AIBU to want a highflying career as well as being a Mum?

[ManhattanMama]

I've only been back at work for 2 weeks and am already having conflicts between work and homelife which I'm struggling to resolve. I work in investment banking, and before having DS (nearly 7 mths old), I used to work 8am - 6.30pm at a minimum, usually longer. Obviously I've already cut back on my hours, and am generally doing 8.30 to 5.30 which just about leaves me enough to time to dash to daycare to pick DS up before 6.30 (I have to take 2 trains to get there).

The problem I've got is that my job just isn't a predictable 9-5 kind of role - things happen which mean that I may have to start early or work late. I've been asked to take part in a Women in Banking mentoring program which means I'm committed to being at work late every Thursday for the next 6 weeks - I asked DH before agreeing whether he was happy for me to do it and he said yes but (surprise, surprise) - the first time I'm home late and he's in a real strop with me because he had to get all of DS's stuff ready for daycare and do the late night feed by himself. He was literally ignoring me this morning as he was so annoyed, so I had it out with him and he said "Now you're a mum you should be happy to just turn up and do the 9-5 then get home to be with our son, not spending time networking and trying to be the career woman".

AIBU or is this completely out of order? Why can I not have a career AND be a good mum? I've worked my rear end off to get to the position I have at the moment and I don't want to do a half-arsed job now just because I have a baby. Things aren't being helped by the fact that everytime I talk to my Mum she says "DS must be finding it so hard only seeing you for an hour a day" - she gave up work to have kids and thinks I should do the same.

What do you think? AIB selfish to want to keep working even though we can afford for me to stop? Career aside, I don't think I could cope with being home with DS all day - it's much harder than working!

Sorry it's so long...

yeah - so old enough to realise that his parents wanted careers so badly that he saw them 1 - 2 hours a day! if he was lucky?

I wanted to give a slightly more reasoned response from a SAHM. I did give up the career, and in some ways it was much harder than working. Whilst the day to day stuff is significantly easier I became very depressed and had to have lots of drugs and therapy to get out of that. As others have said, happy parents generally equal happy child.

I do actually agree with Mrs S that "an unrealistic message is being sent out to women that you can have the baby AND the high flying, long houred work life too. That is just not possible imo" You can of course have the baby, but you can't have the hands on parenting role that a SAHP does. You can't be there for every little problem they have, or for every little thing they achieve. By choosing to work you are missing out on some stuff.

But you know what. That's OK. Making the choice that clinching a big deal is more important than kissing better every bump at the moment it happens is a completely valid choice to make. It doesn't make you any worse a mother, you're just not a full-time childcarer. Men have "given up" that role for generations in favour of working and have not been castigated as being bad parents because of it. If you have good childcare in place the fact that you are not the one doing the day to day feeding/changing/educating and amusing doesn't matter. Just don't make the mistake of thinking that you can do all of that and still have a high-flying career. Something does have to give if you are to retain your sanity. Trying to "have it all" is IMO and E a recipe for disaster. Be content with the choices you make about which bits of "it" you want, and confident that you can still make those choices and be a good parent.

Bth ManhattanMama, I also work in investment banking in a management position, but I have flexible working arranged as has DH. I work long hours, but I start early. Sometimes I am in the office as early as 4 to get things done. Perhaps you could also add to your morning?

If i could afford not to work like the op can and i had the choice to either spend those precious years with my ds witnessing all the wonderful milestones etc that i would never get the chance to see again or do long hours in my career that can easily be put on hold and go back to then i know what i would choose!

(I know by putting a career on hold you have to work hard to get back up to where you left off but it would be worth it)

And dont berate yourself in 20 odd years when your kids say to you "im glad you are here for your grandchildren - wish you had been there for me... IME

But Pru - by choosing not to work you are missing out on some stuff too.

The question is, as I interpreted it, can one be a good enough mother and work full time. I think the answer that many of us posting on this thread have reached, from our own experience is yes.

