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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want a highflying career as well as being a Mum?

366 replies

ManhattanMama · 11/04/2008 14:22

I've only been back at work for 2 weeks and am already having conflicts between work and homelife which I'm struggling to resolve. I work in investment banking, and before having DS (nearly 7 mths old), I used to work 8am - 6.30pm at a minimum, usually longer. Obviously I've already cut back on my hours, and am generally doing 8.30 to 5.30 which just about leaves me enough to time to dash to daycare to pick DS up before 6.30 (I have to take 2 trains to get there).

The problem I've got is that my job just isn't a predictable 9-5 kind of role - things happen which mean that I may have to start early or work late. I've been asked to take part in a Women in Banking mentoring program which means I'm committed to being at work late every Thursday for the next 6 weeks - I asked DH before agreeing whether he was happy for me to do it and he said yes but (surprise, surprise) - the first time I'm home late and he's in a real strop with me because he had to get all of DS's stuff ready for daycare and do the late night feed by himself. He was literally ignoring me this morning as he was so annoyed, so I had it out with him and he said "Now you're a mum you should be happy to just turn up and do the 9-5 then get home to be with our son, not spending time networking and trying to be the career woman".

AIBU or is this completely out of order? Why can I not have a career AND be a good mum? I've worked my rear end off to get to the position I have at the moment and I don't want to do a half-arsed job now just because I have a baby. Things aren't being helped by the fact that everytime I talk to my Mum she says "DS must be finding it so hard only seeing you for an hour a day" - she gave up work to have kids and thinks I should do the same.

What do you think? AIB selfish to want to keep working even though we can afford for me to stop? Career aside, I don't think I could cope with being home with DS all day - it's much harder than working!

Sorry it's so long...

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 15/04/2008 22:00

MsSparkle and not everyone

a) agrees with you
b) wants to be home at 4pm
c) wants to be a sahm or work pt

and that's allowed you know!

soapbox · 15/04/2008 22:02

MsSparkle - you are preaching to the wrong audience here - why don't you just buzz off to a thread where someone might care a jot for your opinion!

Go on - off you go

MsSparkle · 15/04/2008 22:05

Please answer me something, if you want a high flying, really long houred job that allowed you to see your dc for an hour or two a day purely for your own want and need for high positioned career (meaning someone else brings them up) rather than a working because your desperate for the money reason, why did you have children?

marina · 15/04/2008 22:06

But before you go, do please tell the rest of us where we can get jobs that will pay 50% of our household costs (whatever these may be, I know there is some variance on this thread and much more so in the wider world) and allow us all to be home every night at 4pm?
Some jobs need you to be, shock horror, in the workplace - and will be turned down flat for flexible working on a daily basis.
And not just the high-flying ones either.

soapbox · 15/04/2008 22:07

I think you are mistaking this for the Spanish Inquisition. It's a talk board - we don't have to answer your stupid questions.

Why does it matter to you why anyone on this thread decided to have children?

I suggest you just run along and find something else to worry your pretty little head about!

MsSparkle · 15/04/2008 22:07

soapbox the op asked a question AIBU? I am answering that question and as usual if someone does thing that person is being unreasonable then they are told to go away.

Don't ask the question AIBU if you don't want someone to disagree with you.

AtheneNoctua · 15/04/2008 22:10

I would react but hold on... let me check... yep, thick skin in tact...

I will say this though, your argument is based on the premise that I work in spite of my children and not for them. And you are mistaken.

Xenia has a fab list of reasons why working mums benefit children.

soapbox · 15/04/2008 22:10

Well you've given your opinion so we all know your view now. What we don't have to do is explain ourselves and our decisions to you.

MsSparkle · 15/04/2008 22:12

marina, i have said that my comments are purely based on the op and NOT all working mums. The op has already said she can afford to stop working so doesn't need to do the hours she does for the money. So in this case she can afford to do less hours and spend more time with her son but she is choosing not to. Instead she is choosing to spend the smallest amount of time possible with her son which is what i am arguing about.

