AIBU to want a highflying career as well as being a Mum?

[ManhattanMama]

I've only been back at work for 2 weeks and am already having conflicts between work and homelife which I'm struggling to resolve. I work in investment banking, and before having DS (nearly 7 mths old), I used to work 8am - 6.30pm at a minimum, usually longer. Obviously I've already cut back on my hours, and am generally doing 8.30 to 5.30 which just about leaves me enough to time to dash to daycare to pick DS up before 6.30 (I have to take 2 trains to get there).

The problem I've got is that my job just isn't a predictable 9-5 kind of role - things happen which mean that I may have to start early or work late. I've been asked to take part in a Women in Banking mentoring program which means I'm committed to being at work late every Thursday for the next 6 weeks - I asked DH before agreeing whether he was happy for me to do it and he said yes but (surprise, surprise) - the first time I'm home late and he's in a real strop with me because he had to get all of DS's stuff ready for daycare and do the late night feed by himself. He was literally ignoring me this morning as he was so annoyed, so I had it out with him and he said "Now you're a mum you should be happy to just turn up and do the 9-5 then get home to be with our son, not spending time networking and trying to be the career woman".

AIBU or is this completely out of order? Why can I not have a career AND be a good mum? I've worked my rear end off to get to the position I have at the moment and I don't want to do a half-arsed job now just because I have a baby. Things aren't being helped by the fact that everytime I talk to my Mum she says "DS must be finding it so hard only seeing you for an hour a day" - she gave up work to have kids and thinks I should do the same.

What do you think? AIB selfish to want to keep working even though we can afford for me to stop? Career aside, I don't think I could cope with being home with DS all day - it's much harder than working!

Sorry it's so long...

Imo ManhattanMama yabu. I am probably going against the flow here but i personally find it quite selfish to want to go back into such a demanding, high flying job so soon after your ds was born.

I don't resent you wanting a career and i am not saying you should be a SAHM. What i am saying is, while i apprieciate the fact you have worked hard to get into the position at work, something has got to give. You have made a choice to have your ds so it is now your role to spend more than just a few hours a week with him.

You seem to be very concerned about not wanting to do a half-arsed job in your career but don't seem too bothered about doing a half-arsed job with your ds who imo is far more important than a career any day. The time you have with your ds now is sooo precious and they grow up so fast. Imo you never get this time back with your ds so you should make the most of it. Cutting down at work and even going back a step is not the end of the world. Missing out on such important years of your ds's life is and you will never get those years back. He won't be little forever and when he is older you have plenty of time to catch up on your career.

Sorry if i sound harsh but this kind of thing makes me a little sad and a little bit angry and it genuinly makes me wonder why some people have children?

I forgot to add, i think you need to find a happy medium. Having children means you have to make sacrifices and you can't blame children for ruining your career or making you go back a stage because YOU chose to bring a child into the world, the child didn't decide that himself.

So many knotty little done to death issues tied up into two little posts!

It may not be your way of doing things, littlemisssparkle, but then your way is not the only way. Thankfully women have choices now.

My way is thinking of the child and his needs rather the selfish needs of the mother where in this case no sacrifices are being made what so ever and so as a result the poor child will suffer.

Rewind to Squiffy: "Oh and I forgot the 4th lesson - get a very thick skin about all the 'I don't know why you bothered having a kid in the first place' bollox. If a child has happy parents and consistency of care and quality of care then said child will turn out fine. Rather that than being brought up by a resentful mum who feels she has thrown her life away. When your kid comes home exhausted and happy from that brilliant school your salaries have afforded him which 100% suits his character and stretches him (or gives him extra attention that he might need, or whatever), you really don't give a shit for all the people who stand around tutting at your working career choices."

MsSparkle, you are entitled to your somewhat unoriginal view. It has been anticipated and dealt with.

All i am saying is if neither the mother or father are prepared to go part time or at least make some sort of sacrifice then they shouldn't have had a child in the first place. It doesn't even have to be the mother who cuts back on her career, the father could?

I am not talking about ALL working parents, my comments are purely to this case only in my posts. I do ask why have the child? A child is not an accesesory that you can be with when it suits you. So why have a child for someone else to then bring up?

Hello, I've only read your op but gosh, your dh needs to realise that just because you gave birth doesn't mean he doesn't have to take responsibility too. I'll read the thread now.

You are right I think. You do have to make compromises.

Sparkle, she has already cut back to find the happy medium. It is reasonable for her DH to consider doing the same.

Manhattan,
Have you thought of hiring a live-out student or housekeeper who could pick up your som from the nursery, take him home, give him a bath, pack his bag, do his laundry. All of this in say a 3 hour day. So you DH could continue drop off. You could cme home and arrange your and HD's dinner, and see your son before you put him to bed. So, you'd keep the nursery, but pay someone else to come and do the pick up and some household chores, freeing you up to work longer. And maybe this person could stay late one or two days per week allowing you to work late on those days.

BTW, I too am in the nanny camp. When DD was about 14 months ols I cracked and couldn't take the childcare run anymore while I worked full time and DH was away for work all week. I had a big strop and told DH in no uncertain terms that we were moving to a bigger house and getting a live in nanny and I didn't care how we paid for it. I must of looked like a crazy old bat because DH just looked at me nodded his head and quietly said "okay" and that was the end of the childcare run. I can't imagine life without a nanny now.

Do you have to live in Manhattan? Couldn't you move out a bit, settle for say a 45 minute commute and rent a place big enough for a live-in nanny?

Oh no, I'm so sorry Jura the pedant!

correction:
I must have looked like a crazy old bat because

Please don't get me wrong and think i am one of those people who think if you have a child then you MUST stay at home for 18 years to look after them. I am not like that at all. However, from what i can see in this case, no sacrifices are being made what so ever and it angers me that the op has a 'i have a baby but i won't make changes to my career.'

