AIBU: Needs Subtitles vs Hates Subtitles

[tvdilemma]

We have a bit of a battle going on in our household, it has been ongoing for years but has come to the forefront over the last few weeks.

My DP and I live with my DD (early 20s). DD is diagnosed autistic with ADHD and sensory processing disorder, and finds that with most television she needs subtitles to understand what’s happening. We watch telly all together in the evenings, always have done. While DP and DD have never gotten along spectacularly well, things have always muddled along just fine, at least on this particular issue.

Lately, DP has taken to complaining when DD asks for the subtitles to be turned on. Not every time, because that would be several times a night, but at least once or twice a week. He moaned about us having them on the other night when he wasn’t even watching the same show, he was heading to the other room to watch the football! It really came to a head when the other day, DD asked to turn the subtitles on and he stormed out of the room. I’ve also found out that on the other telly, DD’s TV in the spare room, he keeps changing the settings back to default as that is the one room in which she has the subtitles automatically turned on. Neither of us would mind as long as he switched them back afterwards, as she uses that room far more than he does, but he doesn’t bother. I usually go and switch them back on afterwards. For reference, I’m totally neutral on subtitles- I don’t mind and even sometimes quite like having them on, but I’d never think to turn them on myself.

I really want to talk to DP about it, but I know he’s going to say that I always prioritise DD over him. I do my best to make sure we all watch what we want to, and DD tries her best not to impose by asking for subtitles on things she knows DP likes more than she does. I know he’ll say he can’t help it and that he finds them annoying and distracting, but I don’t know if that overrules my DD’s sensory disability. My instinct says that my DD’s need wins out, but then I wonder if perhaps I am prioritising DD without even realising it?

I have hearing loss and definitely need the subtitles. It has never been an issue for my partner. You husband is being selfish.

He's being an arse. And an ablist arse at that.

I would say that the absolute baseline of being a good person is to want to help out others who need support. I just cannot fathom any decent human being complaining about something that has so little impact on them but such a positive impact on someone with disabilities?
Also 'you prioritising DD over me' that's what every parent should do, surely? Prioritise their child's needs over a partners wants? Concerning that he doesn't understand something so basic!

I am beyond shocked that this dynamic has been allowed to continue. Knowlingly seeing your DD 'muddling' along with someone, be this person her dad or not, is just a no-no for me.
Having had a mother who thought her current DHs needs were greater than mine was so distressing, and I was younger than your DD. Suffice to say, I left 'home' as soon as I could, and was pretty much nc until she died.

What kind of subtitles are they? Like the normal white ones, or sometimes you get green big letters which truly are annoying tbf..

Green subtitles would justify this man's behaviour, in your opinion?

I think you’re on the countdown to him admitting that he wants her to move out and for it to just be the two of you.

He’s going to start making digs about her leaving lights on next, or missing a crumb after making a sandwich. Or spending too long in the bath and using all the hot water.

If you want to keep him, you’re either going to have to start bullying her as much as he is, so he knows that he always comes first and his wants are far more important than her needs, or throw her out so he becomes the master of his own domain. And what a prize you will have won 🙄

If you don’t sit him down and make it very clear that your daughter will always come before him, irrespective of whether she’s 2, 22 or 52, then you’ll have nobody to blame but yourself when he turns the bullying behaviour on you and your daughter doesn’t want to know you.

my DH also hates subtitles.

Me and DS watch an American series on Netflix and always have the subtitles on. I like them on as I'm ND and get distracted by noises around me (DH's dogs mostly) so find the program easier to follow with subtitles. DS likes the subtitles as lots of the vocab is quite technical and he likes knowing what they're speaking about exactly.

What's ridiculous is my DH actually LOVES this program but outrightly refuses to watch it with us as the subtitles are on. Talk about cutting off his nose to spite his face!

@tvdilemma If your daughter is watching Netflix or similar, then can't she just use her own profile where it is then set to always show subtitles (like mine!), so there would be no need to switch them back on or off? Or she could watch on a tablet so the settings were always on?

Of course not. If she needs them she needs them, it goes without saying. But some subtitles are really bad.

Where did I even write that it justified his behaviour, stop making things up in your head.

