ridiculous about subtitles.

"D"P sounds like a t**t. He might find it a bit frustrating but this is about your DD being able to access the television properly. It is no disadvantage to him having them on but could be for your DD. His behaviour of turning off in spare room also is horrible, and your poor DD feeling she has to step on egg shells to dare to ask for subtitles so she can understand what is going on properly 😔 He will have to like it or lump it and his attitude sounds like a child and indicative of what he truly is like, he does not give a toss about anyone else, it is wider than just the issue in hand it seems. He does not have to make a big deal out of it. I feel particularly passionate about this, maybe because there is a number of people with hearing loss within my close family and so subtitles essential (or sometimes you just don't want it blaring out so can follow along with subs) and if anyone was causing such a fuss I would tell them where to go, as should you and your DD should with DP about this.

The subtitles are an accessibility need. I don't like having subtitles on but I'd never complain if it meant someone couldn't enjoy the show. I'd just have to get used to it.

I can't imagine this is JUST about subtitles, though. You said your partner would likely say you always prioritise DD over him. Are there other areas where DP needs to compromise for the sake of your DD's and he feels resentful? Are subtitles just the outlet that he's fixated on? Not saying that excuses it, of course there are compromises to be made in life when you're supporting a child with additional needs but

Purely on subtitles, though, he's being ridiculous.

You should be prioritising your daughter. If her doesn't get that then maybe he's not the best partner

Surely reasonable (and minor) adjustments for someone with a disability, for something that they need so that they can participate and understand tv, trumps someone 'finding it annoying'.

I'm surprised you even asking the question to be honest, it's not about who the person I'd or the fact she is your daughter and he is your partner. It's about doing the right thing to try and help someone who needs it.

He sounds horrible and I can see why they've never got along if this is how he treats her in general

I can't watch without subtitles and everyone watches with. Why is he making such a big deal?

OP, your partner is a being a complete dick as others have stated. Borderline abusive. Please continue prioritising your daughters needs and remind her that's it's okay to ask for them.

I think what DinnaeFashYersel says above is the perfect thing to say to say to him.

Yeah your husband is a dick. I grew up in a deaf household so subtitles were always on. I'm not hard of hearing at all but I still have them on now. My husband would never dream of telling me to turn them off and if I had a disability that made me need them he'd be making sure they were always on. You are right to put your DD first. Your husband needs to piss off and grow up

To be honest I find it extremely difficult to watch tv with subtitles as I find it very distracting and I struggle to concentrate on the programme.

But if I had a family member with a disability which needed them, I would either just deal with it, do something else or just go to watch in a different room (if it is something I really wanted to watch)

I have partial hearing and need subtitles on at all times, yes they can sometimes be annoying to my husband when it's live programmes as they don't keep up with the speech being said obviously. However, he puts up with it so we can both enjoy the programme as otherwise I can't hear it properly. Your husband is being a dick.

Your DD’s need trumps his preference. Every time.

I really want to talk to DP about it, but I know he’s going to say that I always prioritise DD over him.

Of course your DD is your priority. She should always be your top priority. Being in a relationship with someone with a child means you will always come second to that child. That's how it should be, and if he can't accept that then he shouldn't be in such a relationship.

I don't think this is about the subtitles at all. I think he feels resentful that he's not your number one priority, and he's essentially throwing all his toys out the pram over it. He's being stubborn and immature. He's making you feel that you should be picking him over your DD. Disgusting behaviour.

I don't love subtitles but if someone else wanted or needed them that's cool because I'm not a dick

Tell this arsehole to get over himself.

Yea its distracting at first but tough shit. Your DD needs the subtitles, he'd prefer they weren't on, so it's a total no brainer.

Imagine your DD told you her DP doesn't let her have subtitles on in their own home, what would your reaction be?

He's being an arsehole. An even bigger, shittier arsehole when he's not even interested in the program.

I need subtitles as I struggle to hear some frequencies, mostly affecting deep male voices. I miss so much less because of them. I only turn them off when they're particularly bad live ones which are out of sync with the speech as those ones are sometimes more distracting than helpful for me.

You absolutely must prioritise your child over your boyfriend. How can you doubt this? I find that quite shocking.
Get the man away from your child, he has no right resenting her and should have been dumped long ago. Being resented and bullied by some bloke in her home is going to have damaged her.

Well of course you're prioritising your dd. Quite rightly so.