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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want a highflying career as well as being a Mum?

366 replies

ManhattanMama · 11/04/2008 14:22

I've only been back at work for 2 weeks and am already having conflicts between work and homelife which I'm struggling to resolve. I work in investment banking, and before having DS (nearly 7 mths old), I used to work 8am - 6.30pm at a minimum, usually longer. Obviously I've already cut back on my hours, and am generally doing 8.30 to 5.30 which just about leaves me enough to time to dash to daycare to pick DS up before 6.30 (I have to take 2 trains to get there).

The problem I've got is that my job just isn't a predictable 9-5 kind of role - things happen which mean that I may have to start early or work late. I've been asked to take part in a Women in Banking mentoring program which means I'm committed to being at work late every Thursday for the next 6 weeks - I asked DH before agreeing whether he was happy for me to do it and he said yes but (surprise, surprise) - the first time I'm home late and he's in a real strop with me because he had to get all of DS's stuff ready for daycare and do the late night feed by himself. He was literally ignoring me this morning as he was so annoyed, so I had it out with him and he said "Now you're a mum you should be happy to just turn up and do the 9-5 then get home to be with our son, not spending time networking and trying to be the career woman".

AIBU or is this completely out of order? Why can I not have a career AND be a good mum? I've worked my rear end off to get to the position I have at the moment and I don't want to do a half-arsed job now just because I have a baby. Things aren't being helped by the fact that everytime I talk to my Mum she says "DS must be finding it so hard only seeing you for an hour a day" - she gave up work to have kids and thinks I should do the same.

What do you think? AIB selfish to want to keep working even though we can afford for me to stop? Career aside, I don't think I could cope with being home with DS all day - it's much harder than working!

Sorry it's so long...

OP posts:

oranges · 11/04/2008 14:45

not for me. i love my ds but get bored and ratty at home with him all the time.

Belgianchox · 11/04/2008 14:45

I think it's easier to have more career committments while the dc are very small. Once they get older, ie start school getting the balance right gets trickier. I always felt much less guilty leaving my babies with a childminder where I knew they were well cared for, than now when one is at school and much more aware as to who it is picking her up from school and suchlike. She makes her feelings quite clear now. A nanny is a good suggestion, altho you would have to be able to cope with the idea of somebody else being a 'stand-in mummy' to your child, in your home. I would have had a problem with that. Regardless your dh really has to accept that you are both equally responsible for your dc and that includes being able to cancel work committents on occasion if necessary.

Elffriend · 11/04/2008 14:47

Icouldbenancy...

Think you'll find that attitude has been expressed a zillion times on other threads. Sorry if you missed them. However, not really helpful here.

scottishmummy · 11/04/2008 14:51

em Deep breath everyone before anymore nasty comments about OP and her personal choices. Sheeshcant people accept individual differences. so what it might not suit your prefernces, but cant we at least tolerate diffrences without being judgemental

PrimulaVeris · 11/04/2008 14:52

You need a nanny for this type of working pattern.

What working pattern is right for one is not right for another ... and Icoundbenancy

You also need a supportive dh/dp. I would very happily ram a red hot poker up his arse on your behalf

It is early days, but you need to sit and discuss routines and responsibilities. Even if he's governor of the Bank of England he can still learn to get a day bag ready ffs

SueBaroo · 11/04/2008 14:54

YANBU, and I second the sensible suggestions about a nanny perhaps being a good solution. Your Dh may well just be being a bit crappy because he's having a little trouble adjusting, so I'd cut him a little slack on it.

Now, can we not have the thread descend into 'SAHM's are wasting their education' and 'What's the point of being a mother if you're working fulltime?' debacle.

Quattrocento · 11/04/2008 14:56

You could try the time-honoured technique of asking him to earn enough to replace your salary and then you could stay at home and idle (oops deliberately provocative) care for your children.

scottishmummy · 11/04/2008 14:57

it really irks that OP asked for advice, potentially from other's in similar position and gets the usual bellayaching comment

jellybeans · 11/04/2008 14:58

I think it is pretty impossible to have 2 f/t careers too, a child needs time, quantity and quality. It's not unreasonable to want a career but maybe one or both of you could cut your hours? (especially if you don't need the money)

Elffriend · 11/04/2008 14:59

Think that has only been one lemon-sucky poster so far, but I am watching nervously in case this thread plummets...

Otherwise I'm off to see if there are any good Dr Who threads.

HonoriaGlossop · 11/04/2008 15:01

my natural inclination is exactly the same as Icouldbenancy; I had a child and I wanted to bring him up as I thought that was very important to him and I wouldn't have had a child if I DIDN'T want to bring him up

And I think it's awful to say "oh why do we bother getting educated then" It's because we CAN and SHOULD but staying at home for a FEW YEARS of your life doesn't mean it's not worth getting educated. Children benefit from the input of educated mothers!

But yes, it's not what we're debating here

I think you and your DH need a huge talk about priorities; he has slipped into thinking that your main priority will now be your child, but actually you want a significant career as well; and he needs to re-assess in the light of that. He will need to bend his career as well, and why not. I think it's a case of lots of communication needed in order to hammer out a workable agreement for you both.