Some give and take must be made and fact is you must balance work/home life so that each is fair. At the moment it's ALL work and no home with the op. If you have to step back from your career for a while then that's a small price to pay for deciding to have a child. That applys to both the mother and the father. Someone has to give way somewhere or the child will suffer for it and the father/mother will miss precious time and important mile stones with their ds.

At the moment an unrealistic message is being sent out to women that you can have the baby AND the high flying, long houred work life too. That is just not possible imo.

AtheneNoctua, spending a few hours with her ds is NOT a happy medium imo. Someone needs to give way here whether it's the mother or father, just so long as the child spends more time with his parents.

GREAT post Squiffy. Completely agree.

Haven't read the whole thread but your hubby will have to sort himself out before baby starts school! I'm working this week (6 days plus late night tomorrow) whilst hubby has taken a weeks holiday to look after the children during half term.

I'm eternally grateful to my husband as I know I couldn't have the career I have without his support. Yes we chuckled when we read the section where you said hubby agreed then moaned - my DH does that constantly but only because he knows it winds me up, he gets a slap and we laugh about it.

Oh Ms Sparkle, really, quite agree with everyone re your posts.

Agree about using your time strategically and delegating ruthlessly. Including housework, shopping etc. Shop online, get a cleaner, make sure your dh pulls his weight, don't do ANYTHING you don't 100% have to do.

Some great advice on this thread (and elsewhere on the board if you search) Good luck.

"an unrealistic message is being sent out to women that you can have the baby AND the high flying, long houred work life too. That is just not possible imo"

That message is perfectly realistic for a whole lot of us on here - and not just "in my opinion" but "in my experience".

Ms Sparkle: " i am one of those people who think if you have a child then you MUST stay at home for 18 years to look after them" and "AtheneNoctua, spending a few hours with her ds is NOT a happy medium imo. Someone needs to give way here whether it's the mother or father, just so long as the child spends more time with his parents."

So what IS your happy medium? I gave up my full on career for a part time one which allows me to be home by 4 pm everyday. Is that enough sacrifice by Your Book?

The OP has already explained she has cut back her hours, does the dash for the nursery run, will drop everything to get out of a meeting if her ds breaks an arm? What is enough for You?

I would tend to agree with Bink that whilst it seems almost impossible to have it all, including lovely fulfilled children, there are many ft mnetters that fit that bill perfectly as do my ft colleagues at work. Hats off to them. It is not an easy act to pull off and not for everyone. But it IS do-able and has been done. We are supporting the OP on this thread, without having to regurgitate trite messages.

Sorry but i think that if your starting work early and not getting home until late, where is the time for quality "home time" going to fit in? If you don't get home until 6.30pm at the earliest then i would say your spending an hour if that with your dc and that's awful.

There is no way you can do long hours at work AND do the things that actually really matter like have quality home time with your kids, family and friends etc. It's just not possible and anyone who thinks it's a good, realistic way of life is talking out of their ass.

It is possibly to have both if you have a very supportive partner.

MsSparkle, who are you to tell her how many hours per day is acceptable for her to spend with her son?

Squiffy, just seen your post. Agree it is indeed fab.

Great posts from Squiffy, Xenia and others - particularly about developing a thick skin.

I have seen no convincing evidence, and have my own dc to support my case, that a satisfying career which you love and which may involve a lot of hours, does your child any harm whatsoever - as long as you have excellent childcare and your child knows they're cherished with his or her needs being met.

The other thing I'd say is that you also need to cherish your relationship with the child's father - angst over childcare/career is not what you want.

I wonder how many of the "you are being selfish/unrealistic brigade" had a great, fulfilling career to give up in the first place? It doesn't make you a monster to want to continue that - as others have said, better a happy, satisfied set of parents than an unhappy, possibly depressed and broke SAHM.

Not that I think there's anything wrong with being a SAHM, but our mothers and grandmothers worked bloody hard for us to be able to make those choices.

And a final bit of advice is that trying to do both jobs - working outside the home and being a parent - is exhausting. Someone once told me that it's like driving a Formula 1 car rather than a family runaround - you need to put in the right fuel and maintain it properly. That means keeping yourself fit and healthy - and mental health's a big part of that. I've found yoga has been a great stressbuster and would thoroughly recommend it.

Good luck.

MsSparkle, that's not a reasoned argument, that's your opinion, and we don't all agree. And insulting those who don't agree isn't going to remotely persuade them to your pov is it?

I think MsSparkle is on this thread for the sole purpose of helping you build that thick skin.

Blueshoes you just edited my post to suit you. It wasn't "i am one of those people who think if you have a child then you MUST stay at home for 18 years to look after them" and "AtheneNoctua, spending a few hours with her ds is NOT a happy medium imo. Someone needs to give way here whether it's the mother or father, just so long as the child spends more time with his parents."

It was "Please don't get me wrong and think i am one of those people who think if you have a child then you MUST stay at home for 18 years to look after them. I am not like that at all. However, from what i can see in this case, no sacrifices are being made what so ever and it angers me that the op has a 'i have a baby but i won't make changes to my career.'

Being home by 4pm is absolutly great. It's means you can spend some time with your dc, have tea with them etc. Finishing at 5.30pm then by the time you have picked dc up and got home etc leaves you no time to spend with them. Having children is a choice we all make and a wonderful choice but we do need to except that when such a life changing choice is made, we can't then carry on leading a "me" life anymore because there are now other people to concider. I am not saying the op has to give up her career, i am saying she needs to put her own needs aside for awhile and think about her ds especially as he is only 7mths old.

Athene - nice one.