MsSparkle · 15/04/2008 22:13

AtheneNoctua, the only person my argument is based on is the op. No one else.

MsSparkle · 15/04/2008 22:14

I am not against working mums for the record, i am a working mum too you know.

AtheneNoctua · 15/04/2008 22:16

And how many hours per week do you work?

bottlenose · 15/04/2008 22:16

Except, MsSparkle it's not the smallest amount of time possible - the OP has cut back but is still building up her career.

In 10 years time she may have made enough money to not work again for all we know...and good luck to her. It doesn't mean her child will have suffered or that she's been selfish.

FairyMum · 15/04/2008 22:17

Tbh if you have the choice to be home at 4 and still have a pretty good job then I would go for it. I am also reading it like OP has a choice and could make compromises without having to downgrade too much in her job. Or perhaps I am misreading?

blueshoes · 15/04/2008 22:19

Ms Sparkle, I do apologise for missing out your words in bold. That was not my intention.

But my position remains. You have set a very arbitrary and illogical test as to why OP's one hour is not enough and why my 3 hours is enough.

If you frame something as "why have children", I don't think anybody on this thread can really be bothered to answer you specifically. Let me try - and this has already been explained on this thread, if you tried reading it:

Answer: Because it is possible to raise perfectly well-adjusted and lovely children by using quality and consistent childcare and spending time together as a family on weekends, despite not seeing your child for more than an hour a weekday.

You might not want to believe it (since it invalidates whatever sacrifices you made), but it is my experience of other ft mothers as well as that of other mnetters, including Xenia with older children who have graduated from uni.

AtheneNoctua · 15/04/2008 22:19

No one on here really believe that you can be home at 4:00 and not see your career path suffer... do you?

That's rediculous. Who is going to promote the person who leaves at 3:00?

Manhattan, if it makes you feel better, I work 55 hours per week. I get paid for the over time. I need the money to pay the nanny so I can go to work so I can pay the nanny.

MsSparkle · 15/04/2008 22:21

It varies every week my hours.

Fairy it seems the op is very concerned about doing a half arsed job at work but doesn't seem to put the same concern in her op about doing a half arsed job with her ds. Her ds is a million times more important than a career.

AtheneNoctua · 15/04/2008 22:22

Working full time (and then some) does not make one a "half arsed parent".

What an appauling argument.

bottlenose · 15/04/2008 22:23

Who says she's be doing a half-baked job with her ds MsSparkle

(I'm not going to stoop to your use of language, one of the reasons I have a good career is that I'm articulate enough not to resort to that)

MsSparkle · 15/04/2008 22:24

What is wrong with either the op or the father taking a back seat on their career for a while to be with their ds? It's not forever is it. What is so wrong with that?

MsSparkle · 15/04/2008 22:25

bottlenose the op said half arsed in her op, i was just going on what she said!

ofgs12345 · 15/04/2008 22:26

in ten years time the children will be grown and then there will be no point in not having to work again!
IMO i would spent the most important years with them watching them have the little experiences that you only get when you spend a reasonable amount of time with them!

Having been a nanny, nursery nurse and primary teacher, I have watched other peoples children achieve many things that their parents dont even realise were a big deal to them because they just werent there. They are only going to be children once.

So - whatever, if you want a career, fine but if you can have it all, then why is this thread even here in the first place???

TheFallenMadonna · 15/04/2008 22:27

In 10 years time her ds will be 10

MsSparkle · 15/04/2008 22:28

Agreed, you only get that time once and before you know it, your dc are grown up and you would have missed so much wonderful stuff!

FairyMum · 15/04/2008 22:28

Well,personally I am a work-life balance fairy.
When at work I am in the door at 5 and I have walked out of management meetings to go and pick my children up from nursery at my usual time of 4.30. We usually agree Blueshoes, but I do actually think there is a difference between seeing your child for 1 hour and 3 hours a day. Especially if you have a choice.

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