Fennel · 11/04/2008 15:02

There are various threads from city working mothers who do manage to have successful careers, and with partners working too. Manhattenmama, you might find them helful. There are lots of hints on time management and prioritising on them.

2 weeks is so early, it takes longer than that to really see if your plans are working. And maybe longer for DH to get used to it too. (not that I have much sympathy for unsympathetic DHs but maybe he hasn't worked out that his life has to change too for two high flying careers and a baby to work.)

EmmaKn · 11/04/2008 15:03

I hope it's not too controversial to suggest part-time work as a solution - I have done that for the 12 years that I have had kids (and I bets lots of you others have too) and it does seem to be the way of having your cake and eating it - OK so you wont make it to MD/CEO etc as quickly, but there is more to life. And it is absolutely does not damage the children (that's not just my experience - but also the research evidence)... the work/home thing is a v big issue for mums - and I don't think we should be afraid of raising and debating it - but just not in an aggressive way ... if anyone is bored of the discussion, they can move onto something else, but I think it's crucial

Kathyis6incheshigh · 11/04/2008 15:03

YANBU. You have other childcare options to try out before you start thinking one or both of you has to cut back on the career.

barbamama · 11/04/2008 15:03

You are not being unreasonable in my opinion but, in my experience you are being unrealistice, sadly ... You shouldn't have to compromise, but you do. Up to you whether career or family reap the benefit. I work in banking too and cut down to a 4 day week and less ambitious job, same pay but won't go any higher. TBH, once the children are a bit older I plan to swork for myself so I can control hours etc.

CatIsSleepy · 11/04/2008 15:04

your dh has a bad attitude!
no reason why you can't share the responsibilty of getting your ds's stuff ready-why is that your job entirely? and why is doing the late night feed such a problem for him too?
He doesn't sound terribly supportive of you working at all really.

but agree with others that if you can afford it a nanny might be a better option
less stressful all round

Elffriend · 11/04/2008 15:04

Arrgggghhhhh!

So why add your twopenneth if you agree it is not what is being debated?

barnstaple · 11/04/2008 15:05

You should talk to Xenia; she was on a thread this morning saying it was every woman's duty to go back to work full time when they've had a baby. There were sparks.

duchesse · 11/04/2008 15:07

NU at all in my view, but it takes some doing to keep all those plates spinning. I didn't feel up to it personally. I think the thing that would have made all the difference for me would have been to be able to stay at home unconditionally until my babies were about 12 months, and then to have some saintly trusted person looking after them at home.

Also, from my recollection as a new graduate aged 22 or so working in banking, it is one of the least family-friendly, most testosterone-charged working environments there is- could you switch to a consultancy type role or parallel but related career where you dictate your own work rate rhythm and timetable a little more?

Elffriend · 11/04/2008 15:07

Sorry, that was to Honoria - thread moving too fast...

EmmaKn - this WAS NOT a thread for "The Discussion". This was someone asking for views/help on a particualr situation.

scottishmummy · 11/04/2008 15:08

my 2 good friends are Lawyers and both negotiated work at home day (with proviso they go in if mtg on etc ) their fee earning capacity has not suffered

they have lots of contact with work eg blackberries, courires with documents, but this is do-able

imo find a decent nanny (recommendations are best)

good luck

fillybuster · 11/04/2008 15:08

YANBU but I don't think you can both have the sort of careers that require some flexibility with regard to late nights/long days and use regular-hours childcare. A nanny would give you a lot more flexibility, and (from personal experience!) would mean that on those nights when you need to stay late last minute, or London transport packs up (or you want to have dinner with your dh in town) your nanny can feed, bathe and if necessary bed your lo. Which means you are far less stressed and they dont feel abandoned.

(And ignore the nasty comments...sadly, they are unavoidable on any thread that involves FT working mums discussing childcare issues....)

barbamama · 11/04/2008 15:09

I still don't understand how she thinks this is possible. Even if you can afford a full time nanny surely it will impact the children to only see their mother for a few hours a week from a very early age? In an ideal world maybe but we don't live in one. I don't anyway. It does seem to be different for lawyers though - maybe they inhabit some parallel universe of something.

PrimulaVeris · 11/04/2008 15:09

I had quite a demanding job when dd was a baby. It's far easier when they're smaller - but the difference is that dh and I were each able and prepared to give and take.

I still reckon that being full time in a career is a darned sight easier than being a full time mum.

The OP's dh has an outrageous attitude ... though yes it may be provoked by stress/fear of unknown. I think that this is the issue - until both can work together, there cannot be a proper solution. Getting a nanny will solve a lot of practical issues but the attitudinal ones won't go away.

chrissnow · 11/04/2008 15:10

I'm a SAHM. Which was my choice (on bad days not one of my better ones!!) I can see no good reason why everybody shouldn't have the freedom to do what they feel is best for them so as such no YANBU.
I think you have done incredibly well in your career. Is there any scope for you to go freelance in any way? You say you are doing this women in banking mentoring. Could you maybe freelance doing presentations and the like on this subject? Maybe some kind of consultancy. That way you could do some work from home and get the best of both worlds. If you're really at the top of your game (which it sounds like you are) these things always seem that much easier.

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