That doesn't mean that you will be around for every milestone, but that is about what the parent misses out on and whether they are prepared to compromise over that. That is a different issue to whether the child is being inadequately parented.

The thread is here because, feasible - and realistically feasible - though it is to have a engrossing career and a family, it is a whole heap more fun when you gather in all the experience and tips and bonding help you can to make it work - when you do not feel you are all by yourself trying to make headway against exactly the entrenched position that MsSparkles' posts exemplify.

The working-mother friends I've made through this site have brightened up my life immeasurably in the last few years. Of course it could all have been done without them - but I owe the City Phalanx a huge debt. So roll on threads like this.

Ah! You are clearly a much faster typist than I am - you have just said as much in your later post

On missing out on things as a working parent, surely that is something for the working parent to decide whether or not they are prepared to give up? If not, by all means give up work or cut down on hours.

But recognise that you are doing so for Yourself, you are not doing it for the Child.

Because the Child can still turn out fine if you missed his/her first steps.

everyone needs support - I agree. Just making a point that you cant expect it to be easy if you choose to work like the OP. (I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT ANY OTHER WORKING PARENTS HERE!)

Oh - on the missing milestones thing - how much you care about being right there varies, you know. Being called by an excited nanny & laughing about whether dd may, or may not, have said Duck in the bath, for me adds to the pleasure, not takes away. I like my children's loving their nanny; it doesn't make them love me any less (or me love them any less) - it all joins in a big virtuous circle.

but the point is you missed them. they will never have their "first" steps again.

OFGS12345 - get a grip! My mum worked that was no problem at all, however, when she wasn't working she was either at the pub or out with her boyfriend...yes I am cross about that.

However, when I finish work everything is dropped for my children. I spend every possible minute with them. Doing shopping online when they're in bed etc so that we can spend quality time together. We do so much together that I am very confident they will look back on their childhood and remember all the trips, activities and fun that we had - all of the things we couldn't do if I didn't work

I am not saying mums shouldn't work and should stay at home with the dc. I am saying there needs to be a balance. The op could create that balance as she isn't working to make ends meet but her career seems more important than her ds in her op. Unless i am reading it wrong too.

At the risk of getting shouted at, I would like to agree with ofgs12345. They are young for such a short time and you miss so much if you are at work for a great part of the day. I know that most mother's have to work to pay basic bills but the OP doesn't appear to be in that position and could see her DC grow up.

Sorry -another attack of apostrophes-typing too quickly!

My laptop won't let me post long messages soapy - so have to type it all then cut them up to post seperately

Totally agree that kids of WOHM will be fine, it's the mothers that can seriosuly suffer.

Chip - as I said i am talking about the OP not you.

Any childcarer worth their salt, always knows that baby takes his first steps the moment mummy/daddy walks through the door

ofgs, I wished my mother worked, long term SAHM she was. She would have been happier, we would have been wealthier. I grew up despite her failings on the emotional front. Don't overestimate the importance of a parents' presence to their children, or shall I say, flatter yourself.

and having been a nanny - you the parent dont see their reaction when you miss important milestones, or mop up the tears.

that is true soap and i have never told a parent when it has happened out of their presence.

The age of 10 isn't grown...in fact, I've found the fun has just started...just when I've established my career enough to be able to arrange hours to suit myself.

So, tomorrow, I'll be finishing early to take dc2 to an after-school activity...but I've done some work from home tonight because my employers value me enough to give me the kit to be able to work from home.

I had the chance to apply for redundancy recently, which would have given me a healthy payout, although we would have had to cut back on holidays if I gave up work.

I asked the dc what they thought I should do, and it was a resounding 'no' - "you have a cool job, we don't want you to give it up."

Does it sound like they've suffered?

Yes, I may have missed the milestones, but, frankly I found a lot of the baby bottom-wiping stuff tedious in the extreme...it may sound harsh, but I was more than happy to pay trusted carers to do that for me...and that didn't mean I didn't love my children or put them first.

ofgs12345, you'll be asked to go away if your not careful as you don't agree with the op