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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want a highflying career as well as being a Mum?

366 replies

ManhattanMama · 11/04/2008 14:22

I've only been back at work for 2 weeks and am already having conflicts between work and homelife which I'm struggling to resolve. I work in investment banking, and before having DS (nearly 7 mths old), I used to work 8am - 6.30pm at a minimum, usually longer. Obviously I've already cut back on my hours, and am generally doing 8.30 to 5.30 which just about leaves me enough to time to dash to daycare to pick DS up before 6.30 (I have to take 2 trains to get there).

The problem I've got is that my job just isn't a predictable 9-5 kind of role - things happen which mean that I may have to start early or work late. I've been asked to take part in a Women in Banking mentoring program which means I'm committed to being at work late every Thursday for the next 6 weeks - I asked DH before agreeing whether he was happy for me to do it and he said yes but (surprise, surprise) - the first time I'm home late and he's in a real strop with me because he had to get all of DS's stuff ready for daycare and do the late night feed by himself. He was literally ignoring me this morning as he was so annoyed, so I had it out with him and he said "Now you're a mum you should be happy to just turn up and do the 9-5 then get home to be with our son, not spending time networking and trying to be the career woman".

AIBU or is this completely out of order? Why can I not have a career AND be a good mum? I've worked my rear end off to get to the position I have at the moment and I don't want to do a half-arsed job now just because I have a baby. Things aren't being helped by the fact that everytime I talk to my Mum she says "DS must be finding it so hard only seeing you for an hour a day" - she gave up work to have kids and thinks I should do the same.

What do you think? AIB selfish to want to keep working even though we can afford for me to stop? Career aside, I don't think I could cope with being home with DS all day - it's much harder than working!

Sorry it's so long...

OP posts:

ofgs12345 · 15/04/2008 22:46

not flattering myself, just going on experience as a professional.

soapbox · 15/04/2008 22:46

I honestly don't think my children were weeping that mummy wasn't there when they tottered across the floor at 10months old!

Most milestones are just a point on a continuum, except maybe for teeth falling out, which I've always been lucky with!

ofgs12345 · 15/04/2008 22:46

Do i look bothered?

MsSparkle · 15/04/2008 22:48

MsSparkle · 15/04/2008 22:49

Well i think we are just going to have to agree to disagree. I think there should be a work/home/dc balance, no one else does except a couple of people so we will leave it at that.

Bink · 15/04/2008 22:50

There are indeed some later "milestones" which do matter to the children - the school play in which they've got the opening line, that sort of thing. I recognise that.

And, guess what, the more senior you are in your job the easier it is - because you have the authority - to block out that morning in your diary and make sure you're there.

MsSparkle · 15/04/2008 22:52

Or do what my staff do and phone in sick "that morning" instead.

ofgs12345 · 15/04/2008 22:52

well congratulations you can fit your child into your busy diary.

soap maybe they thought that the nanny was their mum at 10 months old?

Bink · 15/04/2008 22:52

MsS - everyone thinks there should be a balance; but nobody quite understands why your recipe for balance should be the only acceptable one. We've all got our own.

MsSparkle · 15/04/2008 22:54

Spending an hour or two with your dc is not a balance though is it? That's 90% work and 10% dc.

blueshoes · 15/04/2008 22:55

Agree with bink on being happy to share milestones with the childcarer. It is such a drop in the ocean of the shared time you will have with your dcs.

Laughing at soapbox's post about milestones only happening when parent comes through the door. It is as artificial as that.

What milestone just Happens? As I recall, my dd/ds were practising walking for ages. Who is to say that the first milestone is when they took the first step and stumbled, 1-2 steps without stumbling, 3 steps steadily - I always have great difficult recording milestones in dcs' baby books. Surely, it is about the journey as the getting there? I can definitely think of more things to worry about than 'missing' milestones.

soapbox · 15/04/2008 22:57

OFGS - OFGS!

