AIBU: Needs Subtitles vs Hates Subtitles

[tvdilemma]

We have a bit of a battle going on in our household, it has been ongoing for years but has come to the forefront over the last few weeks.

My DP and I live with my DD (early 20s). DD is diagnosed autistic with ADHD and sensory processing disorder, and finds that with most television she needs subtitles to understand what’s happening. We watch telly all together in the evenings, always have done. While DP and DD have never gotten along spectacularly well, things have always muddled along just fine, at least on this particular issue.

Lately, DP has taken to complaining when DD asks for the subtitles to be turned on. Not every time, because that would be several times a night, but at least once or twice a week. He moaned about us having them on the other night when he wasn’t even watching the same show, he was heading to the other room to watch the football! It really came to a head when the other day, DD asked to turn the subtitles on and he stormed out of the room. I’ve also found out that on the other telly, DD’s TV in the spare room, he keeps changing the settings back to default as that is the one room in which she has the subtitles automatically turned on. Neither of us would mind as long as he switched them back afterwards, as she uses that room far more than he does, but he doesn’t bother. I usually go and switch them back on afterwards. For reference, I’m totally neutral on subtitles- I don’t mind and even sometimes quite like having them on, but I’d never think to turn them on myself.

I really want to talk to DP about it, but I know he’s going to say that I always prioritise DD over him. I do my best to make sure we all watch what we want to, and DD tries her best not to impose by asking for subtitles on things she knows DP likes more than she does. I know he’ll say he can’t help it and that he finds them annoying and distracting, but I don’t know if that overrules my DD’s sensory disability. My instinct says that my DD’s need wins out, but then I wonder if perhaps I am prioritising DD without even realising it?

Tell him to sod off, I'm partially deaf and was never allowed the subtitles on cos my father hated it, bet this isn't the only thing he's a control freak on.

Your daughter has a disability and this is a very easy accommodation to make. If your DP can’t accept and support your daughter he should move out. It’s horrible that he is making you both feel bad about it.

But that's exactly what they're doing to him by having the subtitles on. There's a known condition that some people have which means that they can't see or concentrate on what's happening on screen as their eyes are drawn to the words! For some it even blocks out being able to concentrate on the sounds on the TV
Regardless of the volume that the TV is on he's not going to be able to enjoy watching anything!

I think this is a symptom of a bigger issue.
Is it possible that your DP is wanting her to move out? Whose house is it? Is there a plan for DD to get her own place in the future?

Whats the name of the condition?

Why would you expose yourself and welcome a man into your home that is like that?

I think he has handled this appallingly.

Seems that there are enough TVs for someone to watch elsewhere if the subtitles are an issue!

He's being a dick.

Could you get a second TV in the room? I know that would depend on whether you watch live or have cable etc.

But I agree need trumps like.

Why wouldn't you prioritise your disabled daughter over anyone? I would prioritise my disabled adult son over everyone, even myself.

Your partner sounds like an immature, childish arse to me, does he understand your child at all? I feel really sorry for your poor autistic dd having had to grow up with this random man that's she's not related to in her life and home all the time. I imagine that's been extremely difficult for her if he can't even understand something as minor and basic as that she struggles to follow the tv without subtitles.

This nasty selfish man should not be allowed in the same house as your daughter. Get rid.

Even when he's watching something in a different room. He's a dick.

DH and I are in the same situation, but he's not a dick.

However I would say (one day too late) that football is the place to compromise, because the subtitles are often in really unhelpful places, because the commentary is an optional extra to the play, and because the live AI transcription is very unreliable. I wouldn't dream of having subtitles on for the football.

Nasty ableism wanker

It’s telling OP that you didn’t come back to the thread. It’s not about subtitles at all.
Yes, you have to prioritize your DD all the time, she is your child and she had disability so she can’t cope without your help and support.
Why did you even ask? She needs subtitles. How would you feel if you needed to wear glasses and someone would regularly take them off you?
This man is not a good man, even if your Dd will move out soon, this man is still selfish twat and I bet he is not nice partner to you either.

What an ( insert expletives of choice) that man is.

Your DD NEEDS the subtitles to understand what she is watching.

Your partner doesn't like that and even interferes with switching them off on her own TV in her room.

If you don't eject him from the household, and I strongly recommend that you should, then by the remotest of chances he has the unnamed subtitle-intolerant condition mentioned upthread, he should go and buy his own TV set, tablet or whatever with headphones and watch what he wants to on that so he does not deny and belittle your daughter's NEEDS to help with her understanding.

How would he like it if you explained everything that was going on on-screen for her, the constant conversation would no doubt irritate him and he would have to put the subtitles on himself as he wouldn't be able to hear above your very necessary descriptions of the plot and characters' actions.

My DD has the same need for subtitles and they are ON permanently on our only telly. IIRC from many assessments years ago, it's a common audio processing deficit and would be considered a reasonable adjustment if required at work.

Please throw him out OP. He should not be going into her room at all, let alone interfering in there. His wants do not take priority over her needs.

I’m sorry but does he even understand her needs? Personally I struggle with subtitles as I find they distract me BUT I would put that to one side if a family member needed them! Changing them back on her tv sounds vindictive and borderline abusive…

What a selfish attitude on the part of your partner!

If he wants to throw a tantrum about this, then I would suggest that you watch TV in separate rooms.

Wow, it must be a pretty serious condition if it even effects him from a different room when he's watching something else? What's it called?

What a dick

And an odd one if it only affects him sometimes.

I'd also like to know the name of this actual condition, it sounds really interesting, I'd love to read the studies about it.

I have ASD as does my son. He doesn't watch much TV but I do and always have subtitles on. It's because our processing is a bit more complex, I don't have hearing problems but the processing of context sometimes impedes what I have perceived in the language. I literally won't watch anything that doesn't have subtitles available.I'm guessing your DD is the same. He's being completely unreasonable and selfish. You need to make it clear that you won't be compromising on this.

Wow, it must be a pretty serious condition if it even affects him from a different room when he's watching something else? What's it called?

Being a controlling dickhead? Yeah, that's a known condition that spoils everyone's enjoyment.

I understand that subtitles are sometimes annoying, but if someone in your household needs them then you just have to put up with them. My DH needs them as his hearing is really bad now - even with his aids in he struggles with the tv. I hardly notice the subtitles now and don’t always turn them off if he is out/not watching. Your DP sounds mean and selfish. Why wouldn’t your daughter be your top priority for goodness’ sake?

This!

What a miserable, petty cunt - your poor DD 😥