I feel really sorry for your daughter. The man sounds awful and I honestly can’t imagine keeping someone like that around. I think you need to re-assess your priorities.

I think you’re on the countdown to him admitting that he wants her to move out and for it to just be the two of you.

Agree.

I grew up deaf. Back in the day my parents saved up until they could afford to rent a Teletext TV with subtitles for the about five programmes a week available at that time.

They took such pleasure in seeing me laugh along with them to the wordplay in comedies and experiencing Top of the Pops along with my peers.

When I went to Uni there was a rule that if a deaf student went into the common room to watch TV, and wanted subs, subs they would have without fuss or argument.

My husband put the subs on for me when we were dating and got his family to put them on by default when I was staying with them. No moans, no dramatics.

That’s what decent people do. Fancy a father or stepfather making his own child feel small for wanting such a simple thing.

Subtitles benefit so many people other than deaf and hard-of-hearing people, as your post shows, OP. It’s even been shown that subtitles help children - not only deaf children - with literacy. More widely, it’s well-known that if you can both see and hear information you’re more likely to retain it, which is important for all the things TV is for, to inform, educate and entertain.

Every time he spitefully mucks about with the settings, turn the sound off on the main telly and see how he likes it then!

OMG put your child's needs and disabilities first. There is no reason for him not to have the subtitles on. He is not making it a problem because of the subtitles, but because of your daughter. That should tell you a lot about his attitude towards her. Prioritize her every fucking time over this selfish asshole.

@tvdilemma ? Can you see how awful it is now, this man's bullying of your kid? That the TV is not the dilemma?

He's being a dick, especially going in to her room to change her TV there too!

But i absolutely cannot watch a TV with subtitles on. i cannot listen/watch, and read, it just doesn't all work at the same time. It makes TV viewing extremely stressful for me having words at the bottom.

This doesn’t address the underlying issue of your DP’s lack of empathy, but I bought my autistic DH a soundbar which has vastly improved his tv watching experience. He used to miss a lot of dialogue, but the soundbar makes everything much easier to follow. Ours is a SONOS.

How would he like it if every time he turned on the TV you changed the volume so it could just about make out what was being said but not quite because that's what he is doing to his daughter.

My daughter sometimes uses subtitles because she is dyslexic so she finds it easier to follow. If the subtitles are on I do find myself reading along as well but I'm all for making her life easier. He doesn't sound like he has any love for her. What do they do together other than watching TV?

Your partner is awful I mean genuinely unreasonable and selfish. HE.wants to exclude your Dd from the family by complaining about subtitles!

We have subtitles on for Dh who has titinus it just helps him watch TV and my enjoyment of the programme is fine I don't get distracted.

It really is he sounds manipulative and is clearly abusive and petty.

I don’t understand. It seems like you have been brainwashed to believe it would be a BAD THING to prioritise your DD.

Of course she should be your priority. No question. I feel really sorry for her being bullied by this horrible man in her own home.

Touchy!

You wrote that some subtitles are "truly annoying tbf." Who were you being "fair" to if not this awful man?

I acknowledged that he is right that some subtitles can be highly annoying especially if you have trouble both reading and watching at the same time, and they cover the picture if they are huge. Some are done with AI now and day becomes clay for example, it’s annoying.

I often have subtitles as I’m a fast reader, but my dh finds it difficult if they are on. But as I sometimes do actually need them, he would never complain about it because he is not an arse like op’s partner.

Have a good clay! 😄

Your so called DP is an arsehole, you are not putting your daughter before him if you were you wouldn’t allow such a prick to live with her in the first place

He wants you to himself doesn't he?

You are prioritising your DD over your partner! He can't concentrate with subtitles on, it is actually a known condition where your eyes are drawn to the words and it blur's (either physically or mentally) what is happening on screen. So you're basically saying to your partner your needs and comfort don't matter!
For what it's worth I'm autistic and often need subtitles to understand what's happening but I wouldn't impose them on someone who's eyes are drawn to the words rather than watching what's on screen. It's easier for me to stop doing other things and fully pay attention than it is for someone to stop their eyes being naturally drawn to the subtitles.