Happens I only worked for 2 days a week at that point - so unlikely

I have done a lot of different combinations of work/home over the years - but it was mostly for my benefit. The DCs have funnily remained pretty much the same, adorable, well-adjusted children whether I worked no hours a week or whether I worked 50!

blueshoes · 15/04/2008 22:57

ofgs, despite your professional qualifications, you cannot speak for all children, and certainly not mine or those of other posters. You are flattering yourself about the importance of your profession. You don't see the full picture of the child's life at home.

ofgs12345 · 15/04/2008 22:57

yes but it's about witnessing the journey and achievements and knowing how hard they have tried to get there. If the balance isnt right you will miss the journey and the milestones.

MsSparkle · 15/04/2008 22:58

I have to say with amusement, my dd didn't crawl or walk slowly over time, one Friday morning she decided she was going to crawl and that was it, she just went for it. By the end of the day she was whizzing around the carpet on all fours She was walking around the furniture for ages and one day she decided to just walk! Seriously

ofgs12345 · 15/04/2008 23:00

Well i will leave you to it. Obviously having been a live in nanny I have no idea about the "full picture of the child's life at home"
hope you can all sort this out...

blueshoes · 15/04/2008 23:01

ofgs: "soap maybe they thought that the nanny was their mum at 10 months old?"

Now you are REALLY flattering yourself that you could possibly think a childcarer could ever replace the parent in their child's eyes. You are truly ignorant of the dynamics between a child and their parent and of the utter dispensability of a carer. As working mothers will testament from Their Experience.

blueshoes · 15/04/2008 23:02

ofgs, a child's life at home WITH THEIR PARENTS, if you may.

ofgs12345 · 15/04/2008 23:03

hmmm - blueshoes that was sarcasm - did you miss it? And if childcarers are that unimportant then all the people on here who suggested OP get a nanny at the beginning were wrong too???????

Heathcliffscathy · 15/04/2008 23:04

there is a crucial caveat to the having it all thing isn't there: childcare.

That does mean consistent childcare. babies and infants do need a consistent caregiver that is responsive and loving. If they get that, all good. THAT person will be most responsible for some of the core aspects of how they form relationships in later life. Which is important to note (and they may well if they are a paid child carer do a better job then a parent, I'm not arguing that the role being filled by an employee is bad).

Manhattan options for parents sound much much worse than we have over here, where there are very good nanny options. The problem with daycare is that staff come and staff go (not always but often). Whilst it is more likely (although, of course, not a certainty) that one might find a nanny or childminder that would have a baby through to school age.

So i'm with prufrock. Having it all is tough, and children coming off well out of it is reliant imo on the quality of that consistent caregiver.

Where that hasn't been present a child may appear to be delightful, but the child is more likely to have difficulties with the way they relate as an adult (note I said more likely). That is backed by lots of research.

If I were ManhattanMama I would be thinking about getting very friendly with and poaching her ds's keyworker! At the least I would check out the turnover at the daycare centre.

And you dh does need a kick up the arse, he is as responsible as you are for your child in all aspects.

blueshoes · 15/04/2008 23:05

I say it in the context of a nanny leaving. A child almost invariably bounces back quickly leaving no mark. Now if a parent were to leave ...

MsSparkle · 15/04/2008 23:06

I do think that some parents are more bothered than others about milestones. Not in anyway shape or form am i saying they don't care about their dc, it's just some people genuinly aren't all that fazed about milestones. There is nothing wrong with that, everyones different. I personally do care alot about that sort of stuff but then that's just me and i would be gutted if i missed certain stuff.

Heathcliffscathy · 15/04/2008 23:08

blueshoes it's not about a childcarer replacing a parent in a child's eyes. but if that person is the one that spends the most time with the child, then in that child's internal world that person will be the one that is teaching them (not in a didactic way, but by the way they are relating to them) how relationships work, whether they can trust the world and others, what they need to do to elicit a loving response etc etc etc. and if a nanny or childminder or keyworker is doing a great job at that, then the infant is getting what it needs emotionally. which is good news.

blueshoes · 15/04/2008 23:11

soph, I totally agree about it not being about the carer replacing the parent in the child's eyes. I was just responding to ofgs post: "soap maybe they thought that the nanny was their mum at 10 months old?"

Heathcliffscathy · 15/04/2008 23:12

yes, sorry.

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